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Completely Clueless

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I have been leveled by pain for the past four days. My back and neck have invented new levels of "10"....and all I've been able to do is to sit in my recliner or lie in my hospital bed. I'd recently arrived at the "sweet spot" in my exercise regimen and am now completely frustrated with my inability to work out...And since today is (maybe) a tad bit better, I've been debating with myself about whether or not it would be insanity for me to try to do something down in my "gym." Yesterday, I did the 10 minute video from the Bootcamp...and regretted it instantly...I was completely hobbled for the rest of the day....but nonetheless, (insane person that I am) congratulated myself on pulling it off, even at such a high price. Today's video is the day 1 cardio workout again, which I KNOW I cannot even attempt...One second of jumping around and I'd be a quad for life, I'm sure.

So, here's the scoop: no real working out (aside from one day of Leslie S and two days of bootcamp videos) in the past ...four? Five?? days-- added to over a week of stuffing my face because of the steroids in my system from the epidural. This effect is BEGINNING to be on the way out, I think and so I'm praying that I can show it the door very soon. Those times of steroid feeding frenzies always terrify me. I'm always afraid that that desperate need to EAT is not from the steroids but is from my own undisciplined run-away appetite and that it is here to stay...and I wont' stop until I weigh 500 pounds. I guess that' s the control-freak anorexic in me speaking up and voicing her fears. Whatever (whomever) it is: it makes the whole situation even harder to endure.

I need to really face the fact that it is quite possible that my days of real exercise may be drawing to a close....at least temporarily until my hip surgery is done and my back calms down once more (if it will...)...And facing this fact means that I need to adjust my calorie intake accordingly. Or maybe, maybe I'm just panicking and should push through this barrier...I really don't know. I want to regain and retain the "never say die" attitude I had before...I want to once more think of myself as strong and fit and not like I will break if I make a wrong move (which I suspect MAY be the more realistic of the two views...but one can never be sure of how much positive energy is a good thing and how much is just foolhardy.)

I wish God would answer from heaven in an audible voice and tell me what to do. Do I follow my desire to be well? My body's "suggestions"? (My fear with this option is that I will misinterpret them either due to enthusiasm or fear.) Caution? And when does caution become fear??

And maybe all the caution in the world can't save me from what the future holds for me. This is probably very true...it can maybe postpone, but it cannot avert what is happening in my spine. Do I go for the gusto and live with abandon while I can?? CAN I , even now, pull this off??

I know...too many unanswerable questions.

I've generally been a person who jumps in with two feet. Not without fear. But I tend to despise hesitancy and trepidation. I don't like doing anything half way. Compromise is not in my vocabulary (thus, I have one ruined hip replacement in me that now may need to be corrected...all because I was too impatient to be cautious...) That's me. black or white, all or nothing. I know that if I do not resume my ambitious programme, I will quit altogether and probably would soon be bedridden anyway...by decay rather than courage. I think I just answered my own question. I know that to be true...and I want to go out with both guns blazing.

(the following edit was added after attempting to move about even normally and go up and down the stairs once.)

OK, I confess. I admit it.
UNCLE

My body is worthless...at least for now...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ABERLAINE
    Pain is your body's way of saying, Stop! Listen to it, rest for a few days, then maybe you can bring out those guns again.
    3537 days ago
  • CONTENTCHRIS
    I have to agree listen to your body it is telling you something. Pain is pain and you got to take care.
    I felt some pain from shoveling our drive for the wife while she was asleep before work yesterday so this a.m. when I awoke to some pain in my ankle and leg I decided to not do my regular and take it easy for the day. We have to take time when we have too. emoticon
    3538 days ago
  • MOM2ACAT
    I have chronic pain issues, and it was hard for me to admit to myself that I can't do what I use to when it comes to fitness. I am getting better at listening to my body and not pushing myself past my limits, but there are still some days I overdo it. I have to remember that I am only competing with myself, and not to compare what I am capable off to what others are doing.
    3538 days ago
  • CUPBUTTER
    Good for you I like both guns blazing. I want to do the same. Maybe water exercise would help you. My DD has arthritis quite bad and the water exercise helps her. I do exercises (Denise Austin) 3 time a week. That is all my body can take but I do them. Good luck to you. Get you hip fixed and get going. Barbara
    3538 days ago
  • LUNADRAGON
    Rest your body, do what you can do, be gentle with yourself. All these things I tell myself every day. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there count for something.
    Many many prayers, and lots of hugs, Cynthia!
    emoticon
    3538 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    I agree with the ladies!!
    You have to exercise in the capabilities of your body.
    IE perhaps chair exercises! and most likly reduce your calorie intake ..
    Your body is not worthless .
    I think it is telling you to look after it!
    As you have already said yourself... You tend to do to much.
    What your body is obviously telling you.....
    You can no longer do it! .....
    For now!!.
    Hugs Susie
    3538 days ago
  • NEELIXNKES
    Hang in there. I hope that this pain eases soon. I agree with previous poster... look around and see what you can do. Even if you can only walk in 5 minute intervals it is better than sitting in the recliner all day. Maybe check out some seated exercise programs like "Sit and Be Fit" or there is a book called "Get Fit While You Sit". Both of these may offer you some ideas so that you don't feel like you are giving in completely. Overexerting though when in the throes of a pain flare doesn't sound like a good idea. Exercise is important but food intake is far more important to losing the actual pounds.
    emoticon
    3538 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    Somehow it looks like I've read a different blog than everybody else, but I'm gonna respond to the one where you posed the unanswerable questions about getting exercise. Pain is a reminder that there are limitations. Considering how and what you've accomplished within the past year I think its important for you to recognize that this is not necessarily the 'end' of your healthy and able self. You are simply in limitation mode. Pain ...what an unkind partner. My heart broke for you when you edited with 'Uncle'. Now is the time to take the energy that is within and put it to good use. Don't try and do what you can't. Look around and see what you CAN! Not easy, but a relief when you realize you are still capABLE. How about the apples? Can you do a few of those? Not the whole batch at once, but a few after this wave of pain releases you from its tenacles.

    Hugs dear friend - wish I were there to buddy up in this frustrating time.

    vicki

    3538 days ago
  • WETMAC
    Cynthia, if i was in your situation I would definitely consider giving up certain exercises until after your hip replacement surgery. Afterwards you are bound to go through a period of rehabilitation and will start exercising then but probably under supervision. That way you can build yourself up again gradulally.

    My answer would be to cut the calorie intake and only exercise the upper body if you can manage it. Do not push yourself too hard and only exercise when you feel it is safe to do so.

    at the end of the day, you know what your body is capable of and how it will react if you do decide to push things.

    You have a hard decision to make but this is just my opinion. I had a patch when dieting in which I had to do exactly what I suggest. I could not physically manage any form of exercise without setting myself off into spasm so fro a period of four months in total I had to almost go without exercise. I slowly started again after I managed to get my body under control, (won't go into detail on that), and built myself back up again slowly.

    It is entirely your decision as to what course of action to take but I urge you always err on the side of caution right now and see how you get on until after you have had that hip sorted.

    emoticon

    Mac
    3538 days ago
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