Sick and Disgusted
Saturday, February 06, 2010
I have a friend. She is someone that I had not been in contact with for years, but who showed up in my hospital room during my last admission and who has been back during this one, almost everyday. That's a good friend, right? To come and sit for hours a day with a sick friend? Yes....BUT, she continually comes with shopping bags full of "stash"....treats, yummy gooey, chocolate things, Cheesy curly things, ....when I complained and told her of my efforts to stop doing stuff like that, she "complied" by bringing "healthy stash"....dark chocolate, licorice, dark chocolate covered raisins, fruit, wraps....and on and on. I've threatoned to ban her from my room, but she laughingly persists. Oh she is helpful and does her share of eating the "stash" while we sit here for those long hours, but that does little to lighten my load of guilt.
And guilty I am. Last night, in a medicated oblivion I put away a chocolate bar and a package of licorice....This morning it sits in my stomach in a nauseating lump and I want nothing more than to purge it from my system. This cannot be good. In any way shape or form. I know that the fault is only partially hers. I should have stuck to my guns; I should have pitched the whole load of crap in the garbage...but I didn't. Instead, I became the garbage receptacle and now feel like garbage as a result. I am finding that I don't even LIKE the taste of that s*** anymore and am craving only healthy things instead.....but with my stomach so full of these empty calories, there was no room for the veggies I had stashed in the patient fridge for my snack last night.
I need a fresh start. Which can be arranged. But she told me that she would be back....both today and tomorrow. I do not want to wound her; or make her feel like the glutton she is....I've really tried to be serious and to tell her to cut it out and she laughingly defers. What can I do? She is my devil. But I know that ultimately, I am responsible for the choices of what I put into my mouth. Maybe I can make myself remember this nauseated feeling and taste of failure that I am now experiencing and can hold fast. I don't know. But something's got to give.