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Who Am I in Life?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


There is so much abound. So much death, turmoil, anguish. Destructive earthquake in China, cyclone in Myanmar with another potentially headed that way, tornado's, loss of life, loss of home, loss of job, loss of hope. God is still with us, I know. When looking again there is so much love, hope and giving from those I know, even in a stranger's actions, the spirit is there.

Who am I in the midst of these tragic events? I am only one, one who is going through a private and personal hell. A hell based on emotions so great I cannot even voice them as I watch my sister in total pain filled agony as she slowly slips away.

The deadliest killer, the most painful the most intimate. Cancer.

I am not speaking from experience I am an outsider, a spectator if you will. The anxiety is huge, the stress causing loss of memory, functionality in society while all the time on death watch and helpless.

I told my other sister I truthfully did not want to go see my dying sister again. The thrashing the movement the lack of peace. Dying is not Hollywood. I told her I would go, I must, but I did not want to. Jane non stop has been trying to "go home" without sleep I guess now for 4 days and nights. It dawned on me last evening after speaking with my other sister that perhaps Jane does not want to go to her physical home but her spiritual home.

No one knows anything as far as when...it is a death watch and my older sister Carol being the monarch of the family since Mom's passing is always there. I am the clinical analyst, it keeps emotions at bay. I must have knowledge to understand. When emotions do surface I absolutely fall apart. My voice right now is throaty, broken from the stress, I am physically ill. Why can't I have the spirit of nurturing? Why?

Having always been a private person and dealt with life on my own terms I have never been an open person. During my sister's illness I have been reached out to, I have been embraced yet I cannot bring myself to burden others with my personal hardships. I fluctuated at first with the prevailing thoughts...of why, then guilt for being healthy, for having life, then anger that she looks so good why can she not go home?

The longer I put off going the more ill I become. I saw her this past Saturday, stayed for over 5 hours and it threw me all day Sunday...I could not function I was so exhausted. Work has interfered for the past 2 days (sales appointments) and then again today, I cannot leave. I am beginning to feel desperate to get there, I will go tomorrow after my final appointment to just be there. Perhaps during that time Jane will be lucid then again perhaps not, I so pray my presence will be felt. This is so hard...it has been just 2 1/2 years since we buried our Mother who's death was over a 6 month period...it was a fading of life and so difficult, so painful to watch. Jane's passage is a delusional, fighting, thrashing constant movement. It is brutal, harsh, again it is not Hollywood. It is death in it's ugliest, emotional and saddest face. I know I must say my good bye and tell her it is ok to leave...

God please continue to give me the strength...for I am weak.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FERMARI
    Ellen,
    The only way I found out of the pain of something is to walk through it. Keep in mind that this too shall pass and feel what you need to feel. God has not deserted you my friend, he is closer now then ever, waiting for you to lean on him. Feel all that grieving brings so that you can again feel the joy of the wind on your face, the smells of the world around you. I hope it gives you some measure of peace, knowing that the suffering did not drag out indefinitely, that God chose to take her quickly. The grief comes in what we have lost, not where she has gone. What a blessing it was to have know her. The good, the bad and the ugly. She was your sister, and you have so many memories of things shared.
    I am praying for your grief to be short, and your love long.

    Love,
    Mary
    4545 days ago
  • HAPEWIFE
    emoticon My Dearest Ellen:
    I am so glad that you are doing this Blog...as I think I feel even closer to you than before, if that's possible.
    I am glad for you and your sister, that you had the afternoon with Sweet Jane...I know you were able to say what you needed to. Even Good Bye!

    My heart is heavy for you and your family...however I am relieved for Jane. Jane is now with your Mother and in her heavenly home...I am sure it was your mom's angel that came for Jane...I know Jane is up there with the angel's...singing her heart out and playing wing tag...LOL
    Be blessed my friend...I also will thank God for taking Jane so quickly....I to will celebrate her life with you in spirit on Thursday...I hold you closely in a special place in my heart through this most difficult time.
    4545 days ago
  • HAPEWIFE
    Oh My Lovely Lady!

    You are so loving and caring. It seems there should be something the Docs would be able to give sweet Jane to calm her and help her rest?

    I can share something with you though, I hope it helps...
    When I was in a coma, many years ago. I could hear my family and doctors in the room...and you are right it is not Hollywood! I never believed it when people told me that a person in that condition knew what was going on around them, they do!

    The way I found out this was true: When I woke up or became lucid again...I asked hubby what he meant by something that was said when I was suppose to be non responsive...He was shocked!
    I heard when my family told me of their love for me and how they were there for me...and I remember when my Mom came into the room after she drove all night from Alabama, because she got the news that I was in a coma.
    I even remember that she was not to happy with me and she was yelling at me...I thought I was talking back to her...but needless to say with a breathing tube I could not have been talking to her...I woke up and could talk with her rationally in a couple of days...

    I think what I am trying to share is the fact you need to say to your sweet Jane whatever it is that will give YOU the peace you need.
    You need to say everything. Wither it is angry, loving, and yes even tell her it is alright that she leave this world.

    I know that when my Mom was leaving this world...she keep telling us not to leave...(Mom was in a Nursing Home) We had called in Hospice...on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, My daughter, Husband, and myself stopped by. (No I did not want to be there. ever time I had to go and be there I hated it.) During our visit Mom kept saying she wanted some Mountain Dew...so Daughter and Hubby left for the store...That meant we were alone...Mom kept looking off to the side and saying "Don't Leave!" I thought she was talking to me. I told her that I was there to visit and she was alright and she kept saying don't leave! I told her everything I wanted to say and everything I thought would comfort her...Finally I did tell her it was alright if she needed to go to her heavenly home...I would miss her but if that is what she needed to do, it was alright...(It was difficult!) Hubby and Daughter returned after 30 minutes and Mom drank the entire 20oz...after she finished I ask her if it was alright if I left? Mom told me she loved me and I could go....she was content...and a few hours later she passed...but she went in her sleep. I believe that when we arrived on that afternoon, that God had sent and angle for Mom and we came at the same time. (I believe it was my Dad).
    Whatever happened that June 30 2002, I know the angle stayed until we left.
    I felt a peace when I left knowing that I had told my mom everything I needed to even good bye...Most people never get that chance...I do understand the anger you are feeling. I know part is you have no control to make it better. Part is you don't understand what is happening with your sweet sister...Part is even you are Mad at God...and that is alright...how can a Loving and merciful God let someone we love go through all this suffering....that brings on the why? Again no answer...I am sure there is an Answer we just aren't listening to hear what it is...

    Oh my Dear Ellen...I pray you can find the peace I found after telling my Mom everything...Please tell Jane the truth of everything you need to say...Even the sister stuff: when she would make you mad, when you were growing up (Like Now) how dare her leave you and your sister. Why is she putting you through all this...and some of the things you can remember that happened when you were all growing up, remind her of the good times....even if you think she cannot relate to you...she can hear you...it may calm her down...and finally make sure you get in the fact it is alright for her to leave this world...how much you will miss her, but that you want to relieve her suffering...maybe this will give her peace...even if this is to go on for some time...at least you have said and have done what you need to do for you.

    Please know you I hold you in my Heart at this most difficult time!
    Love and Prayers
    emoticon
    4550 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1935667
    You are not weak Ellen. You are an amazing woman. You feel this so deeply because you are a person of depth, of character. You are vulnerable and feel that you are being tested but I know that your faith and strength are there for you. So are your friends. Prayers continue to be sent for you. Hang onto all that is good in you. Take time to release the emotion. Take time to rebuild. One step at a time Ellen. I believe in you. I feel for you.
    emoticon Dianne emoticon
    4551 days ago
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