Much on my mind...
Monday, November 15, 2010
...and none of it good!
I went to my pain management doctor today...it was he who ordered my MRIs of my spine. He looked at them and went over them with me. What a big mess is in there! No way to really take care of it all: the damage is too profuse and some of it, too close to my brain stem to operate on. However there are two areas, one in lumbar and one in cervical spines....which look like they could potentially be improved by surgery. So I will add those two surgeries to my list of "things to do" along with my second hip replacement. This coming winter, following the holidays is when I intend to try to get all of this out of the way...Of course with that many major surgeries in a row, especially when you have health issues like I do; they may want to wait a bit in between them to give me a longer chance to recover so that I will make it through the successive ones.
I am trying to keep my thought-tongue out of the gap in my brain-teeth where all these worries are gathering. No need to dwell on the "what iif's " or even on the problems which really are likely to occur as complications of these surgeries. Worrying about them will not stop them from occurrng. This is one of those "let go and let God" moments. All I need to determine for myself is: can I go on the way I am? And is what I stand to gain, worth these risks? For the first question , the answer is a big fat, "NO!"...And the answer to the second is more complicated. There are several liklihoods as a result of these surgeries that are truly distressing to me --and I need to get more information as to whether or not they are preventable and what the chances of them occuring are before I can answer it. And the problem is that there may be no one who can give me those answers because they necessitate an ability to foretell the future , in order to be able to anwer.
AS far as blowing away an entire year in surgery and recovery...well. I will just have to look at it positiively and prepare for it as best as I can. My husband is gettiing me a Kindle because I've always loved to read and it is becoming more and more difficult to hold and to see a regular book due to the arthritis and failing eyesight. (my birthday is in early December so this will be an early present for that and also Christmas).... I am also planning on finally repairing my laptop. BOY, will I ever be happy to sign onto that and see all my files that I've wished I had access to for so long...All of my writing and pictures for example. I have a book manuscript on there which has been sidelined for all of these months that I am eager to return to work on. Both of those occurrences will make my recovery time more tolerable and useful...If I could finally get that book done, it would be awesome.
The other thing I need to attend to prior to the surgery, is getting an acceptable mask for my BIPAP machine. The one I have is not working...as it falls apart almost everry night in the middle of the night. Need to get working on that problem SOON>
So, this is a time when I am asking God to just pick me up and carry me, because there's no way I can walk through this minefield on my own. And there's also, in my own nature, no way to remain positive in the face of it all. I am just too inclined toward negativity and worry. But God has been workiing on me in this regard...and I think that this will be a big "final exam" to see whether or not I've really learned the lessons he's been teaching me, I DO feel like he snuck the final test in at the end of the first quarter, before I was really prepared for it...but he knows better than me what I am capable of tolerating. And he knows the beginning from the end. I honestly don't know where I will end up....or rather, HOW I will end up. I know WHERE I will end up, and that is in the hands of my Lord. Which is where I already am now...so I don't need to have any worries there. I don't have far to travel!