Dipping but not Diving
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Have you ever had a sequence of events happen that seemed to set you into a downward spiral. One moment you were fine and the next minute things are dipping and twirling out of control?
That was my Friday. I must confess that the blog I wrote yesterday was an intentional attempt on my part to keep myself from heading into a downward dive. I needed to remind myself of where I have been and how far I have come and why it is all worth it.
On Friday, someone I love, who says they love me, had a stressful morning and decided to use my heart as the dumping ground. I realized he was under stress and tried to divert him from saying and doing things that would be hard to undo. But, I realize now, I cannot change the actions of others. I was so sad and so scared. I felt unsafe and confused. Hours before I felt so confident and strong.
I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat . . . a lot! A whole lot! Then, I just stopped. I told my boss I needed a couple hours off to pull myself together. I came home and read my journal. Revisited my goals, personal and health goals. Then I went over what had just happened, trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out why I felt like I had this big gaping hole in my chest.
I can't say I felt great, but I did stop crying and I didn't eat anything other than my nutritious lunch I had packed. But I did not feel like myself. I felt deflated. No energy. No interest. No passion. No drive.
On Saturday I had a 6.2 mile run scheduled. This should have been no problem since I just ran 7.7 last Saturday. But, I had to run on the treadmill due to some weather issues and my head still was spinning. I really could have used my Go-Go Gladiator mentality to help me through this run. But I could not muster any enthusiasm or interest. I just went into 'just do it' mode. Man, when that Spark fizzles, it is hard to re ignite! Just a couple days before, I was on fire! Now, I couldn't even spark! The run was horrible. From the first mile I had little pains and twinges that plagued me. I'm sure it had a lot to do with how I was feeling inside. I got it done, but it wasn't pretty or fun.
Sunday morning I was one of the greeters at church and it was my Sunday to teach Children's Church. While I was getting ready for church I looked at myself in the mirror and thought
"where is my glimmer, my shine, my spark?"
"how do I get that mojo back again that makes me feel on top of the world
Then I thought about those kiddos and all the people I would be greeting and I thought how unfair to them that I am less than perky and pleasant. Then I thought,
"Wait! How unfair to me!"
"I want to feel perky and pleasant!"
"I want to feel like a radiant beam of sunlight!"
" I want ME back! for ME"
"Why have I allowed the actions and comments of others to dictate how I feel about myself?"
"Is it easier to hate myself than to be mad at others?"
"Why have I given someone else the power to flip that switch?"
"THAT switch that turns on the light in my soul"
"THAT switch that makes me feel radiant"
"THAT switch which plugs me into the passion of my life"
"Whose switch is it?"
"If I allow someone else to flip that switch off then in fact I am saying that they have the power to switch it back on"
"WHAT????" "I will not be flipped and switched at the whim of others!!!"
I choose ON!!!
I really made the choice and then counted on the feelings to follow the decision. I dressed for the gym, not feeling my usual cocky bad girl swagger, but going through the motions.
I get to the gym and start on the rowing machine. Not feeling it.
My favorite music is pumping in my ears. Not feeling it.
I glance over at the wall of mirrors beside me and I see the ripple of the muscle definition starting to emerge in my arms and shoulders. I smile.
Oh, yea. That's why you love lifting.
I head to the heavy weights and start working out. Bicep curls. 3 sets of 10 with 20# weights. Man, I love how pumping iron feels!
I can't help but smile at my progress and the strength I have gained. Dang, my arms are really starting to shape up!
After arms and shoulders, I head to the mats for some crunches and some pilates type stuff I do.
I'm laying on my back after a couple sets and I realize I'm just staring at the ceiling. I feel good.
I'm actually smiling.
I love working out.
I love being me.
I can't solve the problems of the world by working out.
But, I also can't solve the problems of this world by eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
Being in shape doesn't make me less prone to heart ache.
Being overweight or unhealthy will not make the problems go away either.
Skinny or fat, I can't solve the problems of the world.
I have to choose what is in my best interest and decide that no one gets to flip that switch