Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I have been leveled by pain for the past four days. My back and neck have invented new levels of "10"....and all I've been able to do is to sit in my recliner or lie in my hospital bed. I'd recently arrived at the "sweet spot" in my exercise regimen and am now completely frustrated with my inability to work out...And since today is (maybe) a tad bit better, I've been debating with myself about whether or not it would be insanity for me to try to do something down in my "gym." Yesterday, I did the 10 minute video from the Bootcamp...and regretted it instantly...I was completely hobbled for the rest of the day....but nonetheless, (insane person that I am) congratulated myself on pulling it off, even at such a high price. Today's video is the day 1 cardio workout again, which I KNOW I cannot even attempt...One second of jumping around and I'd be a quad for life, I'm sure.
So, here's the scoop: no real working out (aside from one day of Leslie S and two days of bootcamp videos) in the past ...four? Five?? days-- added to over a week of stuffing my face because of the steroids in my system from the epidural. This effect is BEGINNING to be on the way out, I think and so I'm praying that I can show it the door very soon. Those times of steroid feeding frenzies always terrify me. I'm always afraid that that desperate need to EAT is not from the steroids but is from my own undisciplined run-away appetite and that it is here to stay...and I wont' stop until I weigh 500 pounds. I guess that' s the control-freak anorexic in me speaking up and voicing her fears. Whatever (whomever) it is: it makes the whole situation even harder to endure.
I need to really face the fact that it is quite possible that my days of real exercise may be drawing to a close....at least temporarily until my hip surgery is done and my back calms down once more (if it will...)...And facing this fact means that I need to adjust my calorie intake accordingly. Or maybe, maybe I'm just panicking and should push through this barrier...I really don't know. I want to regain and retain the "never say die" attitude I had before...I want to once more think of myself as strong and fit and not like I will break if I make a wrong move (which I suspect MAY be the more realistic of the two views...but one can never be sure of how much positive energy is a good thing and how much is just foolhardy.)
I wish God would answer from heaven in an audible voice and tell me what to do. Do I follow my desire to be well? My body's "suggestions"? (My fear with this option is that I will misinterpret them either due to enthusiasm or fear.) Caution? And when does caution become fear??
And maybe all the caution in the world can't save me from what the future holds for me. This is probably very true...it can maybe postpone, but it cannot avert what is happening in my spine. Do I go for the gusto and live with abandon while I can?? CAN I , even now, pull this off??
I know...too many unanswerable questions.
I've generally been a person who jumps in with two feet. Not without fear. But I tend to despise hesitancy and trepidation. I don't like doing anything half way. Compromise is not in my vocabulary (thus, I have one ruined hip replacement in me that now may need to be corrected...all because I was too impatient to be cautious...) That's me. black or white, all or nothing. I know that if I do not resume my ambitious programme, I will quit altogether and probably would soon be bedridden anyway...by decay rather than courage. I think I just answered my own question. I know that to be true...and I want to go out with both guns blazing.
(the following edit was added after attempting to move about even normally and go up and down the stairs once.)
OK, I confess. I admit it.
My body is worthless...at least for now...