Thursday, December 30, 2010
DJS-Debbie posted a blog today that brought me to tears.
Granted, I've been living in that territory lately. Still, I'm thankful she so honestly shared herself with us. That's one of the many amazing things about Spark. It's as if someone else knows the recesses and roundness of your own heart.
Our Matthew overdosed on heroin and xanax before Christmas. He was clinically dead for 3 min. before they got him back. He told me later with a faltering voice and a sober heart that he went to Hell, that he knew he had to change. Less than 48 hours later, I think, he was using again.
I've not cared much about myself these past weeks. Honestly, I believe God has been/is carrying me. I've been unable to... do much more than go about the business of the bare necessities. No tracking, no extra exercise, no focus on food or sparking. Just survival and gratitude for God's grace, coupled with lapses into the realm of fear.
I was pleasantly surprised this morning to realize that I haven't gained weight, that I even lost a little, that the patterns of just not eating to kill myself actually were in place despite my lack of conscious effort. Oh, I ate. I just didn't feel like impersonating the human trash can I was for too long. I exercised. I just walked instead of really breaking a sweat. I tried to meditate, and followed my fleeting mind bolting, halting, spinning around the wide confines of the universe. I prayed. A lot. I cooked, I ate, I walked. I worked on doing what I could do to change my reaction to a situation that breaks my heart completely. I picked up pieces of me.
I'm still sweeping.
"When we are no longer able to change a situation- we are challenged to change ourselves." -- from Viktor Frankl, is what Debbie posted in her blog. And that sure helped me today as I reflect on this time in 2010. We're works in progress... looking forward to the creation and construction of the lives we choose to live and share here.