Sunday, January 02, 2011
I've done it again....Gotten to a new low weight...and begun the feeding frenzy...I'm so afraid to weigh myself. And so wondering where the reality is ...Because I really don't know...For example not yesterday (yesterday I KNOW I went overboard!), but the two days prior...where I FEEL like I totally binged, I carefully tracked everything I put into my mouth...and according to the tracker, I was still in range. Now that is NOT to say that what I ate was GOOD or well balanced. Because it wasn't. It was binge food...but by not eating my normal meals, I managed to stay in range. I KNOW this is not healthy or desirable. And because it was out of control, and consisted of binge food, I FEEL like I consume thousands of extra calories.
Yesterday, I DID go over the top. And I know that really, it wasn't a binge.,..it was only a couple of calories over my lower end of my limits...but it FELT like a binge, so that's all that it takes to send my mind spiraling...
Last night's overnight feeding has continued seamlessly into the wee hours of this morning....(I really wish I could sleep; I'd eat a lot less!)
So this MUST STOP....NOW!!!!
If the numbers on the tracker are right, then I'm not really in scary shape YET....and thank God I've been doing a lot of exercising. So, that really should balance it out. maybe.
(do you hear the desperate attempts to reassure myself...and sense that "self" is NOT BUYING IT???)
OKAY. calm down. BREATHE.
This morning I will do a good (fat-burning) cardio workout. I will shower and don my new size TEN jeans. And try to silence the fears that say that maybe this one pair was mis-marked and it REALLY is a 16! (Are you sensing the insanity here??)
I have this dual awareness. When thoughts like these come to my head, I KNOW - with one part of my brain that they are nuts...but another part is not so sure...maybe they're not. And that doubt is driving me nuts. (More nuts than I already was.)
I always get this way after my eating has slipped out of my control. Enter 15+ years of being anorexic...well, an ACTIVE anorexic....because really I've been an anorexic for over 30 years. And I will be one til I die...I will ALWAYS struggle with thoughts like these...I will ALWAYS need to keep a firm grip of control on my eating to avoid panic...and then over reaction in the opposite direction...or self-retribution....And that is what is truly dangerous...that this fear and self hatred will lead me to respond with a heavy hand toward myself...and then I won't be able to eat anything much. And that is dangerous. And it could so easily happen. It's a breath away at all times. I know it. And I have kept it at bay for the past 18 years...with two notable exceptions when my weight plummeted to lows that pleased me and no one else.
I don't want to go there now.
I want Spark to be a source of help and not hurt to me.
I want it to help me find and maintain health and balance.
So I need to , I think begin temporarily again, to use the meal planner. To make SURE I'm getting balance. And I need to go and shoot my husband for bringing Dunkin ' Donuts and chocolates into the house. (This is part of my problem...because I don't WANT them to be here...I feel compelled to EAT them to dispose of them...because I feel too guilty --and he would kill me-- if I threw them away.
You say, "Just LEAVE them them...and don't eat them. Ignore them!"
Easy for you to say--
--you normal, healthy person , you.
We are NOT dealing with logic here.
NO, I feel the need to consume them in order to dispose of them, even though I don't want them. Even though they make me sick.
So, enough now.
ForGET about the food there on the table.
Think about your exercise routine today.
Plan your menu for the day.
And don't forget to keep breathing....it's always a good idea.