My quest must begin before it ends
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I just got a very nice email from a Spark friend today, encouraging me as I lay in this hospital room... Well, I went to write back to her and to tell her of my pursuit today in writing a Motivational Incentive Contract for myself, (which was inspired by an article I read here at Spark)....first my power cord got pulled, just as I was impressing myself with the rays of understanding and illumination I was pouring out to LadyIris, nd I was in an awful sweat that I'd lost my letter. But no, (thank you Windows), my document was preserved....So I went on, wrapping up my expositive on my inner minds workings, and pushed a key, (accidentally...still don't know what key it was)...and suddenly, terminally, and unregainably, the whole letter disappeared! So while Lady Iris sits and awaits the reply to her lovely letter, I am scampering to the blog site, to try to "recover" my email to her, because there were some important facts in it.
Firstly, today, I encountered, floating in my Document file, a wan, pathetic journal entry dated this past January, on the day that I'd weighed in at my heaviest body weight EVER...and I was disgusted, defeated, full of self hatred, and most of all, feeling helpless to ever take control of my body back again. I have HEALTH ISSUES which prevent me from exercising! I have to take steroids and medications which cause my metabolism to slow and for me to retain much fluid and which increase my appetite! I am perimenopausal for God's sake! Who can expect a mess like that to do anything to be able to physically better themselves! And on and on went the whining.
Then, very shortly after, I encountered the Spark People pages. This was very literally, a God-send...a God-response to my SOS need. And I began the dialogue with Hugmonkeymom and LadyIris which has meant so much to me so far. Back then, I was dealing with a rapidly changing (and not for the better) physical status. I have severe, severe asthma which only days ago almost succeeded in ending my life once again. I have severe chronic pain from mulitple disorders...a spine that is literally crumbling apart, and hands which are twisted and very painful,...and on and on it goes. I am also immuno-compromised due to the toxic medications I've had to take for these conditions as well...so have been battling one infection after another....for months. Back then, I was in a process of realizing that life as I knew it, was being torn from my hands and I am and was facing the real possibility of needing some kind of assisted care living situation... I was mourning the loss of my freedom and independence and youth, and yet was still not able to resolve any of those feelings.
The reason for this unsettledness was, as I identified it back then, a need for a doctor to sit me down and be honest with me...to tell it like it is and to say to me, "Look this is irreversible...this is your life from now on, deal with it." And without that "permission to despair" I could not mourn or grieve anything and yet was constantly thwarted in my desire to live as I once had.
Now I see something very different. I can see that no doctor is going to sit me down and write me a death sentence (or they shouldn't anyway) and even if they did, I KNOW that some healthy part of my heart would question it. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE NOT DONE EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER TO MAKE IT not HAPPEN.!!
I have not pushed the limits of my strength. I am wearing a body which is in every way geared to resist health and to succomb to illness. I have not exerted effort physically ,mentally or emotionally into climbing out of this messy hole that I'm in. And because of that, I CANNOT QUIT> I CANNOT RELAX> I CANNOT ACCEPT> I CANNOT MOURN THE PASSAGE OF MY HEALTH.
And, as I'm learning in Spark, there are real things I can do to empower myself to take these steps. Now, I know that I cannot tomorrow get on some sweats and do a cardio routine, or begin training for a half marathon. No, for me it begins with unplugging my IV pole and trotting off down the hallway, bending over to cough up a lung every few feet or so before continuing my lap. OK, so be it. If that's where I am, then that's where I'll have to start. I do not know how far my own efforts will take me...but I do know that they can only take me in good directions as long as I am smart about what I do. And then, when I've come to a point further along in my journey and I've made some real lifestyle changes, and I'm still needing that nursing home, then I will have to say goodbye to the past ....but I will go into the future being a different person for my journey...and these are changes that I hope I will maintain, despite whatever environment I shall find myself in; despite whatever institutional food I find I must choke down. And I'm going to have FUN doing it.