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Abort Mission

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Ah, well. So much for the "9 lb Sprint" (see previous blog entry.) I just had it confirmed... I am dealing with Depression. The real thing, with a capital letter; not the watered-down buzzword that is bandied about so lightly nowadays.

I am actually very happy about this news. It is validating to know that I am not crazy for feeling as if I am wading sleepily through molasses - there actualyl IS molasses! Or, as Dilbert once said, "You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter." That's exactly how it felt, and now I know it's not just me - there IS peanut butter.

I am working with an awesome therapist, so I am confident that I will get past this, somehow, eventually. She once told me, when I was beating myself up for not being able to accomplish what I thought I should be able to - "Depression is not laziness; it's paralysis." How validating to know that I am not an incompetent, lazy, careless person. There is something real, though invisible, which is hindering me.

My therapist feels that I could look into medication, but that it is very possible that by changing my thoughts and feelings, I can get out of this myself. I would definitely like to go that route. I know that help is out there, that I don't have to suffer, that I could take a pill. But if I'm given the option, even as awful as this condition is, I would want to come out of this using the power of my mind.

Oh, right, this is a weight loss blog, right? :) This affects my weight loss considerably. In fact, I've noticed a direct correlation between how I'm feeling and how well I'm sticking to my plan. So when I'm feeling crappy, I can't stick to my plan. This is why I am at the same weight I was two weeks ago (hey, better than gaining! I'm grateful) and this is also why I've realized I have to completely drop any expectations of losing weight according to any consistent schedule that can be projected or relied upon. My journey won't generate one of those perfect graphs whose weight line goes steadily down till it hits goal. It's not as simple for me; there's so much else going on that is affecting, or even controlling, my best efforts and intentions.

I will work on my health, both psychological and physical, and eventually I will be both happy and healthy. I'll continue blogging about it here - your support and interest strengthens and reassures me considerably. But the timeline, the short-term goal, the immediate wish - I have to forget about that for now. Abort Mission. Begin Life.
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    I love love love your sentiment "abort mission, begin life". I just think that says so much. I'm so glad that you've had it confirmed and that you have a great therapist to help you work through things. If it helps, my graph isn't perfect either! :)
    3792 days ago
    So glad you've gotten this diagnosed and there's a plan for you to overcome this challenge! You can do this and you will. And you'll probably find that exercising has an impact on your mood, and that as you begin dealing with the depression, other things will begin to fall into place in life as the perspective shifts. So glad you found a therapist to partner with you on this journey! I have complete and utter faith in you! Go for it and things will be better!
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    3795 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/11/2010 8:47:16 PM
    I'm here for you, as always! You're in my thoughts and prayers, even when I can't get on here! ::HUG::
    3797 days ago
    I completely understand the journey that you are about to embark upon. I have Bipolar Depression which is control with 2 medications that do not help or promote any sort of weight loss. I am glad that you found the answer that you were seeking...therapy is great, and it helps to give yourself time to think about what is going on and free the soul.

    3798 days ago
    I think finding out what the problem is in its self is very freeing. At least it was for me when I found out I had ADHD in 2006. Don't forget there are several spark groups that are specific for depression that may be helpful. Just remember baby steps.
    3798 days ago
    You're not alone :)
    Reach out to your sparkfriends or other support when and if you need to. And take it one day at a time.
    3798 days ago
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    3798 days ago
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