Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Last night, sleep did not come easily. For some reason I was plagued with tough questions about my existence and feeling quite hopeless about things. I do not normally allow myself to flounder like that, but last night I was sucked into a vortex of despair and had trouble pulling out.
So I ate.
I ate a half a bag of Tostitos and two froze fruit bars.
Just because I was mad at life.
I do not normally do that; eat in a self-destructive angry way. But last night I did. And although I kind of worked things out by talking to an online friend, it was not before I'd done some damage to myself.
In times past, I'd struggled with self-destructive behavior and I guess I could look at it that eating some Tostitos is better than engaging in self-harming behavior, but it still didn't feel good. Kind of felt the same.
Who would have guessed that eating is so complex? So bound up in who we are and how we think? It never seemed to be that way for me in the past and now all of these new tendencies are cropping up and need to be dealt with. Maybe they were there all the time, and just went unrecognized?
Come to think of it, I clearly remember nights when my anorexia was in full bloom, where I ate in a self-destructive manner....just to make myself sick and angrier. So I guess it really is nothing new....it just went undercover for some years.