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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

well, February is on it's way out...and March is going to ease in like a lamb or roar in like a lion. I hope it roars as it enters....then it can ease on out gently. And coming in roaring almost gives the image of "taking the month by storm" which I could use right now.

February has been sort of a disaster (well not a DISASTER but not a good month) in terms of my weight loss. I spent half of the month in the hospital getting IV steroids and swelling up from them. The other half of the month I spent alternating between tentatively experimenting with how my body would respond to exercise while being good with my nutrition and then totally throwing the whole idea to the winds and eating anything I felt like eating.

As a result I think I only ended up GAINing a pound for the month rather than losing anything.

March has to be different. I've got to get on the ball (the stability ball??) and get with the program (SPARK People's program?) and get this thing (MY BODY?)(THE SCALE???) on the move. I'm sick of sickening myself with my fluctuations and lack of commitment. I"M GOING TO DO THIS and the time to start that is NOW!

It's too late to do it this minute, but tomorrow I am going to haul my rear end (no easy task) down into my basement where I work out and WORK OUT....and I am going to track my foods and stop the ridiculous cheating I've been doing. And OK, if I have this nighttime compulsive eating disorder, I will have to work with it and set out a small snack for myself each night to eat when I wake up at 2:00 groping for something to shove into my face. And that will have to be that...and it will have to be something that fits into the day's calorie count...

I think the reason I've been so on-again-off-again about this thus far is that I haven't really pictured my goal ...myself AT my goal....I KNOW it's feasible,... I was there just a short year and a half ago....But honestly, I'd lost the hope that I'd ever go back again. I've actually gotten used to thinking of myself as a "large woman" and have forgotten what that body looked like that I had for so much of my life. I've gotten used to avoiding mirrors, avoiding cameras, avoiding public places even ...because of shame. Because I hate who I've become.

Who HAVE I become? Have I become anyone else?

I've become someone who goes from hospital admission to hospital admission; from illness to complication...and from Twinkie to tub of ice cream...and that's really ENOUGH of that! I want my health back. I know that losing weight will probably not completely change my health issues....but it WILL help to lessen their severity. It will certainly help my self image. And if I can do a bit of exercise, it will also make me stronger (in more ways than one). And it will, in the long run, help my pulmonary health also.

Tonight, my plan is to spend some time--clearly and with detail--visualizing this process and the end result...my goal and desire. And also to picture myself attaining all that I hope to attain from the process. I think that will help to make the whole thing more real, more obtainable, for me.

Also, I am now at the maintenance dose of the steroids...a much lower dose than I've been on this month. So I need to start drinking a LOT of water to flush all of the remainders of that nasty drug and the fluids that it's caused me to swell up with, out of my body.

Yeah. March needs to come in roaring with its determination and commitment to devour all that stands in the way of my meeting my goals. I need to know that this is real, possible, and necessary for me in order to get serious about doing it. This is NOT a game. I've felt kind of like I'm not really a Spark Person...because exercise is so difficult for me physically. I've felt like I'm on the side lines...and when you're on the sidelines, it is easy to step in and out of the boundaries...in and out of the game. NOPE not anymore. I'm going to come roaring onto the field like a real contender...like someone who has more than a hope of winning the match!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You sound very focused, and I'm so glad you can put February into the proper perspective - no blame, no guilt, no shame. You can't control your health issues, but you can control your diet/exercise. Good for you - and let the roaring commence!
    3860 days ago
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