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Thursday, December 30, 2010

DJS-Debbie posted a blog today that brought me to tears.

Granted, I've been living in that territory lately. Still, I'm thankful she so honestly shared herself with us. That's one of the many amazing things about Spark. It's as if someone else knows the recesses and roundness of your own heart.

Our Matthew overdosed on heroin and xanax before Christmas. He was clinically dead for 3 min. before they got him back. He told me later with a faltering voice and a sober heart that he went to Hell, that he knew he had to change. Less than 48 hours later, I think, he was using again.

I've not cared much about myself these past weeks. Honestly, I believe God has been/is carrying me. I've been unable to... do much more than go about the business of the bare necessities. No tracking, no extra exercise, no focus on food or sparking. Just survival and gratitude for God's grace, coupled with lapses into the realm of fear.

I was pleasantly surprised this morning to realize that I haven't gained weight, that I even lost a little, that the patterns of just not eating to kill myself actually were in place despite my lack of conscious effort. Oh, I ate. I just didn't feel like impersonating the human trash can I was for too long. I exercised. I just walked instead of really breaking a sweat. I tried to meditate, and followed my fleeting mind bolting, halting, spinning around the wide confines of the universe. I prayed. A lot. I cooked, I ate, I walked. I worked on doing what I could do to change my reaction to a situation that breaks my heart completely. I picked up pieces of me.

I'm still sweeping.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation- we are challenged to change ourselves." -- from Viktor Frankl, is what Debbie posted in her blog. And that sure helped me today as I reflect on this time in 2010. We're works in progress... looking forward to the creation and construction of the lives we choose to live and share here.
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  • ROBINTRACKS
    Wish I had the right words to say --
    Just know that even strangers like myself care and are pulling for you!!

    You're in my thoughts and prayers Robin.

    Take care of yourself.

    -- Robin emoticon
    3520 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    Oh Honey, I had no idea. God Bless you my friend. If every I wanted to hug someone, it would be right this moment.

    Please know I care and do stay in touch.

    Hugs, Sunny
    3525 days ago
  • PEDIPOD
    My heart is with you, too, as you endure this chronic crisis. What an agony. It is wonderful that you had established self-repectful patterns to fall back on to in your most desperate times, including the clarity of your believe in God.
    Looking at your pictures, seeing your babies grow up, with all the love and caring you poured into them, must make the horror of the impact of drug abuse even more tortuous for you. I am glad you allow us to share and try to help! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3526 days ago
  • STILLPOINT
    Robin, I'm terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. Sending positive and healing energy your way. Blessings to you and your family. May Victor Frankl's words help you through.
    3540 days ago
  • TEENY_BIKINI
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    3541 days ago
  • MAIA2011
    Sounds like you have much more important things to think about than weight loss but it is great to see that you have grown to love yourself more and take care of yourself better even under unimaginable stress. We love you, too!

    emoticon
    3545 days ago
  • MAMADWARF
    Sounds like you are doing the best you can in a horrible situation. Lean on God, lean on us, we are here for you. Love you, robin!
    3546 days ago
  • BIGMAMAT
    Love you Robin. emoticon
    3548 days ago
  • KALIGIRL
    My heart goes out to you my friend.
    I marvel at how you deal with a heartbreaking situation with such grace and strength.
    I wish you the very best in the new year and hope you continue to share.
    Namaste
    emoticon
    3549 days ago
  • CHINAGAL
    My heart breaks for the pain that you and Matthew are both going through. Many prayers for a better year in 2011.

    I admire the way you handle life with grace and dignify.

    Happy New Year

    Edna
    3549 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8467616
    Viktor Frankl wrote that during the Holocaust. Imagine having the perspective to even think that way under those conditions.

    The condition in which you find yourself is heart-wrenching. Our instinct as mothers is make everything all right -- but you can't. That, to me, is the pain. The fact that you have enough perspective to even write about it is a testament to your inner strength and goodness.

    I'm still in awe at the WAY you express yourself. This talent of yours will result in something wonderful, I'm sure of that. In the meantime, hang in there!!!!
    emoticon
    3549 days ago
  • TYEASLEY
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    3549 days ago
  • CLAYKEEPER
    Robin..
    You are surrounded by love and good will. Your incredible spirit is available to Matt, and he knows it. Be calm, life is flowing over and around you and yours....
    3549 days ago
  • ELLIEFAR
    Hi Robin,
    You are going through a lot at the moment. Know that I am sending you warm wishes and hugs. Look after yourself and stay the strong woman you are. Much love to you and yours.
    Elaine emoticon emoticon
    3549 days ago
  • VALERIEMAHA
    You are an amazing rainbow-hued spirit...and I love and am impressed by the way you ARE changing yourself, baby-step by baby-step. Keep it up -- surrender and release, renewal and being present for all that is.
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    Maha
    3550 days ago
  • 1GR8FULGAL
    May God keep you & your family in His care, shower you with His grace, peace, love, power, strength and understanding. Take good care and know God and Sparkers are always available to you!! Nancy
    3550 days ago
  • DAISY443
    Robin, you are truly a beautiful work in progress. You carry your sorrows with dignity and courage. There are times when the body and spirit know how to carry on without our conscious effort, like a plane on auto pilot. That may be God's way of protecting us from the things that would destroy us. Remember that we are always here for you and so proud that you feel comfortable sharing with us.
    emoticon
    3550 days ago
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