Thursday, July 08, 2010
Ah, well. So much for the "9 lb Sprint" (see previous blog entry.) I just had it confirmed... I am dealing with Depression. The real thing, with a capital letter; not the watered-down buzzword that is bandied about so lightly nowadays.
I am actually very happy about this news. It is validating to know that I am not crazy for feeling as if I am wading sleepily through molasses - there actualyl IS molasses! Or, as Dilbert once said, "You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter." That's exactly how it felt, and now I know it's not just me - there IS peanut butter.
I am working with an awesome therapist, so I am confident that I will get past this, somehow, eventually. She once told me, when I was beating myself up for not being able to accomplish what I thought I should be able to - "Depression is not laziness; it's paralysis." How validating to know that I am not an incompetent, lazy, careless person. There is something real, though invisible, which is hindering me.
My therapist feels that I could look into medication, but that it is very possible that by changing my thoughts and feelings, I can get out of this myself. I would definitely like to go that route. I know that help is out there, that I don't have to suffer, that I could take a pill. But if I'm given the option, even as awful as this condition is, I would want to come out of this using the power of my mind.
Oh, right, this is a weight loss blog, right? :) This affects my weight loss considerably. In fact, I've noticed a direct correlation between how I'm feeling and how well I'm sticking to my plan. So when I'm feeling crappy, I can't stick to my plan. This is why I am at the same weight I was two weeks ago (hey, better than gaining! I'm grateful) and this is also why I've realized I have to completely drop any expectations of losing weight according to any consistent schedule that can be projected or relied upon. My journey won't generate one of those perfect graphs whose weight line goes steadily down till it hits goal. It's not as simple for me; there's so much else going on that is affecting, or even controlling, my best efforts and intentions.
I will work on my health, both psychological and physical, and eventually I will be both happy and healthy. I'll continue blogging about it here - your support and interest strengthens and reassures me considerably. But the timeline, the short-term goal, the immediate wish - I have to forget about that for now. Abort Mission. Begin Life.