Coming to Grips with very Bad News
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I have been facing three (related) profound struggles in the past three days. One is that I discovered that my pain meds were the culprit in my lack of sleeping in the past week or two. To test this I went off of both of them...and sure enough; started sleeping again. (slept all of yesterday almost to make up for it)...The meds were still in my system for a couple of days, so,other than my neck, the pain was bearable. Now, today, however the story has gotten much worse on that front. ....It is now brutal. And I know that this, in itself means getting VERY little sleep, due to interruption by pain...So one has to wonder; which is worse: little pain and no sleep? Or MUCH pain and some sleep? If I had a choice, I'd take the former, unfortunately people don't survive for long that way.
So that was one issue. The other is that my methotrexate (the drug I take for Rheumatoid Arthritis) was recalled (glass fragments in the injection bottles), and now because of that, there is such a shortage, that it's unavailable anywhere! This means that I will be soon in very bad shape on that front as well.
I had cervical and lumbar MRIs last week and on Friday at my rheumatologist's I got the results. She looked extremely distressed while reading them and told me, "i've read your reports and looked at the films." She stopped and then struggled with tears. I said, "it's bad. I know." She told me a long list of things that are wrong with my spine...on every level of vertebrae there is severe damage and degeneration...Things that cannot end well. Things that will make my life more of a living hell than it already is. Things I fear. And things that will stress even MY level of tolerance in pain and disabililty. Things that make me pray that God will take me before they happen.
So, out the window went my enthusiasm and determination to exercise.
Out the window went my desire to eat well and track food (actually, out the window went my appetite)...I've spent two days now, struggliing to regain my focus and positive hopes and determination to beat these illnesses. One Spark friend told me to refuse to accept it. To fight...that people have beaten great odds and horrible illnesses just by refusing to give into them. And she's right. I know she is. I need to look at the doc's warning that by continuing to exercise, I risk paralysis quicker, just like I looked at mh pulmonologist's prediction andn warning that any exercise at all will not be tolerated by my lungs. And I ignored it! And resolved to do things my way; using my best intuition and ability to research...and used discretion in how much I do (more discretion than I showed with my hip replacement!)
I cannot lose the beachhead I fought so hard to gain! I must continue to strive. I must remember the MRI tech 's comment and then excitement about my large weight loss (he evidently either recalled it or compared it to past charts) and also my hip surgeon's admiration and exclamation: "You have a whole different look about you. You look like another person!" And I know he was not only referring to my weight loss, but also to my resolve to be healthy and not to walk away from at the first bump in the road (or should I say "another" bump in the road!)
I have to meditate and pray a bit to strenghten my heart and my will in this matter. I have to read some more motivating stories and message boards. And most of all, I need to drag my dragging butt to the exercise mat or to the outside to walk; put on a DVD and GET MOVING!