Myself; ad nauseum
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I began an online journal today. I read about the possibility in one of a Sparker's blogs and also recalled my daughter saying that she had one....I'm tired of computers breaking or crashing and losing bits of my life as my journals get lost on some microchip never to see they light of day.. I'm tired of losing back up discs and losing major hunks of time there as well. So this seemed to me to be a good idea. And I like the fact that you can choose to make it private or personal. I guess I always had a secret wish that someone could read my journal...my flashes of genius go unappreciated by anyone but myself!! But even after all that interest in the public option...I chose to make it private. I don't know. I don't want my family to search for my email address and stumble upon it. That might be a bad thing. It would, at the very least, hinder my unbridled honesty as I write.
One would think that a person who maintains three blogs, keeps a journal and is working on two manuscripts as well as articles for publication would really have had enough of expressing herself. Well, it's true that sometimes I get heartily sick of hearing myself - my opinions; my whining; etc etc., but the great thing is that; at those times, I don't have to write as much! NO one is forcing me and unfortunately; no one is PAYING me to write...so if I don't want to--I don't have to. But still,....after talking on the forum; writing a blog or two....and updating my status, there are STILL things I want to reveal or discuss...and they are often things that are not "rated" for the privacy level of blogs or forums. Therefore: the journal!
The real cause of it all is, I think, loneliness and living too much "In my head"...Having all those words bouncing around in my brain gets crowded and confusing and I often feel like they will begin to ooze out of my ears...so I write them instead. I've always done that. Writing for me has taken the edge off of some pretty unmanageable emotions and some unbearably painful experiences...and it really is only a more satisfying way of talking to myself...when there is no one else around to talk to (which is most of the time).
So please excuse me when my blog seem trivial...or when they are more like my trying to psych myself up to doing the program; my self-assessing; or just aimless wandering thought...like this post is. I'm letting you into my head; because I won't let you into my journal!
(p.s: If you are not yet sick of my writing and would actually like to see some more, here is the URL to my "main" blog: www.cynthialottvogel.blo