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today is my reality check

Friday, January 15, 2010

don't know why, but today I woke up with shooting spine pains..it's one of those moments when you swear your spine is broke. I don't know why. I didn't do anything yesterday. I don't get it. Today I wanted to go hiking and I can't go. I was suppose to go to INDY but it got canceled and today having a day off, I am paralyzed in pain. WTH. I keep saying take some meds and just GO...but the snow has been compacted and we have had warm (30-40's) temp this week which has melted the snow, but night falls and by morning it freezes, therefor my deepest gut tells me to stay off the trail as that is the last thing I need to fall on the ice hiking.

It makes me angry. I'm done being sad, I'm done letting it get me down. It really just pisses me off. I must get this 50 lbs OFF. maybe today I will go get in the pool and swim, that would feel nice to be weightless.

I'm so angry, so very very very much angry.

Maybe I will make jewelry or work on a quilt, AFTER I take a pain killer.

I am 36, this is NOT acceptable by any means in my life. I deserve MORE...I deserve better and I will beat this somehow , someway and if after I drop the 50 lbs and I don't get that relief that the Neuro said I would, I can tell you I will proudly walk my skinny @ss back to his office and say..Now will you re-look at that tumor, can I have another MRI..what? I want answers. I will NOT lie down and accept this is my life. I won't do it. You hear me God?
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