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ED Insanity

Sunday, January 02, 2011

I've done it again....Gotten to a new low weight...and begun the feeding frenzy...I'm so afraid to weigh myself. And so wondering where the reality is ...Because I really don't know...For example not yesterday (yesterday I KNOW I went overboard!), but the two days prior...where I FEEL like I totally binged, I carefully tracked everything I put into my mouth...and according to the tracker, I was still in range. Now that is NOT to say that what I ate was GOOD or well balanced. Because it wasn't. It was binge food...but by not eating my normal meals, I managed to stay in range. I KNOW this is not healthy or desirable. And because it was out of control, and consisted of binge food, I FEEL like I consume thousands of extra calories.

Yesterday, I DID go over the top. And I know that really, it wasn't a binge.,..it was only a couple of calories over my lower end of my limits...but it FELT like a binge, so that's all that it takes to send my mind spiraling...
Last night's overnight feeding has continued seamlessly into the wee hours of this morning....(I really wish I could sleep; I'd eat a lot less!)

So this MUST STOP....NOW!!!!

If the numbers on the tracker are right, then I'm not really in scary shape YET....and thank God I've been doing a lot of exercising. So, that really should balance it out. maybe.

(do you hear the desperate attempts to reassure myself...and sense that "self" is NOT BUYING IT???)

OKAY. calm down. BREATHE.

This morning I will do a good (fat-burning) cardio workout. I will shower and don my new size TEN jeans. And try to silence the fears that say that maybe this one pair was mis-marked and it REALLY is a 16! (Are you sensing the insanity here??)
I have this dual awareness. When thoughts like these come to my head, I KNOW - with one part of my brain that they are nuts...but another part is not so sure...maybe they're not. And that doubt is driving me nuts. (More nuts than I already was.)

I always get this way after my eating has slipped out of my control. Enter 15+ years of being anorexic...well, an ACTIVE anorexic....because really I've been an anorexic for over 30 years. And I will be one til I die...I will ALWAYS struggle with thoughts like these...I will ALWAYS need to keep a firm grip of control on my eating to avoid panic...and then over reaction in the opposite direction...or self-retribution....And that is what is truly dangerous...that this fear and self hatred will lead me to respond with a heavy hand toward myself...and then I won't be able to eat anything much. And that is dangerous. And it could so easily happen. It's a breath away at all times. I know it. And I have kept it at bay for the past 18 years...with two notable exceptions when my weight plummeted to lows that pleased me and no one else.

I don't want to go there now.
I want Spark to be a source of help and not hurt to me.
I want it to help me find and maintain health and balance.
So I need to , I think begin temporarily again, to use the meal planner. To make SURE I'm getting balance. And I need to go and shoot my husband for bringing Dunkin ' Donuts and chocolates into the house. (This is part of my problem...because I don't WANT them to be here...I feel compelled to EAT them to dispose of them...because I feel too guilty --and he would kill me-- if I threw them away.

You say, "Just LEAVE them them...and don't eat them. Ignore them!"
Easy for you to say--
--you normal, healthy person , you.
We are NOT dealing with logic here.
NO, I feel the need to consume them in order to dispose of them, even though I don't want them. Even though they make me sick.

So, enough now.
Deep breath.
ForGET about the food there on the table.
Think about your exercise routine today.
Plan your menu for the day.

And don't forget to keep breathing....it's always a good idea.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just for the record - whenever I hit a new low weight, my body also fought it with an eating binge. I just did the best I could and after reaching the new lower weight about 3 times, my body would accept it.

    "Can't fight City Hall".

    3549 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    All things considered, and your honest clear interpretation of the situation, I agree that moving to a planned meal program would be to your advantage right now. I know how knowledge driven you are so recommend you go to the Mayo Clinic site and research treatment for this difficult disease. Mental is where you go off base when you react 'normally' to a desire to eat. All of us, in varying degrees, binge at times. Bingeing is not born or grown as a result of perception. Its a hard and fast absolute. More calories in than calories out; calories from consistently 'unhealthy' choices. Its a 2 edged sword and when 1 edge is missing then the other becomes dulled because you're using it to beat yourself up. Try on those size 10 jeans or that skirt that looks and feels so 'hot'. You need to take whatever opportunity you can to confirm you are not 'in trouble' with your weight.

    Donuts are not a food from hell! The person who brings in more than he can consume is creating an unnecessary temptation. Pour water or used tea leaves on them. Then they're eligible for trash. Do it! You need a little help and that will be one.

    You know healthy foods. Why, you even enjoy them to the max. Either use the meal planner or develop your own (which you should enjoy doing) and stick to it. Keep all foods in the kitchen and stay out of there when its not meal time. For the time being, I think it needs to be off limits!

    Best of luck. I know you! You'll overcome this latest issue. To put it succinctly... you are not a 'bad' person, so stop beating yourself up as though you were. Hell's bells, even your actions are just plain 'normal' and can be adjusted by will alone. You go girl! I believe in you! Now you believe too!


    3549 days ago
    Because I had other, more serious, psychiatric diagnoses and issues going on at the time of my actively dangerous pursuit of weight loss, the whole food matter got relatively overlooked...also, you must realize that this was over thirty years ago, when anorexia was just beginning to be recognized as an illness ...There really was no therapy or treatment plan other than force feeding through an NG tube when the situation got too dangerous...So my issues with food and all that surrounds it were ignored. Now my daughter also suffers from ED (turns out it is genetically transmitted...) and has already been hospitalized for it once. She's gotten more treatment for it than I ever have...as she should ...she's got her whole life ahead of her and my issues are no longer posing a real health threat.

    therapy, unfortunately is not an option now...I have way too many other more pressing medical needs and expenses and there's just no way even to pay the $25 copay 2 or 4 times a month.

    I will rein myself in...I'm sure. Hopefully before I gain any more weight and will then use the trackers to make sure my calorie levels are all where they should be. I find them very helpful..because, as I expressed here, how I THINK I am doing is often not realistic or reliable. They give me hard and fast information that I have to believe over what my emotions are telling me. And this has helped me numerous times.

    Thank you for your concern...each of you.
    I will be fine...I've managed for thirty years...granted, in varying states of wellness or sickness, but I'm still alive which is quite amazing considering my extremely low weight for over 15 years of that time. I really am much more well adjusted than I probably should be considering all that. It's just something that plays its annoying "tapes" in my mind which disturb me sometimes more than others, depending on how I've been eating. Last night was a bad night...and maybe today is still a bad day...But I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

    3549 days ago
    Got to agree with Nancy. Maybe you do need some serious counseling, not only to do deal with your relationship with food, but also with your emotions over your diagnosis and future..Its pretty major league depressing and is enough to make anyone go over the edge and lose control.
    Always will be here for you, shoulder to cry on, a good vent, whatever..
    Big Hugs,
    3549 days ago
  • NANAMOM652009
    Your blog touched my heart. I am desperately trying to LOSE weight and you are just as desperately trying to NOT lose. Wish I had words to help you. Just Hang in there and trust God to help you--not do it for you but help support you in your efforts. emoticon
    3550 days ago
    KEEP BREATHING - for sure - Good Luck - wish I knew some comforting words to share about now
    I can offer Big Hugs
    3550 days ago
    Cynthia, did you get therapy for your anorexia? If so are you using the tools you learned? If not, maybe it's time.

    It's taken me a LONG time to throw good food away - even if they're donuts. Usually, I don't. But I've managed not to bring them into the house. And my partner is working on his weight so he's not bringing junk inot the house now either. Can you tell your husband not to buy them? If he wants a donut, just go to Dunkin Donuts, buy one and eat it with a cup of coffee.

    The simple message in losing weight is calories out must be greater than calories in. I know it's not healthy, but we CAN lose weight eating candy bars as long as we burn more calories than are in the candy bars. So keep tracking your calories, healthy and unhealthy, and try to move more to burn them up.

    3550 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/2/2011 8:02:52 AM
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