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Dipping but not Diving

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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen that seemed to set you into a downward spiral. One moment you were fine and the next minute things are dipping and twirling out of control?

That was my Friday. I must confess that the blog I wrote yesterday was an intentional attempt on my part to keep myself from heading into a downward dive. I needed to remind myself of where I have been and how far I have come and why it is all worth it.

On Friday, someone I love, who says they love me, had a stressful morning and decided to use my heart as the dumping ground. I realized he was under stress and tried to divert him from saying and doing things that would be hard to undo. But, I realize now, I cannot change the actions of others. I was so sad and so scared. I felt unsafe and confused. Hours before I felt so confident and strong.

I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry. I wanted to eat . . . a lot! A whole lot! Then, I just stopped. I told my boss I needed a couple hours off to pull myself together. I came home and read my journal. Revisited my goals, personal and health goals. Then I went over what had just happened, trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out why I felt like I had this big gaping hole in my chest.

I can't say I felt great, but I did stop crying and I didn't eat anything other than my nutritious lunch I had packed. But I did not feel like myself. I felt deflated. No energy. No interest. No passion. No drive.

On Saturday I had a 6.2 mile run scheduled. This should have been no problem since I just ran 7.7 last Saturday. But, I had to run on the treadmill due to some weather issues and my head still was spinning. I really could have used my Go-Go Gladiator mentality to help me through this run. But I could not muster any enthusiasm or interest. I just went into 'just do it' mode. Man, when that Spark fizzles, it is hard to re ignite! Just a couple days before, I was on fire! Now, I couldn't even spark! The run was horrible. From the first mile I had little pains and twinges that plagued me. I'm sure it had a lot to do with how I was feeling inside. I got it done, but it wasn't pretty or fun.

Sunday morning I was one of the greeters at church and it was my Sunday to teach Children's Church. While I was getting ready for church I looked at myself in the mirror and thought

"where is my glimmer, my shine, my spark?"

"how do I get that mojo back again that makes me feel on top of the world

Then I thought about those kiddos and all the people I would be greeting and I thought how unfair to them that I am less than perky and pleasant. Then I thought,

"Wait! How unfair to me!"

"I want to feel perky and pleasant!"

"I want to feel like a radiant beam of sunlight!"

" I want ME back! for ME"

"Why have I allowed the actions and comments of others to dictate how I feel about myself?"

"Is it easier to hate myself than to be mad at others?"

"Why have I given someone else the power to flip that switch?"

"THAT switch that turns on the light in my soul"

"THAT switch that makes me feel radiant"

"THAT switch which plugs me into the passion of my life"

"Whose switch is it?"

"If I allow someone else to flip that switch off then in fact I am saying that they have the power to switch it back on"

"WHAT????" "I will not be flipped and switched at the whim of others!!!"

I choose ON!!!

I really made the choice and then counted on the feelings to follow the decision. I dressed for the gym, not feeling my usual cocky bad girl swagger, but going through the motions.

I get to the gym and start on the rowing machine. Not feeling it.

My favorite music is pumping in my ears. Not feeling it.

I glance over at the wall of mirrors beside me and I see the ripple of the muscle definition starting to emerge in my arms and shoulders. I smile.

Oh, yea. That's why you love lifting.

I head to the heavy weights and start working out. Bicep curls. 3 sets of 10 with 20# weights. Man, I love how pumping iron feels!

I can't help but smile at my progress and the strength I have gained. Dang, my arms are really starting to shape up!

After arms and shoulders, I head to the mats for some crunches and some pilates type stuff I do.

I'm laying on my back after a couple sets and I realize I'm just staring at the ceiling. I feel good.

I'm actually smiling.

I love working out.

I love being me.

I can't solve the problems of the world by working out.

But, I also can't solve the problems of this world by eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Being in shape doesn't make me less prone to heart ache.

Being overweight or unhealthy will not make the problems go away either.

Skinny or fat, I can't solve the problems of the world.

I have to choose what is in my best interest and decide that no one gets to flip that switch

but me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just linked to this from Linis_thin. This is right on and extremely helpful! Thanks, Carolyn. emoticon

    Haha--I re-read this today and was about to add a comment. This is good insight, Carolyn, and is helping me.
    3813 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/18/2012 2:53:54 PM
  • no profile photo CATJAMNOW
    I am new to Spark. Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes. You are succeeding at the very thing that I have been trying to work on for quite a while now.... Positive self talk. Not only did you take the time to look at the situation that occurred, but you corrected your reaction to it. You were able to put it in the correct perspective. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have inspired me! emoticon
    3840 days ago
  • 7777BEV
    Thanks for your wise thoughts! I'm discouraged a little today and reading your perspective on that switch is just what I needed - so thanks again! I'm going to keep MY hand on that switch and not take it off. emoticon
    3840 days ago
    This is great. Thanks for putting it out there.
    3848 days ago
    Tears in my eyes I thank you for writing this!
    I was trying to find myself all morning. I can't get housework done, I can't find the sun! (I live in the tropics... It is midday... it is NOT that hard!)

    I told my flylady chat group that I was going to blog till I find myself. I just found myself in your blog. Since DH said and did somethig that hurt me a few weeks ago... I have not been myself. You have spurred me on to write my own blog. I will post a link to this blog in it because this blog explains the lightbulb in my own head.

    emoticon Thank you!! emoticon
    3848 days ago
    Excellent blog!! Great attitude and good for catching yourself before you fell into a big deep black hole!! Girl POWER : )
    3850 days ago
    This is the most awesome blog I have ever read...you go girl...and thanks...you are a inspiration...and I hope every thing goes your way!!!
    3851 days ago
    Yes! I want to be perky and pleasant too but have been feeling grumpy and crabby...

    positive thoughts!

    3852 days ago
    Amazing blog can't you see yourself transform! I wouldn't even title this dipping I'd call it over coming, instead of hittin' up the ben and jerrys you hit up the gym maybe you didn't have the same flair as before but you know what you did it! You went to the gym stuck to your workout when so many of us (and I know I've done this) had a bad day skip the workout and curl up on the couch to do nothing. Awesome job! emoticon
    3852 days ago
  • SHUCG1004
    Your blog really spoke to me. I have been feeling down recently as well. Fizzle is a great way to describe it. You are right about keeping it on - for you. I am proud of you for going to lift. No, you can't solve all the problems in this world, nor are you immune to others' actions on you. I'm proud of you for resisting the urge to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's -- you are stronger and healthier and the next time, maybe the urge won't be so great. I'm hoping that for myself. Thank you for sharing, and we love you!

    3852 days ago
    I am sorry!! Also I could not be there for you!! I have been so busy!! I hope you are feeling better!!!
    3852 days ago
    Thanks so much for your blog. I love how open you are and so willing to share your feelings and thoughts with all of us. These are things that I have never been good at. However, knowing how much your writing touches my heart inspires me to try harder.
    3852 days ago
    Yeah, unkind words can really turn off my switch too.
    I am reeling from my partner's behaviour, of last night, too.
    My mood has slumped, I chose not to go to gym today.

    I did do some emo eating, last night, but just a small bowl of toasted muesli with a bio-dynamic, low fat yogurt.
    But today I drank hardly any water, I forced myself to make something nutritious and fast after I realised I missed dinner.
    I just tossed a rinsed tin of white beans into a bowl, added a small can of salmon & a tiny spoon of salad cream (egg, vinegar, mustard, yogurt).

    Thanks for your blog Carolyn, your thoughts have made me more concious of self-care.

    3853 days ago
    What a touching blog Carolyn. I am sorry you have had a rough couple of days lately. I would say I know how you feel. Not so much having someone say something hurtful to me, but my heart is constantly in turmoil due to my husbands absence and the emotional turbulance that my kiddos are going through. Some days I live through the day with the JUST DO IT mentality, but I love the days where I feel like I am on the top of the mountain and the sky is within my grasp.
    3853 days ago
    You are totally awesome!! Thank you so much for sharing this.

    3853 days ago
    I so know where you're at ~ I too went on a downward spiral, only to realize it's only me that will stop that slide. You're so right when you talk about not letting other people turn your sparkle off ~ you are the only one who can choose if you want to do that. I'm so glad that pumping iron got your smile back ~ made you remember who you really are! The lessons in this journey are many and it's a great thing when you can be open to them.

    Here's to the journey! Lori emoticon
    3853 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/2/2010 11:19:12 AM
    Wonderful blog! emoticon
    3853 days ago
  • LDY_ALI_79
    emoticon I had a similar situation last Thursday at work. I wish I would have felt more strong as you because I did eat to ease the pain & guess what? It didn't work, I still felt pain.

    Thanks for sharing!
    3853 days ago
  • SML1122
    wow. yeah its hard not to give others our power sometimes.
    the hardest lesson that i have to keep relearning is: you cant control the actions of others, you can only control your own".

    nice blog, thanks for sharing such personal thoughts.

    3853 days ago
    Excellent blog -- and I loved the part about whose switch it is, and who owns the power to control the switch.
    Also --- CUTE, CUTE, CUTE new photo!! You look so alive and perky and sassy in that photo!
    Love it!
    3853 days ago
    Love, love, love this blog. Thank you so much for this! I'm so glad you were able to flip the switch back on!
    3853 days ago
    You are amazing. That was such a touching blog. I am sorry that situation happened - really I am. But you really know who to rebound.

    I am admire you immensely. Cheers.

    3853 days ago
    you are amazing you write so beautifully I wish I could do that these are feelings I think most of us have had and I could never at least not yet express my self like that you inspire me to do more be better besides all the challenges that try to stop me thanks for the inspire uplift
    3854 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2010 10:52:01 AM
  • no profile photo CD4811290
    Thanks for sharing, I felt pretty much the same the last days. I have decided my switch is ON (as a matter of fact I put one on my screen)
    3854 days ago
    (((((Hugs)))))) It is a hard balance to be emotionally open and still our own Power Warrior. But, you can do it. And you are fabulous!

    3854 days ago
    Thanks for sharing.
    3854 days ago
    I am going to have to add a lightswitch to my visual board as a reminder of this blog. Sometimes we need a reminder that we are in the driver's seat of our lives and that holding on to negativity does not fix the situation that it came from. We are important and worthy of a blessed life. emoticon
    3854 days ago
    Way to go on recognizing what you want and how to get it done. Though sometimes a struggle, we need to know that little steps and re-evaluating our goals will help us move along.

    I am SO sorry you had a terrible day, but SO happy you were able to turn it around and loving yourself! You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and successful.

    Keep it up girl, you are doing AMAZING!
    3854 days ago
    Thanks! I needed this. I missed my workouts this weekend, but will be back full force today. We can all do this with the right attitude.
    3854 days ago
    Thanks! I needed that.
    3854 days ago
  • 46SHADOW
    Thank you for your blog. I can relate and I liked how you managed the situation. Your on/off button. I will remember that . also like the Ben and Jerry's analogy.
    3854 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2010 7:12:31 AM
    You handled this beautifully! Yeah for you!!!
    3854 days ago
    Positively beautiful and so very true to the very last word.

    Thank you.

    YOU ROCK!!!
    3854 days ago
    "I can't solve the problems of the world by working out. But, I also can't solve the problems of this world by eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's."

    The above really spoke to me this morning! As someone who is trying to get get own mojo back after a 4-week long vacation, this was exactly what I needed to hear!

    3854 days ago
    Good for you! It's amazing when the mind takes over and we can talk ourselves into or out of anything. emoticon
    3854 days ago
  • LLTS01
    What a wonderful blog. You are incredibly inspiring. You put into words what I feel at least once a week. You do come first and only you should be able to set te mood for the day.
    3854 days ago
    Such strength and perseverance you have shown through what sounds like a very difficult and disappointing (not to mention heart breaking) experience. Thanks for sharing with us on how to navigate back onto a powerful path. You are strong, indeed.
    3854 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you had such a horrible and down day. It's okay though, sometimes we do but that does not make us any less or who we are. You were strong just by stepping out of the bad feelings into the good ones. You took care of you and that is what was most important. More power to you babe! Keep on truckin'!

    You are emoticon !

    emoticon on overcoming negativity!

    You rock!

    3854 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6409041
    Thats awesome that you were able to work through it and get your mojo back! I hope it works out for you in the end. Sometimes I have to give myself those same pep talks to get going or think of a quote. One of my favorite that I've seen others use on here is:

    Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won.
    It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. - Ayn Rand

    I liek that so much made it the title of my sparkpage.
    3854 days ago
    Good for you! I so admire your courage when your heart is aching. I hope that the ache gets better, but in the meantime, hang on to that awesome attitude!
    3854 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    3854 days ago
  • KARVY09
    Hey, at least you can take comfort in knowing that when you slump, you get right back up and on it ASAP! You have such spirit that even when it is broken, you have the mental and emotional strength to fix it!
    3854 days ago
  • TREBLE02
    perfection! Sorry that your heart was broken this morning...but I am SO impressed and proud of the way you ultimately handled it! you go girl! (((HUGS)))
    3854 days ago
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