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Sad Sparker

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I am so down today :-( I'm back at work and so far behind. My sick mother is very much on my mind. Every time a coworker bounces up to me and says "oh, you're back! How was your trip? How's your mom? Did you have fun?" I just want to cry. So far I haven't broken down, though...I just stare blankly at them and say "my mom is dying," and they get embarrassed and back off. There is NO WAY I should be in the office now, I *need* to take a few days and just stay in bed and feel sorry for myself for my impending loss, but I have deadlines to meet and way too many people irritated with me already because I'm not getting stuff done fast enough/well enough. :::sigh:::

Meanwhile, my mom wants me to come back again and stay another week. I'm so torn up inside. I want to go, but I have so many obligations here. I so badly want to spend more time with her, and the pressure is intense because there's obviously so little time *left* now...but I still have so many responsibilities here that no one else can (or will) do for me. Usually I call her almost every day, but I've been back since Thursday and haven't called her at all because I don't know what I'm going to answer when she asks "when can you come back?"

So I'm a very unhappy Sparker right now...in fact,instead of a spark, I feel more like a burnt out ash right now. :-( I really could use a hug. And a steak. And some ice cream (pareve of course, since I want steak!). And a week off with no one (adult or kid) asking me to "do ____ for them/give them_____/buy_____" for them.

~ Chana, the sad spark
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry you are going through this right now... I have never been in your situation, so there is not much I can say... HUGGS!
    4640 days ago
    Oh sweetie.

    I agree with confusedb -- you need to care for yourself as much as you feel you can. It is easy to get caught up in the whole business of someone else's health -- someone very close to you.

    But if you surrender yourself completely to it, that won't be good for you. I know you know this. Just try to regroup and carve out something for yourself. Yes, there's not a lot of time left with your mother. But you can space a week or so in between visits and no one should be trying to make you feel guilty for doing that. You are entitled to be home no matter what is going on with your mother. Surely, during visits, there are moments of non-total togetherness. Consider your time at home to be those moments all strung together and don't worry about that.

    Hang in there.
    4642 days ago
    Awww i'm sorry, wish we could hug you thru the screen. My mom is going thru the same thing with my grandma right now. Sometimes you just gotta get your space cuz they can pull you down with them so much, it's gets so depressing and draining. Just try to recoupe and take care of yourself.
    4643 days ago
    Thanks for the good wishes, everyone (people commented here, emailed me, and posted on my SparkJews team). I know, I just have to be patient and ride it out, and pray a lot. I know that, but it's just so hard.

    Anyway, last night I finally just got so exhausted that I threw my work back onto the pile, turned off my computer, went home, cooked supper, helped my daughter with her homework and went to SLEEP. So today I'm feeling a little better, at least I have the strength to keep plugging along.

    I'm very lucky because I do have understanding bosses, to a point at least. I don't really think I'm in imminent danger of losing my job, they know what's going on and they're trying to give me some wiggle room...but on the other hand, I *have* to get this work done, because there's no one else here who can do some of the things I do. Certainly, I've got my two team members doing what they can, but certain things are just my job and that's all there is to it. So, I'm on autopilot right now, just trying to get through what I can, and trying to hide what I haven't finished yet :-)

    And, JUST what I needed right now, one of my team members had to go home early today because her babysitter wasn't feeling like babysitting. Aaargh!
    4643 days ago
    Oh Chana, I'm so sorry hun. I too am sending cyber hugs your way. {{hug}}

    I don't know if this would interest you or not but there is an act called "Family Medical Leave Act". Under this act, employers are required to give you the time off you need to take care of an immediate family member. The only hitch is it's without pay but under this act you can't lose your job either.

    Sounds like your employer doesn't have back ups for folks who need to be off or are off for vacation. That's a shame really.

    I so feel for you hun, I really do. It makes me mad your office isn't more understanding. But just as Jcrowg said below, don't beat yourself up. You ARE doing the best you can under these circumstances.
    4644 days ago
    Hey there, I'm sending you a hug ASAP. So sorry to hear about your mother. I had the same problem three years ago when my mother was diagnosed with a malignant tumor behind her eye and was sent to a hospital over 200 miles away. I too had a job where I had no backup and when I came back it was always waiting on me plus more, and there were times I just couldn't leave at all unless it was an all out emergency. You've got to quit being so hard on yourself. You can't be in two places at one time and you can't split yourself into 2 people. You just have to do the best you can and keep going and know when it's over you did your best. That's all the anyone can do. My heart goes out to you, I know the overwhelming physical and mental exhaustion you are feeling, topped off with the guilt trips you don't deserve. Hope you get to feeling better, I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers. Jeannette
    4644 days ago
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