Crossing The River Styx
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
I got up 15 minutes early today and started making breakfast. I quickly got cleaned up and dressed so I could get an early start. On days when you have to mess with the DMV time is of the essence.
I called the DMV the first thing and it was like pulling teeth to get any info out of them. I'm surprised they admitted to being the DMV. The bottom line: they couldn't tell me anything or they would have to kill me. I could probably have accessed secret classified CIA documents easier then getting then to tell me the price for a drivers license renewal. After pleading, begging, cajoling, bribing, and threatening the first DMV they finally admitted that they were 1. the DMV, 2. open for business until 6 P.M. today and 3. that hubby would have to come in. They would not tell me, or him if he called, if he had to take a test. That's too personal - none of your business in fact - and you will be banished to the bowels of Hell for even asking. The reason for this being.................. what? If they told me the info, would the red phone ring in the White House and an errant nuclear missile be launched? The second DMV I called stated that, 1. yes they are the DMV and 2. yes, they are open, (Déjà Vu) and after practically having to give the man on the other end of the line some phone sex, he admitted that if hubby had not had an accident or a ticket in the last 10 years he would not have to take a test. Is there anyone out there who wonders why our government is so messed up? I called hubby and told him the good news - "You are headed for the Gas Chamber - I mean the DMV."
After I had my IBS inducing conversation with the psychotic DMV employees I swept the floors, spot cleaned the 6 pet cages, spot cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, took out the compost and recyclables, fed the wild life, emptied the waste cans and burned the trash, and started a load of laundry. I finished my grocery list and was out of the house to run errands before 9:30. I went to the post office, our Dish provider, the newspaper office, Lowes, the electrical supply place, and the bank.
I then took hubby a crate of household paperwork proving he is alive, a basket full of money, and a blank check since he was going to the DMV. You have to cover all possible scenarios and bases to avoid hidden costs and agendas they spring on you. He kissed me goodbye while he stated the obvious - "If you go to the DMV you never know if you will return."
Upon arriving they give you a number even though it's obvious that 3/4 of the elderly people whose numbers were in front of yours have passed away in their chairs and everyone else just flipped them the bird and left. Even though you are the ONLY person left sitting in the entire building and you have number 5284 they will still call out every single number between 348 and 5284, followed by a pregnant pause.........................
........... while they scan the room to make sure that you are not getting ahead in line.
When you finally get called up to the desk they ask you questions like, "Can you sing the hemi-demi-semi-quaver tune from Close Encounters of the Third Kind?" "To the closest millimeter, what is the circumference of the Death Star in Star Wars?" "What is the serial number of the U.S.S Enterprise?" And of course, you are by that time 80 and have to admit that you can't even recall why you are there. You brought everything from the house other than your sci fi movie collections and have no answers. So with a smirk on their thin cruel lips and a twinkle in their demon eyes they will loudly proclaim YOU DO NOT HAVE THE PROPER DOCUMENTATION!! While you break out in tears they will have a group huddle and high five and goose each other while strutting and clucking like a barnyard full of chickens. Did I mention I hate the DMV?
Well, anyway, I was not done for the day and had to head to Aldis, Wal-Mart, and Kroger before I headed home to put it all away and make supper.
Hubby went directly from work dressed in his usual smelly, grimy work attire. He looks like a poster child for inbreeding. And, guess what!! ..............................
. they whisked him right through. I almost lost my teeth. I asked him if he was sure they didn't drug him and harvest a kidney for resale or something and he said the woman even seemed cooperative. Cooperative? The DMV??? They even put our post office address on his drivers license - something they swore to me that would NEVER happen. No lectures. No games. No cavity searches. Good grief, if I had known that all you had to do to get in and out of there in a jiffy is to go in dressed and scented like a sewer worker or slaughter house employee I would have done this years ago. Seriously, next time I'm dressing like a meth addicted $2 a day hooker and will ask them on arrival if they have a restroom I can clean up in a little. They probably won't even let me sit down before they push me with a pole to the front of the line. LOL.