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ERNIEMERKEL

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October 7th

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I've been having a really tough time lately. I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone anymore. My meds definatly are not working. I'm turning to food a lot more for comfort and it really gets to me because I know that it's only going to make me feel worse in the morning. Kacy got up on all fours this morning. She was so proud of herself. It's really scaring me that the little things about the girls don't see to be important to me anymore. That makes me such a bad mother and a horrible person. Kacy is already 6 months old and I know barely anything about her. I know that I have to work to be able to provide for my family. Tim and I are just barely making the ends meet. Alayna is having a hard time right now too. She needs me to be there for her and she's so clingy for the past few months. I know that she is jealous of Kacy. The girls mean absolutely everything to me, and it really is killing me that I am not strong enough to get a hold of my emotions long enough to give them what they need. I really wish that I had someone that I could really just lay everything out with and not feel so vulnerable. I've thought of going into councelling, but there's no time for that either. I hope my angels don't have the problems that I do. My parents are taking to girls for me tonight so I can have a break. The time that Tim and I do get together is always based around sitting around and eating. Whether it's watching sports or Tv. That's no way to relax. I'm so sick of food. How stupid of me to think for a second that it could fill in this empty gap. Am I ever going to be alright again???
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