Thursday, January 27, 2011
It all began to deteriorate with a dislocated hip a week or so ago,...add to that a major hemorrhage, and I was not up to exercise of any kind. Then came all of the cancer testing and doubt that accompanies that kind of thing and a week or two of endless treks from one appointment to another test and back. And the upshot of it all, other than complete exhaustion is that I've been anxiety eating...even though my stomach feels very sick when I eat...feels full after two bites of anything, my night time eating has been compulsive and ridiculous.
I've been extremely discouraged by the fact that, once more, I'm in this massive brace to keep my hip in place....Surgery is scheduled for five days from now...I got weighed in the pre-surgical testing yesterday on one of those wheelchair scales at the hospital (I was standing, without my brace, with shoes and clothes on and it was midday.) I was HORRIFIED to see the digital number in the 170's!! I haven't been that heavy in many months!! I was in such a panic to see the "7" that I did not even note the other number...I think it was something like 172...so given all the other factors of clothes, full bladder, and midday-ness.....I still may be in the 160's in reality...but STILLLLL, I'd never ever wanted to see that number again! Just the other day at the doc's office I weighed 165, so what the heck happened??? I honestly could cry.
I've been thinking about the fact that less than three weeks ago, I was an exercise machine! I was loving it. Exercising for close to an hour a day...feeling strong and thin, and had diminished to another pants size. And then two little crises and suddenly here I am feeling all helpless and have lost every bit of empowerment and motivation that I'd had. Not being able to exercise has caused me to despair...and instead of trying to do SOMETHING, I've been stuffing my face in despair...this after a week of hardly eating anything ! What is going on?? Why this change in mindset??
Excuse me, but my "self"and I are going to have a little "talk" and since you are already here, you may stay and listen on.
I know what the deal is and so do you really. You've had such an awful medical history...so many years of life -threatening illness, that now that illness once more looms on the horizon, you've fallen right back into that helpless "patient" mindset. The mindset that says, "I'm sick and I am a victim; there is nothing I can do to help myself, so I might as well comfort myself and eat everything that I get my hands on."
Enough of that crap!!
You've worked HARD to overcome that very pit...and to lose the 80 pounds it had packed onto your butt!! (still had 20-30 pounds to go)
You made a weak body strong. You did what doctors said was impossible.
And now, at the first sign of trouble, you are going to turn tail and fall back into those attitudes??
That is a cop-out.
And I for one, am not going to allow it.
So tell me, why exactly can't you do, say a Leslie Sansone video now?? You can wear your brace. you know what movements to avoid....just alter it. But there's no reason you can't do it. You are pretty well recovered from the blood loss...True,the breathing hasn't been good again, but you and I both know why. The only way you've been able to control your asthma is by pushing through it and working hard until you were able to expand your lung capacity...and now, through inactivity, it is closing up on you once again. Well, you KNOW what to do about it...so why aren't you doing it.
And you have Egor, the Ergometer here...what is keeping you from doing cardio on that?
And you have your dumbbells and resistance bands...you mean to tell me you can't use them anymore???
My dear, I love you, but you are copping out, wimping out, turning tail and running, and falling into a deep deep pit from which there may be no crawling out next time. You KNOW that the only thing that has kept you out of the hospital since last May is your determination to be strong and your refusal to allow your body to get sick.
So, THIS is going to throw you right off the ship, huh??? You are going to sink to those depths again??
YES, you have a messed up, sick body...You always have. But that does not mean that you can't push that body to be the best that it can be and that you can't maintain a survivor's mentality...the rugged determination of someone stranded on a desert island who is DETERMINED to survive and to get off of it....You'd demonstrated this past year that you have it in you. Time to dig deep, put aside all of the fears of mind and the weaknesses of body and once more be an overcomer.
NO, you couldn't have exercised last week. But this week you really CAN. Next week, after Tuesday, PT will be all you can do....but you must fight to maintain the get-me-out-of-this-hospital-go
t-to-get-well-quick attitude that you are going to need to get out of there alive. Think of yourself as an athlete in training who is sidelined by an injury...they don't give up their whole career because of it and give up their 'in-training' lifestyle...NO! They take care of their bodies...eat well, do PT and get back on the track or field as soon as they possibly can.
And you know that this really IS a fight for your life. You have so many things wrong with you and so many predispositions to major infection and the like, show one little sign of weakness and in that crap will march and once more, you'll be sunk.
Remember your mantra??
So what are you waiting for??
Written later...(I have an odd sense of deja vu. I think I wrote the very same idea in an earlier blog.)
I give in.
This body hurts like heck.
It's exhausted....I wish I knew if it needs to be pushed or rested....
I kind of think I have very little choice.