Im purging too!!! Thx ANEWAMANDA!!! (whoa this is hard!!)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Purge: (purged, purging)
1. a to clear of guilt. b: to free from moral or ceremonial defilement
2. a. to cause evacuation from b: to make free of something unwanted: to purge yourself of fear: to free of sediment or relieve of trapped air by bleeding. c. to rid or get rid of
ANEWAMANDA just posted this as a blog..and it really got to me!! How much baggage do we carry along with us??? Have much mental stress do I put myself under!!
I have been feeling that lately I havent been living to my potential!! I dont live life to the fullest!! i have got very lazy!
Yesterday I went and help at a bakesale for a charity ..i got there at 11am and was done by 3pm...but i was soo tired!!! Like i had just worked all day!!
I hate feeling like that and living my life like that. I talked to my DH about it and he thought since ive been at home so long...my metabolism has slowed down...the only real increases when I work out!
I know God has this amazing life for us...and he wants us to make the most out of it!! I feel like Im letting God down by not living my potential!!!
I use to go to school, get straight a's, play sports, have a job, involved in school clubs, go to church, involved in youth minsteries, play in a band...etc....
I was busy!! and i felt great!!!
I dont know what happened to me now!!! okay so here I go...PURGING BEGIN....
ANGER: I am angry at my mom for leaving us, I am angry that im lazy, im angry that I feel judged, Im angry that I feel like a failure and cant do anything right or up to the standard that other people place before me
FEAR: I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF FAILURE!!! Growing up if i didnt get straight a's in school..my mom wouldnt talk to me! I would get screamed at for bringing home only a 94%A instead of a 98%A on my report cards. I grew up thinking that my mother's love was based on how well I succeed!! I always had to be the best so she could parade us around as her trophies!! I think I still carry that around....so now its easier to never do anything than to try something and fail.
Perfect example : My NCLEX boards...i graduated over 3yrs ago...and wont take my boards. Im so scared to fail them and waste all that money..so I just dont take them!! I just keep hearing my mothers voice screaming at me for not achieving perfection!!
JEALOUSY: I am jealous of my sister who got to live a life I never could. By the time my sister was a teenager..my mother pretty much was out of our lives. So my sister didnt live under the same rules and pressures. I honestly felt at 20 I had to get married....that was my only option...I was never allowed to do anything else!
Now my sister gets to travel, hang out with friends, have fun and live her life! I am very jealous. Now im not saying that I wouldnt still not have loved being married and my life. I AM!! But I would have liked to have experienced different things before I got married like dating, college life, etc.
SADNESS: I am sad that I feel like I cant do more for myself and my family. I am sad that my mother chose alcohol over us. I am sad that my dad is lonely. I am sad that I dont feel like I have a best friend who loves me for me. I am sad that I dont even really know who I am as a person.
WHOA that was way harder than I thought.....I noticed I still have alot of issues with my mother. (I talked about her in every post...and didnt even realize)
Maybe that is what is really holding me back!!???