WHY Haven't I Succeeded?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In one of my Spark Teams, the question was asked "What Prevents You [From] Reaching Your Goals?" I have been thinking about this for a long time now...what IS preventing me from reaching my goals? Not just weight loss, but everything I want -- school, my cluttered house, stress at work, etc.? I've finally decided, as I just posted on a different board...I think I understand now. What I've got isn't so much a lack of motiviation as a lack of FOCUS. I'm not locked in on concrete goals...yeah, I set a goal of "X pounds lost by X date," but in my heart I haven't bought into it. I've got a goal of decluttering 15 minutes per day, but I don't stick to it. But when I'm REALLY focused on a goal, NOTHING stops me. So what I've got to do is figure out what part of me is trying to sabotage the rest of me, and why. I want to lose weight, clean up my house, and become a nurse. All of these goals are going to be challenging for me, but have I not proven to myself and to the world time and time again that I'm tougher than anyone can imagine? Have I not survived so many things that would have crushed a weaker person? I have literally been on the threshold of death more than once, I have stared down a gun barrel and I have stared down a doctor and told him that I would prove him wrong (which I did, of course!). I am so much stronger than the inertia keeping me tied to my office chair/bed. I am so much stronger than my stressful job, my overextended checking account, or my chronic back pain. I am so much stronger than ANYTHING life can deal me. So why can't I just focus on my goals and GO? Obviously, some part of me wants to hold me back...why? It's not my family, they are relatively supportive of me. It's not my coworkers, although that is DEFINITELY not an environment that supports any kind of healthy eating habits! It's me. WHY? That's what I'm going to work on this year. Figuring out why I would want to hold myself back.
As I keep saying, my struggle isn't just about weight loss, I'm also talking about career, home, everything. My husband half-jokingly asks if I'm going through a mid-life crisis, but he's not too far off -- I'm wondering how someone can be on this earth for FORTY YEARS and still not be focused on what she wants? How can I still be passively letting life happen to me? And, with our finances as tight as they are (and trust me, it's a gruesome sight!), how can I take charge of my life? Joining a gym is out of the question...I'm looking for a new job, but realistically I know that I will actually be taking a pay CUT to do what I want and value...and I've enrolled in school (again), but am not sure how I'm going to handle even more student loans, etc. I'm caught in a web of doubt and fear. I keep reading about how positive thinking is the most important step -- in Yiddish, we say "tracht gut und es zol zein gut," "think good and it will be good!" but that seems too simplistic. I can't just *think* myself into a job interview, or through college. Then again, being practical and taking the safe road doesn't seem to be working out too well for me, either. Sooner or later I'm going to have to take a risk.
Well, that's who I am. I am proud and strong and confused and worried and smart and capable and...unfocused...that's what I am right now. But what am I going to make of myself this year?