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MORTICIAADDAMS
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Crossing The River Styx

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

I got up 15 minutes early today and started making breakfast. I quickly got cleaned up and dressed so I could get an early start. On days when you have to mess with the DMV time is of the essence.

I called the DMV the first thing and it was like pulling teeth to get any info out of them. I'm surprised they admitted to being the DMV. The bottom line: they couldn't tell me anything or they would have to kill me. I could probably have accessed secret classified CIA documents easier then getting then to tell me the price for a drivers license renewal. After pleading, begging, cajoling, bribing, and threatening the first DMV they finally admitted that they were 1. the DMV, 2. open for business until 6 P.M. today and 3. that hubby would have to come in. They would not tell me, or him if he called, if he had to take a test. That's too personal - none of your business in fact - and you will be banished to the bowels of Hell for even asking. The reason for this being.................. what? If they told me the info, would the red phone ring in the White House and an errant nuclear missile be launched? The second DMV I called stated that, 1. yes they are the DMV and 2. yes, they are open, (Déjà Vu) and after practically having to give the man on the other end of the line some phone sex, he admitted that if hubby had not had an accident or a ticket in the last 10 years he would not have to take a test. Is there anyone out there who wonders why our government is so messed up? I called hubby and told him the good news - "You are headed for the Gas Chamber - I mean the DMV."

After I had my IBS inducing conversation with the psychotic DMV employees I swept the floors, spot cleaned the 6 pet cages, spot cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, took out the compost and recyclables, fed the wild life, emptied the waste cans and burned the trash, and started a load of laundry. I finished my grocery list and was out of the house to run errands before 9:30. I went to the post office, our Dish provider, the newspaper office, Lowes, the electrical supply place, and the bank.

I then took hubby a crate of household paperwork proving he is alive, a basket full of money, and a blank check since he was going to the DMV. You have to cover all possible scenarios and bases to avoid hidden costs and agendas they spring on you. He kissed me goodbye while he stated the obvious - "If you go to the DMV you never know if you will return."

Upon arriving they give you a number even though it's obvious that 3/4 of the elderly people whose numbers were in front of yours have passed away in their chairs and everyone else just flipped them the bird and left. Even though you are the ONLY person left sitting in the entire building and you have number 5284 they will still call out every single number between 348 and 5284, followed by a pregnant pause.........................
........... while they scan the room to make sure that you are not getting ahead in line.

When you finally get called up to the desk they ask you questions like, "Can you sing the hemi-demi-semi-quaver tune from Close Encounters of the Third Kind?" "To the closest millimeter, what is the circumference of the Death Star in Star Wars?" "What is the serial number of the U.S.S Enterprise?" And of course, you are by that time 80 and have to admit that you can't even recall why you are there. You brought everything from the house other than your sci fi movie collections and have no answers. So with a smirk on their thin cruel lips and a twinkle in their demon eyes they will loudly proclaim YOU DO NOT HAVE THE PROPER DOCUMENTATION!! While you break out in tears they will have a group huddle and high five and goose each other while strutting and clucking like a barnyard full of chickens. Did I mention I hate the DMV?

Well, anyway, I was not done for the day and had to head to Aldis, Wal-Mart, and Kroger before I headed home to put it all away and make supper.

Hubby went directly from work dressed in his usual smelly, grimy work attire. He looks like a poster child for inbreeding. And, guess what!! ..............................
. they whisked him right through. I almost lost my teeth. I asked him if he was sure they didn't drug him and harvest a kidney for resale or something and he said the woman even seemed cooperative. Cooperative? The DMV??? They even put our post office address on his drivers license - something they swore to me that would NEVER happen. No lectures. No games. No cavity searches. Good grief, if I had known that all you had to do to get in and out of there in a jiffy is to go in dressed and scented like a sewer worker or slaughter house employee I would have done this years ago. Seriously, next time I'm dressing like a meth addicted $2 a day hooker and will ask them on arrival if they have a restroom I can clean up in a little. They probably won't even let me sit down before they push me with a pole to the front of the line. LOL.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MRSSHOWME
    emoticon Somehow I had missed this one, and couldn't not comment on it as I try to keep my laughter from waking the hurricanes, err...midgets that don't work, err...children who are still sleeping upstairs! I have to send my hubby on that journey next week as our new house is in Missouri and his old one was on the Kansas side and his plates expire this month. I went through the song and dance in July and have to say it is a national issue - all DMV offices are insane!
    3549 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6550047
    in Oregon you can't call the DMV and you never have the right info so you will have to come back... you also can't call the Post Office.. I don't know what all those phone numbers are for but it goes to a ansewing machine in Salem... no matter what.. so frustrating.. we have to go to another town for the DMV and I hate it... actually I have 3 more years before having to deal with them.. I just hope I can maintian this weight until then.. it will be the first time I wouldn't have to lie on the info...LOL
    3550 days ago
  • CAROLFAITHWALKR
    Wow, miracles do still exist. Or maybe it was the smelly clothes.

    Illinois' govt sounds like Iowa's. All very complicated, worthless, and think too highly of themselves. Maryland's DMV is bad, not something I'm looking forward to, it's like they think they're their own little IRS kingdom or something.

    Americans should never have let it get this bad. We've got to change things.
    3550 days ago
  • JILLINWONDER
    YES!! I know someone who drove over 50 miles to get to the nearest DMV only to be told they needed to bring their BIRTH CERTIFICATE before they could renew their license! And you're so right about getting info by phone! How do we stand it??!!
    3552 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3343212
    emoticon Well, U could go packing a Gun? But that would probably ruin your mission. And as to how Old you should feel? At the new age of 50 I did ask the Dr today if I was just trying to stay young with my complaints. She was still of the opinion that your only as Old as you let yourself feel! Ha! Could someone tell the old bones and muscles this? emoticon
    3553 days ago
  • GOANNA2
    You made my day. You are really hilarious Morticia.

    How good was that? Breezing right through no doubt.
    Maybe I will do that next time I need my licence renewed.

    Enjoy and always stay chirpy to entertain the likes of us.
    emoticon emoticon
    3553 days ago
  • CECE0330
    OMG. emoticon Thanks for the hilarious read. (I find I am somewhere in the middle, which makes me wonder how bad I really look/smell to the people of the DMV. lmao)
    3553 days ago
  • DESERT_BIRD
    Omg, not the DMV again! LOL. Here in AZ our licenses don't expire for at least 10 years. They don't want to see us any more than we want to see them. Needless to say, it's not a bad experience.

    But that doesn't mean I've never had the pleasure...in WA state, that is.
    3553 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/8/2010 3:02:49 PM
  • MONAMOM
    ROFL!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny!! My poor 84 year old Mom still doesn't have her ID (NOT a driver's liscense) as she didn't have a copy of her 1949 divorce papers. I guess they are all the same. Will tell her to wear stinking clothes, carry a big bag of garbage and MAYBE she will get some results. hehehehe!! Love it!! Hugs!
    3553 days ago
  • PENNYAN45
    Thanks for this very entertaining blog. I laughed out loud many times. If one doesn't laugh about the experiences with the DMV - one will go stark raving mad!!
    Glad your story had a happy ending!

    emoticon
    3553 days ago
  • REYNJANET
    This was so funny! Quite a day!!
    3553 days ago
  • ASTORRES1
    OMG...ROFL....yes the YOUR BOOK has to be written!!!!


    amy
    3553 days ago
  • SEESTARS
    Laughing out loud in my office. Co-workers are starting to wonder what I'm reading.... (wire & cable specs *wink-wink* have never been this entertaining before) Thanks for the laugh. I think I can get through the rest of this work day in once piece.
    3553 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5496460
    Great story telling!!!

    I am worried that when it's my time to renew, they will have an in-floor scale that will automatically take my weight and flash it up on a screen in big red numbers behind the counter. Sirens will go off and they will issue me a ticket and I'll have to pay a $10 a pound fine because I did not speak up and tell them that my weight on my license is no longer correct.
    3553 days ago
  • SPARTAN40
    Wow that was hilarous! I don't know how you come up with that stuff. Our DMVs are the same - thank god for on line renewals!
    3553 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    You are just to funny. Love you and your sense of humor.

    emoticon

    You made my day.

    Sunny
    3553 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5128667
    Wow.....I thought my state was bad (but thinking back on it, I guess I gotta say I really didn't have things all that rough when I would hit that place).......
    3553 days ago
  • LINDAKAY228
    Oh that made me laugh so hard so early in the morning! Great way of telling it.
    3553 days ago
  • BETHGILLIGAN
    You are so funny!!! I laughed and laughed at this--only because it is TRUE!!! Thanks for the tip on fast DMV service!
    3553 days ago
  • MAJA0123
    if you do get a drivers licenses picture taken while dressing like a crack head or hook.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE post it.. LOL. thanks for the laugh..
    3553 days ago
  • VICIOUS421
    emoticon I had to get up off the floor from where I lay laughing hysterically to type this. My little dog is staring at me like he is wishing he knew how to use the phone & call someone that deals with humans that exhibit 'strange' behavior!!!!! LOL that was a great blog!!!! I am making copys to post at all the DMVs in my city (Just kidding but it would be funny)!!!!!! Thank you for posting this!!!!!!
    emoticon
    3553 days ago
  • SHERYLDS
    Love it ROFLMAO
    Have you seen the procedure manual for DMV employees?
    "if you don't know the answer or don't want to help the person, just tell them you are not allowed to give out that information"
    "take your time...it's not like they have a choice"
    "drive them crazy"
    3553 days ago
  • MOTHEROFBOYS247
    LOL! My last trip I was all set, waited in line for about an hour only to find out they did not accept credit card as payment when I got to the front. Bah, humbug. I didn't have that much cash or my check book with me, so a wasted hour.
    3553 days ago
  • KATPRIEBE
    OMG......ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

    ... emoticon ... emoticon emoticon
    3553 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/7/2010 11:49:42 PM
  • LIQUEURLADY
    Thanks! It's really TOO much TOO true! and it's contagious! emoticon
    3553 days ago
  • no profile photo DEVORA4
    OMG Do I know what you are complaining about. It isn't just the DMV it is ALL government offices run by petty bureaucrats. I have lived in Ohio and in Florida and I can assure you it is NO better there.
    3554 days ago
  • no profile photo CHOCMOM
    Thanks for the emoticon I wonder where is the DMV School that all DMV employees go to because it doesn't matter what state you are in, they are all the same!!!! emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • CODEMAULER
    Let us know when you're at the DMV with the hooker get'up; I'm so gonna be there to cheer you on, Sister!!

    emoticon

    Congrats on making it out alive!
    3554 days ago
  • JFROGDIVA
    Morticia ~ you ROCK!!!! You are SO talented!!!! ROFLOL ROFLOL!!!! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.....cried & laughed to the point of doing what little old ladies do when they laugh too hard!!!! I really needed this tonight!!!! Been there & done that!!!! I, too, HATE the Illinois DMV!!!! THANK YOU!!!! emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • no profile photo CD128363
    Wow, what a day! I also hate the Oregon DMV, I've always said that employees attend a special "rude school" before they can work there. And you always have to wait HOURS. emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • SIMPLE_TAILOR
    It's not just the DMV. It's any normal way anymore. I use the state websites and just end up in a circle. I call and end up on hold for a minimum of 30 minutes. Usually, when I go in, I pretty much go in and out.

    You can't win for losing.
    3554 days ago
  • _RAMONA
    YOU are a masterful wordsmith! LOVED this... and very grateful I drive in Canada, lol (here it would be paying the phone bill... I ask you... who in h3ll would pay someone else's phone bill? If I'm payig the bill, I am who I say I am)! I've been lurking around your blog for a while now (spying on those turtles), and I really enjoy your point of view. Thanks so much for your generosity in sharing.

    {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}
    Ramona
    3554 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/9/2010 12:13:17 PM
  • STEPPYSUE
    Oh my God! ROFLMAO! You are too funny Morticia and too funny is exactly what I needed before I head off to the torture chamber I call bed. Have a great one and I'll "seeya" tomorrow. lol!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • JACKIEBLUE222
    Sooo funny - and so true! My dh used to work for the Post Office - and you thought the DMV is screwed up! Can you imagine what wonders they will work in healthcare. lol


    3554 days ago
  • CLAYKEEPER
    Hilarious... the truth as we know it ! emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • SUZYMOBILE
    I think you were smitten by the mighty blog-writing muse today! Jesus, what a hilarious story! I'm sending it to Bill, to read on his computer. This is worthy of a comedy routine.

    And all due to the DMV's not sending reminder notices any more. Probably a huge shakeup in the organization that has created a "cooperation" side effect. Same thing happens here in NH all the time. emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • USFBULL
    Ah the DMV aren't government run organizations great emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3554 days ago
  • SHERRYTOO
    You brought me a smile. Thanks.

    And you know they whisked him through just to set you up next time...
    3554 days ago
  • DESERTDREAMERS
    Loved this blog - and I have lived it too many times! emoticon
    3554 days ago
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