Having a really, really rough day
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
So today has been a pretty bad day, a pretty depressing day. What started it all off was that I stepped on to my scale this morning and it gave me a very nice number until I realized that perhaps I shouldnt try standing on it while it is on the rug, so I took it to the kitchen and immediately it shot back a number about 5 pounsd heavier. Needless to say I have been fooling myself to think that I actually haven't gained back any of the weight I lost, which in fact I have gained back about 5-7 pounds. This started off the bad day I was going to have on a very very horrible note. There after I found myself just falling into that state of bashing myself mentally. I always do this to myself, take time off cause life just catches up to me and I then fall off the band wagon all together, and HELLO weight is back! My wedding is about 2 months away and I am NO where near where I want to be weight wise. Then the depressing spiral began!
I am about 2 hours away from where I grew up and friends are now far and few between. Actually, who am I kidding, there are none. One friend that I was friends with for about 6 or so years comes and goes when it pleases her. And the hurtful part is she had done so much more for other friends that are always doing her wrong. Anyways, recently after we closed on our house, she disappeared again and never bothered to say congrats. Anyways I can go on and on...point being is that I realized that the 1 friend that I felt very close to, was never a friend to begin with. The phone never rings with a girlfriend on the other end to see how I am doing. Just another aspect of my life that really gets to me sometimes. Especially since I am home all alone all day while my Fiances son is at school and the fiance is at work.
Then all I can think about is how "fat" I am going to look on my wedding day. I can't stand looking in the mirror, cant stand my plain Jane face. I know the pictures are going to come out horrible, cause my low self-esteem is going to be brightly showing through.
And then I had absolutely no motivation to do anything today, not to workout, not to eat and then when I did it was all junk. Lol I sound like a soap opera. One moment in time I am ready to give it my all, then life hits me and I fall off, gain some back and then beat myself up for having wasted all the time it took to lose it. I finally have the time now to devote a lot of time to working out. I wanted to start doing cardio every day on top of P90X. I know I can handle it since I have a dancing background. I just kinda want to give up. Definitely down in the dumps with a ton of things, even though I have so much to be happy for. Ya go Me for finding all thats wrong in my life NOT!