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SOCIAL FAUX PAS???

Thursday, June 04, 2009

So, as most of my friends who commonly read my blog already know, I am participating in a 5K on June 28th. On Monday I did the 2.75 miles for the first time and missed my "goal time" by 7 seconds and stood on the treadmill and wiped away tears while my friend (on the next treadmill) consoled me. Why do those times and goals mean so much to me? My friend tried to tell me that those are just numbers that I picked out of thin air and that I shouldn't be so upset if I don't hit my goal... but the reason I set those goal times was because I KNOW that I can complete it that fast... but then I slow down too many times and I don't get it and I get angry and upset with myself. If I don't set goals then I won't push myself to try hard. Point blank. I mean, I am an inherently lazy person, so by setting goals I am challenging myself... which I thought was a good thing but now everyone and their mother is telling me to not push myself so hard. What? Just a few months ago everyone, myself included, was telling me that I should challenge myself - and now I am and no one but me is supportive of it. What the heck, people?

Well, Monday was bad because I did the 2.75 in 41:22 (instead of my goal of 41:15). But today i pushed it just a little harder and set some boundaries for myself of how much I could slow down when my leg was hurting (yep, I mentioned it about a month ago and I still think i have a stress fracture in my left tibia). So, I pushed through the pain and completed the 2.75 miles in 41:02 - both making the goal time and beating my last time by 20 seconds. I was very happy about that. Leg still hurts... but it was worth it. Now, I know that I will have people telling me that I should rest or have a doctor look at it, but NO CAN DO cuz I have a 5K to complete. Then I can rest.

So a couple of weeks ago I was telling my friend about it. This woman calls herself my best friend both to my face and in front of groups of people. Now, my husband is my best friend. But for quite a while I would have considered her my best girlfriend... but I am having a harder and harder time being able to say that lately (actually, for the last couple years). We frequently butt heads and I find that I am always the one who has to back down or shut up or just keep my opinions to myself to avoid conflict. Most of the time we can get along alright, though. So, when I was telling her about my 5K and what it's for, she understood why this benefit run for Epilepsy was so important to me. She's been supportive in my struggle with my seizures over the last few years. I asked her if she was interested in walking in it just to be supportive of the cause. Now, for "personal" medical reasons I won't explain, she has been told by her doctor NOT to run, jog, jump or anything that is jarring in any way. And any time I have wanted her to do something that might include one of those actions she has been quick to pull out the "my doctor said I can't" card. But when I said she should WALK for the 5K - I think her competitive streak kicked in and she's insisting on running - but she doesn't run. She doesn't even really like to walk. So anyway, I asked her and she says that she will probably run instead and that her hubby may do it too (and he's in decent shape so I think he'll do fine). I told her that I'd send her the link for registration and I told her that our team name is NO REGRETS and that if she signs up by a certain date she will get a shirt with the team name printed on it. She says, "Oh, well we'll probably just make our own team and team name." I told her, "Oh, well, I was inviting a few more people and I was thinking that since this is a benefit for epilepsy you could all join my team and we could do it together in a big group and all support each other and all work toward one fundraising goal together too." To which she says, "We'll see, " which always means "I think your idea is lame and I'll pretend I am thinking about it and then I'll say no anyway."

I sent her an email with the link and also wrote, "Thanks for being willing to join us and support me as I do my first 5K and raise money to benefit this cause that is so close to my own heart. Just be sure to type NO REGRETS when it asks the team name."

I texted her yesterday and asked if she registered. She said yes and I asked under what name. MONKEYSPIT. Yep. You read that right. So, not only did she hurt me by completely ignoring my request, but she has now turned this into a competition - and her team has a ridiculous name.

I am hurt.
I am insulted.
I am a little angry.
I would NEVER do that to her or any other friend.
Is this girl even my friend at all?
What kind of friend does this?

My husband is angry at her (mostly because she has hurt me so badly) and another friend is in shock that she would even have the nerve to do this after my 2 requests that all of us go together as one cohesive team.

So I ask you... is this a complete social faux pas? I would never even think of make up my own team if a friend asked me to join them on a benefit run (especially if I knew the cause was very special to them). Am I making too big of deal about this? Or is this a true insult?

My hubby and another friend think I should confront her about it. My brother thinks I should put it behind me and move on (though he is a "sweep it under the rug" kind of person and I am not). I just have a feeling that if I do tell her how I feel she will try to argue her point, still not understand where I am coming from, call the organization and have them added to my team and then she'll be all bitter about it. I don't want her to change what she's done. I just want her to know how much she's hurt me. I am NOT a sweep it under the rug kind of girl - except with her. I just don't want to get into it with her... but is there a chance she really doesn't get it?

Okay... I've vented now. But I really would like to hear opinions on this. Was what my friend did wrong? And what would you do about it if you were me?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JENIFIREHARP
    I don't blame you for being upset... I am kind of wondering why your friend didn't just say, no thanks like she usually does. Do you think she will actually even raise any money and participate? Or is she just playing games? If she is being rude on purpose, I suppose she really isn't your friend at all. If she is just being competitive, maybe that is just her nature and this has nothing to do with you at all and is really her problem not yours. In the big picture, whether she has a team or not really doesn't affect you at all. I guess you could realize that she hurt you, accept it, move on with your life, and say something to her (or not) as you wish. Will it make a difference if you say something? If that is how she always is, probably not. Anyhow, being on the outside of the situation, it is easy for me to say, Forget about her, and concentrate on the team you do have!!! This is about a cause you care about, rather than anything else.

    emoticon
    4247 days ago
  • WAYLAID
    Hey you! Let's see, where to begin. Goals = Good. Crazy-competitive-stressing-a-stres
    s-fracture-goals = Not so good. You are seriously doing wonderful with your weight loss and you're really getting healthy and fit. These are true statements, not a matter of opinion. Pushing yourself to achieve more is really great, but here's the thing: you've already changed. You're no longer that girl who had to push herself just to get to the gym, you're there with bells on now, rain or shine. I know in your head you kind of have an end game with your 5k in mind...but what happens after that is over? If you've pushed yourself beyond what your body can handle just for the sake of your performance at this race, you may not physically be able to keep up with the ultimate race which is achieving weight loss and long term health. I'm just worried that physically and mentally once this race is over that you'll be spent. I think you're doing great and will be able to work out a happy medium...you'll see!

    As for your 'friend' situation? I have a real hard time confronting people that need it so it's hard for me to comment. If it were me, I definitely would want her to just stay on her team since a poor attitude on your team would just sour what is going to be a very special day for you. It's probably best to forget that you ever invited her along at all and concentrate on making your team the best it can be and having a great time supporting your cause. After the race you might either consider confronting her about it or just pulling away and severing ties. When she comes around wondering why you haven't been pursuing the friendship like before, just tell her bluntly that her actions regarding the race showed you a lot about what kind of friend she is. YOU needed her support for this, not for her to seek her own glory and validation on her own team. Whatever you decide to do, your feelings aren't irrational...it was a crap thing to do on her part, and apparently based on your description, just another thing in a long line of escalating behavior.

    Wah! I just reread my post and it looks so preachy...which I'm not! Ugh. Well, I know you can figure this thing out, and whatever you do, just remember to be good to yourself. You deserve it.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4247 days ago
  • ZIRCADIA
    The way I see it you have two options: Confront her to try to improve your friendship and move past this, or don't mention it and slowly begin distancing yourself from her. Clearly she is not a true friend -- she's not behaving like a true friend and you don't need that garbage. HER OWN HUSBAND is mad at her for it???? What's her PROBLEM?!?! Anyway.

    You are making me CRAZY with your shin and your determination to push forward AT ALL COSTS. Goals are good to the point that they help us achieve our long term vision for ourselves, but when they are making you cry and push to the point of injury it is NOT GOOD. It is NOT WORTH IT to injure yourself for a 5K. Besides -- you don't have to injure yourself to do it. It sounds like you're doing well enough when you don't push too hard to be able to complete the race just fine without doing any damage, but not listening to your body because you want to see some NUMBERS is just not a good idea. *HUGS* I hope you will not think I'm not on your side -- I AM!! Because I want you to be well and healthy and capable of continuing to work on running after this race and not be sidelined. Ya know???
    4248 days ago
  • PRESENTTIME
    Hi,
    I commend you for running for Epilepsy. I also understand you need to complete your goals for the run. On the other hand take it easy. I grew up having seizures in a time not long ago it was not discussed let along have a run for epilepsy. I admire you for running for a cause that needs some light shed on the issue. We both know firsthand what a blessing it is to have your health. Your body is trying to tell you something with the stress fracture in your legs. You don’t’ want to make it worse and end up in physical therapy due to damage. I had a friend in high school that had stress fracture that were ignored and could barely walk. Not listening to your body and its needs could cause more issues than it’s worth. Keep in mind you have reach your goal. Talk to your doctor see if you slow down now you still may be right as rain for race day.

    I am in a similar situation with a friend of twenty years. For your own emotional health, sanity and standing up for yourself you need to say something. If it is easier for you to send a letter or an email do it. It does not matter what her response is to your letter. It is about you being able to take care of your needs let go of the situation and move on. Use I statements when explaining how you felt with the situation. Such I felt --------when my request and invites to be on my team were ignored.
    There are two sides to every story. Maybe she felt she wouldn't’t be able to keep up with you because of her restrictions. But not saying anything about it to you was wrong.

    You may be growing in different directions. Only you can make that decision. This poem may bring light to your situation.

    Are You a Reason, A Season or a Lifetime

    Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you! People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is you will know what to do for each person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON…. I t is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

    Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn, They bring you experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must, build the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

    Thank you for being my friend.

    4248 days ago
  • CASEYGIRL1982
    Looks like everyone has given you some great advice. Deep breathe.... emoticon emoticon

    take care, Casey
    4248 days ago
  • SKYEFYR
    Honey, if this is the kind of person you call a friend, you don't need enemies! What a horrible thing to do! Here's a cause that means something to you and she turns it around so it's all about her hidden agenda. (Which I think is part competition and part wanting the glory of her own team.) You're better off without her on your team. It really sounds like she brings you down. A LOT!

    I had a friend like this not that long ago. Seems all I had to do was not kiss her butt often enough and ignore her bad advice and she got fed up with me and walked. Oh, was that a happy day. Your friend sounds very controlling and borderline abusive.

    I wouldn't mention it before the run simply because I wouldn't want to have her change teams, which you said was a concern, and then taking it out on you with a nasty attitude. I'd wait till afterwards and sit her down and let her know how much she hurt you and you aren't going to continue to tollerate a friend treating you like that. I know you don't like confronting her, but it sounds like she's realized that and taking advantage of it (and you). You're going to have to clear the air soon, or you're going to end up miserable, and I really don't want to see you miserable.

    Another comment I need to make. I don't think you're lazy. I think that, like me, you're so much of a perfectionist who hasn't met their outragous self imposed goals enough times that it's just easier to skip trying because not being "perfect" hurts so much. Be honest, is you're attitude "I don't want to" or "Why should I try when I'm only going to fail". If it's the second one, it's your perfectionism kicking in. Maybe we can come up with a support system between us where we encourage each other to get rid of that?

    And by the way, if I lived closer, I'd join your team!
    4248 days ago
  • LUCKYDUCK2
    I would just say...Awesome! You joined to support this cause and I LIKE the name. It's so .....YOU. What can she say? She picked it and it is ridiculous.

    Now, about the first part of your blog. Goals are suppose to be obtainable and to help build motivation. Sometimes goals can be set too high and cause emotional pain or physical pain. That is NOT the objective of good goals. Your friend was supportive...she was on the next treadmill running with you and tried to console you. And she brought up a very good point...how did you arrive by that time? As you get stronger and lose more weight you can set higher demands on yourself and shorten the time to do something, but causing injury or physical pain is not good. What if you injured yourself and then cannot run in the 5K.

    Sweetie, you need to learn to "work towards a goal" and give yourself high fives for getting close and then working on it again. If a goal is doable the first time...it is not a goal that challenged you. Your perfectionism kicked in saying you have to do it right and do it NOW.

    I may be off on this as I read your blog...but I don't want you to feel bad or injure yourself when you are working so hard and want to be in this race and are so successful right now with your weight loss. Give yourself that highfive for what you are accomplishing .

    A good goal is "doable"
    Some days our "doable" is easier then other days
    Our "doable" gets stronger and more consistent over time so we build on the original
    We should not push our "doable" to the point of physical injury
    "doable" should not cause emotional pain for effort
    a good "doable" builds motivation.

    Listen to your good friends who say take care of that leg. If you injure it and cannot run the race...you KNOW what Miss Monkeyspit will say, don't you?


    4248 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4128548
    Hang in there Sarah! My husband always asks me what response I would like when I confront a person, then to consider if that is the response I will get. Usually not. We did a 5k for lung cancer a few weeks ago and joined our friends team (he is a 2 year lung cancer survivor). We had a BLAST being on his team. We also got T-Shirts. He had 200 on his team and it felt good to know all our friends were together to support him. Let her know how much fun she will be missing by doing her own team - but do it in a nice way. Like, gee, you did your own team? As the saying goes, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. And also you don't want to confront her and then regret anything you say for the rest of your life or have the conversation playing in your head the rest of your life. She is not worth it. I would start to distance yourself from her. I have had to do this from a "best" friend and it made me feel so much better. That is just my .02. Oh yes, first thing, pray:) emoticon
    4248 days ago
  • SUZY1212
    I'm not a "sweep it under the rug" type of person at all, but in this case I'd just try to forget about it and limit my contact with this person. She has to know exactly what she did, so what would be the point of talking about it?

    About goals... I always consider goals to be something I'm working towards or trying to hit most of the time. Don't let it bother you when you miss! Just take it as a learning experience showing you what changes you need to make to reach it.

    emoticon
    4248 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/4/2009 10:32:21 AM
  • SHIRLEYDILLARD
    I'm no help - because I don't like to confront people. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting her know that what she did has hurt you.
    4248 days ago
  • SIMPLE_TAILOR
    There are two parts to this. Yours and hers.

    You need to talk to her about this to air your side. Regardless of whether she understands or blows you off, you have to get this off of you.

    She also might have a reason for what she has done. Make sure you listen to her.

    I see this frequently with my wife and her sister. When my wife needs some help, she gets none, but my wife is who she turns to when she needs some help.

    If you need someone to talk to, just drop me a note.

    ttyl
    4248 days ago
  • SHANSHE
    First, congrats on making your time on your running, so happy for you!

    Two, if I hear you call yourself "inherently lazy" again, I am coming to Wisconsin to kick your bootie, k? That is speaking negatively about yourself and it must stop!

    Thirdly, the friend "gets" it and it was totally wrong. Myself, if someone asked me to do this and join their team say just as an acquaintance friend or just someone I hung with from time to time and then say a friend I was REALLY close to asked me later, I would feel inclined to go with the first person who asked me, or see if the closer friend could join the first team! I would NEVER go start my own team or whatever and turn it into a competition with someone who was my "friend". So, seriously, she is wrong.

    HOWEVER, if I thought confronting her would cause her to cancel and join your team and act like it is all a hassle and stuff, then I would wait until it was over or too late to reverse the decision and then simply tell her how you feel. Ask her why she feels the need to compete with you, when you are supposed to be living this life together? I also think that if this is characteristic of the type of relationship you have with her, that you need to evaluate if this is a relationship you want to continue, or if it would be better to slowly back off and detach from the relationship?

    Finally, pray and seek God for direction and peace about any decision you might make concerning this relationship. I am of the personality, I would most likely sweep it under the rug, but I am learning this is not necessarily the most healthful way to deal with relationships or situations, ya know?

    Hope things work out, sweets!
    Shan
    4248 days ago
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