Out, Out, Dang Thought!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The past few days I have been plagued with the negative thoughts "yeah, you're making progress NOW, but it won't last...nothing you do ever lasts, you're never able to stick with anything for long..." etc., etc.... You all know the words, I don't need to give them strength by repeating them all here!
I know the power of positive thoughts/speech, and I know I must control these thoughts...but knowing and doing are often two completely different things. I've been meditating and praying for help in fighting these thoughts. Zen tradition teaches us (yes, I'm an orthodox Jew quoting Zen teachings) that "fighting against" things only gives them more power, so that's truly not what I want to do. What I want to do is give power to the positive thought "I can do this, I am capable of consistency," etc.
But...how can I do this when I truly have been inconsistent in the past? Not just weight...welcome to my world of ADD, where the concept of "consistency" is like learning how to speak a foreign language. I know a little here and a little there, but I'm truly not fluent in the "language" of consistency yet.
However...it is 2009. It is the year that things are going to be changing for me and my family, in many ways. I CAN do this. It isn't just about food and weight, it's about living a healthy and balanced life. It's totally insane to think that I CAN'T do this...of course I can! I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm stubborn -- if I want to make this happen, I certainly can. So why am I so afraid? Why is my brain trying to sabotage me already, when it's only the 11th day of the (secular) new year? What does my brain stand to benefit from my body being out of shape? All that accomplishes is making my brain feel depressed -- one would think that my brain would WANT my body to be healthy, so that it won't be depressed!!! You know what? For being the seat of all our knowledge and wisdom, brains sure aren't that smart, are they? LOL.
So, I don't have much of an answer, but I think part of it is that in 2009, I am going to have to think with my heart, not with my brain. That may sound odd to some people, but that's what I'm going to need to do at this point in my life. My heart believes in me, which my brain clearly doesn't. My heart is optimistic, my brain is pessimistic. My heart believes in what CAN be and what SHOULD be, my brain only knows what HAS been in the past. I think in 2009 my challenge is to believe and have more faith in myself, in G-d, in the people around me, etc.
I will continue meditating for inner guidance and praying for Divine guidance. Hopefully I will find a way to develop "mental earplugs," so I don't fall prey to my brain's negativity!!! And hopefully after it starts realizing that I HAVE been sticking to this, and that I AM being successfull, hopefully my brain will jump on the bandwagon and stop its' negative chatter. I can't fight against its' negativity, all I can do is prove it wrong and hope to persuade it to accept some positive truths. I've had 7 weeks of success so far since I resigned as manager at work, so how many weeks will it take before my brain is convinced that this is real?
OK, enough thinking, time to go DO. I'm determined to get through my 10 minutes of strength building exercises today. Even my brain has to admit that I can survive 10 minutes. And I don't have to do it every day, I only have to succeed today. I won't worry about tomorrow for another 11 hours and 6 minutes :-)