"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~ Anais Nin
As you can imagine, running in place doesn’t get you very far. It’s like being on a treadmill looking out of a tall glass window and the view is nice, but you never really get there. You’re always inside, looking out.
That’s how I’ve felt since losing 80 lbs. I’ve come to a crossroads and I’m just running in place. It’s like there is an invisible fence that I can’t cross and that fence is built out of fear. It’s not a palpable fear. It’s more like this fear that is buried deep within and it is almost a nameless fear. What could I possibly be afraid of? This is what I wanted, what I’ve worked for. I’m more than halfway to goal and I can admit it now. I’m scared out of my mind. And I don’t know why.
I’ve never lost this much weight. Ever. Maybe it’s a fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s a fear that I won’t recognize myself in the mirror without all of these layers. Or, maybe, and I think this is closer to the truth, maybe I’m afraid of shedding these layers because they’ve protected me for so long.
They’ve protected me from getting close to anyone, including my husband of almost 12 years. They’ve protected me from being social and putting myself in situations where I could get rejected. They’ve protected me from being hurt. I have a past, and I’ve been hurt. And I don’t want to go there again. So now that I’m more than halfway along this journey I have to face this fear. And this fear is important, because it is what has caused me to get here, to this place of being 120 lbs. overweight, obese, in fact. I ate myself to death to comfort myself. Now I feel naked and exposed. I’ve been through some dark things that I won’t write about here. But dark enough that I wanted to turn off the light, pull the covers over my head and sleep my life away. To forget about life. No “do overs” for me, just a curtain call.
Until I woke up. And similar to someone suffocating under blankets, now I am fighting for air.
And I AM a fighter.
I need to come to terms with who I am on the inside, and that yes, I may get hurt. But isn’t that worth it?
Part of it is that maybe I don’t think I can. Maybe this is it for me, the most weight I’ll lose. I’m healthier, yes, but I’m still overweight. For me it isn’t how I look but how I feel and I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods yet. I still want to continue on this journey. Want to become the person I was meant to be.
Lately I'll find that I'll have a great day with food and exercise, and then I calculate in my head how many calories more I can have and still stay within my range. And then I almost always go over that. And to be honest, I’m not really hungry. I feel like I’m just sabotaging myself and it needs to stop.
A person very close to me, so close that I won’t reveal who it was, and this person didn’t mean to be hurtful when they said this, well this person compared me to a person on TV, a person who was fat. They thought they were complimenting me, and saying I had a nice butt and hips, like this person. But this person was obese and I am no longer as big as this person was. So I got upset. I felt like it was a subtle insult. And this person who loves me told me “Come on, you’re never going to be “that” woman, that thin sort of person. You’re always going to be bigger, and that’s fine.”
I can’t tell you that hearing this didn’t bother me or hurt me. It did. I can’t tell you that hearing this didn’t stall me even further, because now I have that voice in my head and I keep hearing that. I look at myself in the mirror, naked, and pinch my fat. My belly fat is the worst. And I hear that voice saying that I will never be more, I will always have this. This person that is supposed to believe in me. This person that loves me no matter what, loves the fat and the curves. But who is anyone to tell me I can’t be more? I know that I won’t ever be a size 6 super model, and I think that’s what this person was trying to tell me. I don’t want to be that. But don’t continue to put me in a box labeled “fat”, because baby, I’m breaking out of that. I’m done with that. I am up to HERE with THAT.
I watched Bee Movie the other night and loved the quote in the beginning.
“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway; because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”
I am going to do what some of my loved ones may think is impossible. Starting NOW.
I’m done with the excuses of Thanksgiving, a date night out and a weekend away. So far in November I’ve broke even with my weight. I’m right back where I started and if things go like this I won’t have lost one lousy pound this month. I ran two 5ks this month, but I have nothing on the scale to show for it.
I’m going to eat mindfully. If I’m not hungry, I’m not going to eat. I’m going to stop playing games with my mind, body and scale of let’s see how much I can eat and still lose weight. I’m DONE with a capital “D”.
And if you know anything about me, I hate it when people try to tell me that I’m not something, or I can’t do something. I will break this plateau and I will get to the weight I’m meant to be and I’m not going to let anyone tell me different.
My WIN Wish is to reach Onederland by New Year’s Eve. Now that is looking bleak, but I’m still going to go for it, and eventually I will get there.
It’s fun proving people wrong, isn’t it?
"if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come."
Become what you already are,
find Him who is already yours,
listen to Him who never ceases speaking to you,
own Him who already owns you’.
~ St Gregory of Sinai (13th Century)