Derailed by Illness
Sunday, January 23, 2011
It's a long story...actually about one which was months in the unfolding...but suffice it to say that I'd discovered a mass in my abdomen which has been getting larger and about six weeks ago I began to hemorrhage. And in the past two weeks the hemorrhaging had become severe and life-threatening.
So now, I am in the midst of tests to determine if I have uterine - or more likely- am in the late stages of ovarian cancer. I have also other symptoms which would seem to fall into line with that possibility. Because there is no definitive way of identifying ovarian cancer, short of surgery, they are ruling out all the other possible causes for my symptoms...but the cancer in question is the only illness which would explain all of them together.
My surgery on my hip is still on track for Monday the first of February...barring any bad reports from bloodwork or on the chest Xray etc. My pretesting for surgery is this coming Thursday. So that will really determine what happens.
Obviously between the hip and the hemorrhaging, I've had to stop exercising for a while...for a bit i was doing dumbbell upper body work despite the hip but when I became too weak from blood loss to continue and I had to suspend that as well.
I"d also stopped tracking food because for the past week or so have had very little appetite...I have eaten a few things yesterday (ICE CREAM!!)...so am considering beginning to track again.
In a week or two of steroid hunger, I'd gained about4 pounds...which I've now lost...and am back at the number at which I seem to be stuck like glue: 160. Well, I guess it could be worse.
The GYN doctor has put me on two weeks of progesterone to control the bleeding enough so that my hip surgery could be done...although she did warn me that it may well return after the two weeks....hopefully it won't be the Niagra Falls variety of bleeding I WAS experiencing this past week.
Because I will only be status post one week of the surgery when I finish the progesterone and won't be able to physically LIVE in the bathroom like I was...I'm not sure logistically speaking how that would work. But we shall see...Maybe it won't come back!
As far as "dealing with" all of this, I really am okay. You have to really realize two things in order to understand where I'm at with this. I know the One who I believe is able to deliver me from this...either by healing me through doctors, miraculously via the prayers being offered for me, or to take me to the place where my real life will begin. This life may well continue on in its next phase in that other place...and that is really really okay with me for two reasons...One is that I long so much to see the Lover of my Soul and also to cease from the suffering of this world...
And that brings me to reason number two that I'm okay.
My life has been a bizarre series of medical catastrophes - literally from birth. And obviously all of this has made me familiar with pain and limitation...(I also have been much like the Energizer Bunny..."takes a licking and keeps on ticking"). And this suffering and pain has escalated in the past years until my life has been very very limited...I can no longer drive nor tolerate straying far from my bed or recliner due to the severe pain I'm always in . I'm very immune or resistant to every pain relief measure so there is literally nowhere to run from my pain.
So honestly, the knowledge that maybe I am dying is really and truly not a frightening or even distressful thought to me. I know I will get flack for this...be told that I'm "not fighting," that I'm "caving in"...but you know what? My whole life has been a fight to survive. Almost 50 years of it. It is a true miracle that I have come this far...and if God wants me to beat this too, then that is what will happen...but if he says, "OK, it's Time" then I will not walk, but RUN into his arms. So think what you want and say what you want. None of us are immortal in this world...these are temporary bodies we wear...and my poor body has been through the mill --frankly it may be about ready for a trade in!!
And I'm so ready for that.