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Im purging too!!! Thx ANEWAMANDA!!! (whoa this is hard!!)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Purge: (purged, purging)
1. a to clear of guilt. b: to free from moral or ceremonial defilement
2. a. to cause evacuation from b: to make free of something unwanted: to purge yourself of fear: to free of sediment or relieve of trapped air by bleeding. c. to rid or get rid of

ANEWAMANDA just posted this as a blog..and it really got to me!! How much baggage do we carry along with us??? Have much mental stress do I put myself under!!

I have been feeling that lately I havent been living to my potential!! I dont live life to the fullest!! i have got very lazy!
Yesterday I went and help at a bakesale for a charity ..i got there at 11am and was done by 3pm...but i was soo tired!!! Like i had just worked all day!!
I hate feeling like that and living my life like that. I talked to my DH about it and he thought since ive been at home so long...my metabolism has slowed down...the only real increases when I work out!
I know God has this amazing life for us...and he wants us to make the most out of it!! I feel like Im letting God down by not living my potential!!!

I use to go to school, get straight a's, play sports, have a job, involved in school clubs, go to church, involved in youth minsteries, play in a band...etc....
I was busy!! and i felt great!!!

I dont know what happened to me now!!! okay so here I go...PURGING BEGIN....

ANGER: I am angry at my mom for leaving us, I am angry that im lazy, im angry that I feel judged, Im angry that I feel like a failure and cant do anything right or up to the standard that other people place before me

FEAR: I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF FAILURE!!! Growing up if i didnt get straight a's in school..my mom wouldnt talk to me! I would get screamed at for bringing home only a 94%A instead of a 98%A on my report cards. I grew up thinking that my mother's love was based on how well I succeed!! I always had to be the best so she could parade us around as her trophies!! I think I still carry that around....so now its easier to never do anything than to try something and fail.
Perfect example : My NCLEX boards...i graduated over 3yrs ago...and wont take my boards. Im so scared to fail them and waste all that money..so I just dont take them!! I just keep hearing my mothers voice screaming at me for not achieving perfection!!

JEALOUSY: I am jealous of my sister who got to live a life I never could. By the time my sister was a teenager..my mother pretty much was out of our lives. So my sister didnt live under the same rules and pressures. I honestly felt at 20 I had to get married....that was my only option...I was never allowed to do anything else!
Now my sister gets to travel, hang out with friends, have fun and live her life! I am very jealous. Now im not saying that I wouldnt still not have loved being married and my life. I AM!! But I would have liked to have experienced different things before I got married like dating, college life, etc.

SADNESS: I am sad that I feel like I cant do more for myself and my family. I am sad that my mother chose alcohol over us. I am sad that my dad is lonely. I am sad that I dont feel like I have a best friend who loves me for me. I am sad that I dont even really know who I am as a person.

WHOA that was way harder than I thought.....I noticed I still have alot of issues with my mother. (I talked about her in every post...and didnt even realize)

Maybe that is what is really holding me back!!???
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  • no profile photo CD4728027
    Thank you for this. I'd say we could all use a good purging and it would make us feel tons better.
    3441 days ago
  • SOFT_VAL67
    i am carrying around alot of anger right now too, my son has decided to blame the whole entire world for his failures.
    and i have had to step back and let him.
    with the hopes that one day, he will realize he has run out of people to blame and maybe take some action to better his life.
    i have taken a step back from bettering my own life for way to long and i am finding my way back in.
    still holding on to some anger and some resentment and some lost dreams, but, getting better everyday.
    good luck to each of you in your journey. emoticon
    3441 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7658463
    Feels good to start over.
    3441 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6892401
    I've been where you are at. No one is judging you. You are judging you which may be just leftover echoes from your mom--break the cycle! Learn to unload her expectations slowly. You are your own worst critic. I used to do what you are doing too. I also over-achieved and then in my career I over-worked. I used to think "all eyes were on me" and that I had to always be perfect, but that is so far from the truth! What really matters is that you take time to do some things for yourself, that you replenish yourself so that you are able to give back when others need you. That you are able to be energetic and nice around others because you took the time to be a little selfish, so then you can be your best when others need to lean on you. Otherwise, you are just a burnt out mess! Even if it's just a mental game you are playing, you are still draining yourself with your perfectionist worries! Now I focus on how lucky I am and I don't compare myself to others. I notice the less fortunate and I am humbled. That always makes me feel grateful. I also am learning to just be content with being me. I have learned to spend time only with the best of friends or family who make me feel happy and loved. Exercise, sleeping and eating right really helps. Also, plan FUN things to look forward to! That sounds like a biggie for you!!!! Even though your sister is having fun, there are PLENTY of fun things you can also plan. Make that happen for yourself! Thanks for your blog. I think we all struggle with the pressure that is placed out there to be "your best self". I mean aren't we good enough as we are? Geez!
    3582 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/24/2011 4:29:53 PM
    I'm glad you got that all out. I know a lot of what you're feeling, and I also a lot of people say that but really have no clue. I have a lot issues with my Mother as well, then I had issues becoming a mother. Hang in there, talk (blog) things out, you are on the right path.
    3885 days ago
  • DAWN788
    wow!!! you go girl - own your life and your feelings and your future. you are such a strong woman and are truly beautiful inside and out, i mean it. what a great outlet to let it all out - you're being healthy both physically and mentally, and that's the best thing you could ever do for yourself
    3886 days ago
  • MOLS626
    WOW! Reading what you have written felt like I was reading about myself. We have so many similarities.
    3899 days ago
    Get out there girl...live life and beeeeee happy!! You deserve it!! Put your mind to things...and the possibilities are endless!! You are so far from being a failure!! I am very proud of you for posting this blog and releasing your feelings!! Way to go!!
    3901 days ago
  • TREBLE02
    Good for you for gettin that out there hun!
    for the record...i love you for you! xoxo
    3901 days ago
    Thanks guys!!! emoticon

    Burgh....i do understand bout being at home! I LOVE IT, but at the same time wish that was something more I could do.

    Im not trilled bout going back into the nursing field...that job kinda sucks to be honest. but it was something!

    I do feel though the gym is really bringing out a new person. lol Its one the best parts of the week. I enjoy my classes..the girls are all a hoot!!! I cant wait to go!!!
    3901 days ago
    Great post getting it all out there. I am so, so sorry you have had such a bad time growing up and a lack of a true mother. Have you ever thought about talking to someone to get these feelings worked out? it may help you be able to move on and help with the self esteem.

    I can tell you are a WONDERFUL and loving person just by your blogs and *knowing* you on here. I am sure those who know you even better in real life LOVE you and think the world of you. You should be proud of yourself.

    It is hard being a stay at home mom in the sense that you do tend to lose your identity....especially when they kids are young. I used to have a high profile career, but have stayed home the past 3 1/2 yrs. While I would not trade in the time I have had with my kids, and do not really have a desire to go back into the field I was in (at least what i was doing), I would like something to associate with myself. For now, it is exercising and focusing on myself. Who knows what it will be when the kids are in school full time.

    It is vital that you take time for yourself. Find a hobby, keep exercising, read. Anything to give you alone time and boost your self morale, self confidence.

    You are a great person...just never forget it! emoticon
    3901 days ago
    Good for you! Most people don't even realize anything is wrong let alone get it all out!!! The first steps have been accomplished!!! =D
    3901 days ago
    Way to go letting that all out! Doesn't it feel good!?!
    3901 days ago
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