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Running in Place.

Monday, November 29, 2010

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~ Anais Nin

As you can imagine, running in place doesn’t get you very far. It’s like being on a treadmill looking out of a tall glass window and the view is nice, but you never really get there. You’re always inside, looking out.

That’s how I’ve felt since losing 80 lbs. I’ve come to a crossroads and I’m just running in place. It’s like there is an invisible fence that I can’t cross and that fence is built out of fear. It’s not a palpable fear. It’s more like this fear that is buried deep within and it is almost a nameless fear. What could I possibly be afraid of? This is what I wanted, what I’ve worked for. I’m more than halfway to goal and I can admit it now. I’m scared out of my mind. And I don’t know why.

I’ve never lost this much weight. Ever. Maybe it’s a fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s a fear that I won’t recognize myself in the mirror without all of these layers. Or, maybe, and I think this is closer to the truth, maybe I’m afraid of shedding these layers because they’ve protected me for so long.

They’ve protected me from getting close to anyone, including my husband of almost 12 years. They’ve protected me from being social and putting myself in situations where I could get rejected. They’ve protected me from being hurt. I have a past, and I’ve been hurt. And I don’t want to go there again. So now that I’m more than halfway along this journey I have to face this fear. And this fear is important, because it is what has caused me to get here, to this place of being 120 lbs. overweight, obese, in fact. I ate myself to death to comfort myself. Now I feel naked and exposed. I’ve been through some dark things that I won’t write about here. But dark enough that I wanted to turn off the light, pull the covers over my head and sleep my life away. To forget about life. No “do overs” for me, just a curtain call.

Until I woke up. And similar to someone suffocating under blankets, now I am fighting for air.

And I AM a fighter.

I need to come to terms with who I am on the inside, and that yes, I may get hurt. But isn’t that worth it?

Part of it is that maybe I don’t think I can. Maybe this is it for me, the most weight I’ll lose. I’m healthier, yes, but I’m still overweight. For me it isn’t how I look but how I feel and I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods yet. I still want to continue on this journey. Want to become the person I was meant to be.

Lately I'll find that I'll have a great day with food and exercise, and then I calculate in my head how many calories more I can have and still stay within my range. And then I almost always go over that. And to be honest, I’m not really hungry. I feel like I’m just sabotaging myself and it needs to stop.

A person very close to me, so close that I won’t reveal who it was, and this person didn’t mean to be hurtful when they said this, well this person compared me to a person on TV, a person who was fat. They thought they were complimenting me, and saying I had a nice butt and hips, like this person. But this person was obese and I am no longer as big as this person was. So I got upset. I felt like it was a subtle insult. And this person who loves me told me “Come on, you’re never going to be “that” woman, that thin sort of person. You’re always going to be bigger, and that’s fine.”


I can’t tell you that hearing this didn’t bother me or hurt me. It did. I can’t tell you that hearing this didn’t stall me even further, because now I have that voice in my head and I keep hearing that. I look at myself in the mirror, naked, and pinch my fat. My belly fat is the worst. And I hear that voice saying that I will never be more, I will always have this. This person that is supposed to believe in me. This person that loves me no matter what, loves the fat and the curves. But who is anyone to tell me I can’t be more? I know that I won’t ever be a size 6 super model, and I think that’s what this person was trying to tell me. I don’t want to be that. But don’t continue to put me in a box labeled “fat”, because baby, I’m breaking out of that. I’m done with that. I am up to HERE with THAT.

I watched Bee Movie the other night and loved the quote in the beginning.

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway; because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”

I am going to do what some of my loved ones may think is impossible. Starting NOW.

I’m done with the excuses of Thanksgiving, a date night out and a weekend away. So far in November I’ve broke even with my weight. I’m right back where I started and if things go like this I won’t have lost one lousy pound this month. I ran two 5ks this month, but I have nothing on the scale to show for it.

I’m going to eat mindfully. If I’m not hungry, I’m not going to eat. I’m going to stop playing games with my mind, body and scale of let’s see how much I can eat and still lose weight. I’m DONE with a capital “D”.

And if you know anything about me, I hate it when people try to tell me that I’m not something, or I can’t do something. I will break this plateau and I will get to the weight I’m meant to be and I’m not going to let anyone tell me different.

My WIN Wish is to reach Onederland by New Year’s Eve. Now that is looking bleak, but I’m still going to go for it, and eventually I will get there.

It’s fun proving people wrong, isn’t it?

"if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come."

Become what you already are,
find Him who is already yours,
listen to Him who never ceases speaking to you,
own Him who already owns you’.
~ St Gregory of Sinai (13th Century)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Love! I have nothing more. (P.S. We share the same New Year's wish!)
    3589 days ago
    emoticon I don't know if you remember a blog that I wrote that said I was having "death dreams" because to me, dying seems more likely than ever losing all of this weight. It happened to me again on the plane to Germany. I honestly thought we were going to crash - not because I'm afraid of flying, but because I thought, quite honestly, that I'd never be a person who could go to Germany and travel Europe. Like somehow I didn't deserve it, so I couldn't even imagine what it would look or feel like. Kind of like I can't imagine what being thin would look or feel like. I've never experienced it.

    About half way over the ocean I let go and came to terms with the fact that I WAS indeed going to land in Germany, just fine. And now, I'm having an AMAZING trip.

    There is something in us that for whatever reason believes that we're not worth it. We're not worth the trips, we're not worth the money, we're not worth not eating those extra daily calories. Because we've never experienced anything different and the unknown is terrifying and almost unimaginable. But you're half way there. It's time for you to let go of the "death dream" and LIVE :) Cause life on the other side is so darn amazing!
    3589 days ago
    God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and a sound mind (self control). You will do this!!! God bless you, onederland will be here before you know it! Keep up the great work!!!

    3590 days ago
    Fly, sweetheart. No matter what anyone else says... FLY!!
    3590 days ago
  • KROLES55
    Great Blog!
    3590 days ago
    I loved your blog! Also I love your quote off the Bee Movie! You can do this becuase you are that woman! The strong one that keeps pushing no matter what! GO YOU!!
    3591 days ago
    God bless ya Sister!!!! ALL things are possible through CHRIST who strengthens US--lets do this thing together. emoticon
    3591 days ago
    Love your blog. Way to take control of your life and show others that you can change. Congrats on your 2 5K's - that is wonderful. I want to be doing that soon. Stick to your guns and you'll hit your goal.
    3591 days ago
    Great blog!

    You can't lose anymore weight so don't even try!

    There did that help?
    Now you know... I'm using what you say works for you.

    You have achieved so much and no matter what has happened in the past today is a new day. All your dreams and fears are within your control. You've proved that!! Keep running and writing and being the best you you can be. You are so worth it and in the end, the past is just where it belongs...in the past. Love you, Jewell Sometime we'll share...I have a past that I have conquered. Hugs emoticon
    3591 days ago
  • FREES1
    Awesome blog! Thanks for putting some of my feelings into words too... Although I haven't yet lost as much as you have I can understand your feelings. In trying to get healthy we are also trying to lose enough to make up another person, or lose half (or more) of who we are. It is a scary proposition, for sure!!! I think our bodies try some self-preservation to hang onto what they've got!

    It is a shame that a person who supposedly is supporting you and loves you would say such a thing - although maybe too there is a little fear of the unknown there too.. (will you still be the same person, will you still care if you succeed in losing all you want to lose)

    You will prove that person wrong! If you tell yourself, though, that you'll never make it you won't but if you let yourself believe you will then you'll maybe make the size 6 (or smaller although 6 may be too small, depending on a person's frame and other factors) or to where you are satisfied...
    Keep the faith - you'll make it - and we're all here with you!
    3591 days ago
  • EMLG11
    Wow....What a powerful piece. You have it all going for you. You will get there. You just broke through that fence. Now go get em and prove to yourself (not to them) that you can be who you want to be.
    3591 days ago
    Wonderful blog! Thank you for sharing. I think that fear is somewhat natural to the process - as I have lost weight, I have had to find new ways to cope with the issues that used to make me want to eat and veg out on the sofa - anxiety, stress. It is such a learning experience. You have accomplished so much!! Good luck to you as you continue on that health path!
    emoticon *high five*
    3591 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1315172
    Great blog! You can do this! Onderland is shaking in it's boots!
    3591 days ago
  • EMM1116
    You almost made me cry... really. So moving. I know exactly how you feel, I feel like I have hidden behind these layers for so long because they were comfortable and warm and protective. Can't get hurt if nobody gets close!

    Seriously, you are amazing. Think of all you've accomplished, and what lies before you or behind you is ever as powerful as what lies within you, and I know you will get there.

    I am also in the pursuit of ONEderland, and hope I can cheer you on as you achieve it. I know what its like to strive for that moment and that goal, and I KNOW you will get there!
    3591 days ago
    You are so amazing. Those inner battles are so hard sometimes, but it sounds like you are breaking out of that chrysalis. So proud of you!
    3591 days ago
    You maintained so give yourself credit Lotus. You did not gain so therefore you WON!! That is a big battle girlfriend. I immersed myself in your blog tonight and felt the power of what you had to say. I read a very similar "blog" last week in the December issue of Oprah. As you know she is the Queen of losing/gaining/losing and gaining again. She wins like the biggest loser contest in front of millions and then humbly gains it back in front of those same millions of people. (oh, by the way; they still love her) Anyway, the article is titled, "A Weight Off Your Mind" and is definitely a MUST read for you; especially given your painfully honest fears and challenges you face.

    Oprah's article was sparked by Marianne Williamson's new book A Course in Weight Loss; she recommended reading Geneen Roth's Women Food and God first.

    Further within this article is an example of a writing exercise; shared are letters written to "Not so Thin You" from "Thin You".

    You have a beautiful writing style, you intelligently and strongly delve into your heart and emotional issues and you are so ready to take off the fat girl suit. (that is my daughter's label for her weight, the fat girl suit)

    If you could take on this challenge, I wait with anticipation to read your take on it. I think I can move through this process myself in your wake. I just purchased Ms. Roth's book to get started. This year I plan to learn to Let Go and Let God. He delights in us Lotusflower, we delight him. You delight the Lord. That is powerful.
    3591 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/29/2010 9:41:11 PM
  • TEMPEST272002
    What a great blog! I understand that fear you describe and I agree it's something that has to be faced. I'm sorry that your loved one hurt you with their casual comment - but glad your fiesty spirit is using that as motivation to get going again!
    3591 days ago
    Amazing Blog.
    3591 days ago
    You are always an inspiration, Sunny Gal. I love reading your blogs, they always have such a meaningful message. Thanks again for sharing.
    3591 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    Awesome blog! I too have lost 80 pounds, about 1/3 of what I need / want to lose. But I find myself stuck kind of too. Not really sabotaging myself, but wondering why I can't just start dropping pounds again. At least that is how I feel. I will find out December 1! But come on. Let's do this! Let's prove all those people wrong who think we are in this only for the short term (that's my dad who keeps telling me he hopes I keep it up!). Yeah. Let's go. Let's rock this!
    3591 days ago
    Awesome blog. You totally and completely can DO this. Recognizing and facing the inner demons that are feeling exposed by losing weight is the hardest part of the journey, I am convinced. Do it for you and no one else; believe that you can and you will.

    Fight and fly on. You have what it takes.

    3591 days ago
    KARVY, recommended your blog. Always look forward and not back, you are a fighter and do not let others tell you otherwise. Running, moving, getting outside, working out is all accomplishments. Like most that have left you messages, I have added you as a friend. And Sista be very proud !!!!
    3591 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    I also popped over on Karvy09's recommendation.
    To encourage you:
    -Fly little bee! Bees make it possible for us to have flowers and fruit by pollinating the blooms, and of course, they are one of the only sources of real sweetness in life!
    -As tempting as it is to look forward to a certain weight, don't forget to celebrate the other successes! To be able to run a 5K is a real accomplishment! I have been very happy to settle for slower weight loss in order to fuel my body and train for being able to be more active... I even completed a half marathon, which is a minor miracle in itself!
    -I don't know if you were ever thin, but I especially admire people who are becoming who they are capable of being even if they don't have memories of being thin in the past. That's even more inspiring - to walk into a future you never knew before - and I'm sure it will offer even more wonders than you imagined! Positive ones! And you'll be ready for them. So run right through that window and into your future!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3591 days ago
    KARVY09 recommended this blog on my friend feed and I am VERY glad she did....THANK YOU for being so very transparent and sharing your journey, it truly encouraged me. If it's okay with you I would like to add you as a friend.
    3591 days ago
    You've already come so far. I have no doubt that you can reach your goals!

    - Karen
    3591 days ago
    love it. Thanks for such a wonderful blog!!!
    3592 days ago
    Beautiful! You put into words what I have been feeling lately! Go for the gold girl!!!
    3592 days ago
  • WYND10
    Nobody should determine your self worth, even if that person loves you. Fantastic blog. You CAN do this. You can.

    3592 days ago
    I know how you feel.

    You can get wherever you decide to go.
    You can be the supermodel version of YOU.


    (Try not to hate any part of yourself along the way. I know that for me, it's easier to take care of myself if I love my body, fat and all.)
    3592 days ago
    Oh wow...that is tough. YOu are a strong and amazingly beautiful woman and i know that you are going to hit onederland! You are AMAZING!
    3592 days ago
  • KARVY09
    This was a beautiful blog.

    You're more than a certain weight, a certain persona, a certain impression. Here's to being comfortable in our own skin, making our own way.
    3592 days ago
    It is like I wrote it myself... well except for the 80lbs lost... that would be awesome though! :) You have come so far and I am so proud of you. I know we haven't know each other long but I do feel like I have connected with you. I am also currently dealing with people close to me telling me that I can't or I wont... It drives me batty... but we will prove them wrong and more importantly we will prove ourselves wrong... anything we want... we can do it! If you ever need someone to talk to I am here!

    3592 days ago
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