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The Beast

Monday, January 31, 2011

I have some dreams.
And I'm not sure if I could/should turn them into goals....Well, actually they already ARE goals of sorts. At least two of the three are.

The first, and most obvious is to lose this last STUBBORN thirty pounds. Hey, right now, I would even be ecstatic with losing twenty. I've been stuck -losing and then regaining the same 5 pounds over ...and over....and over....and over since JULY ...and I can't get my weight to budge below 160 (well, I've gotten to 157 or 8 once or twice , briefly) ...But I need to make a significant move beyond that stubborn point.

I've tried exercising it away...and was on a roll when my %$%$^ hip popped out of the socket again...then came the hemorrhage, then came the critical sodium level, and then will be a hip revision surgery this Tuesday...and six weeks later will be the replacement of the OTHER hip. So; it looks like for all intensive purposes, exercise will only play a minor role in the next few months.

NOPE...the only way to really lose this weight is to SHUT MY MOUTH and stop binging every night. I mean, here I am in the hospital, with nothing to eat tonight...and I'm surviving...without difficulty...Is it my environment? habit? Possibly...Maybe this time in hospital and then in either rehab or nursing home will give me the opportunity to develop new habits...and to break the associations I have of my home and kitchen at night.

But I am wandering.

My other goal, which I intend to pursue is to attend a college program online, to learn numerous theories of nutrition and to receive a certification as a Health Coach. This would open avenues of employment...and who knows, maybe I could once again have a life?? Plus it would enable me to heal myself of poor eating habits, to learn what my body really needs and would thrive on,...and hopefully to regain some health so that a career is a real and feasible option. I'm only 48...and I've flirted with the depression which I know would just love to HAVE me...to suck the very life from my body and soul...at the thought of me really, for all practical purposes, ending my life as far as being useful or productive...I'm WAY too young to retire and spend the rest of my lifetime sitting in my recliner! So this is a step. A move in the direction of purpose and hope.

And the third goal...maybe in a sense , the least practical and feasible,would be to take swimming lessons...yeah,me, "Ms MiddleAged Terrified of the Water." I watched my daughter take class after class, sat in the bleachers and envied my little kindergarten through sixth grader, as she moved up the ranks of difficulty and even joined the swimteam... And I wanted to scream when she quit because she found the workouts to be too tough....I was JEALOUS of the opportunity I'd given her.

I'd always wanted to swim. I had a whole one day of swimming instruction in my entire life. And I can make it for a short distance without sinking...But cannot convince myself to stick my face in the water and learn to breathe like a swimmer. Actually, I need to buy a pair of goggles, go to the pool (convince a friend to take me to one) and just focus and teach myself. I mean I watched; Absorbed those lessons my daughter got...Just never pushed myself to practice the skills. And I bet I could....

And I know right off hand several people who are excellent swimmers. I'll bet they would be glad to help.

Because everyone tells me that it's the best cardio workout you can get alongside running...but without the stress and impact to the body. Having severe arthritic disease, I need something like that...And two artificial hips should not be a detriment in any way...

Okay guys, NOW I'm getting psyched. I want to run to the store and buy my gear so I can finger it longingly...just like the beautiful brand new pair of Sarcone cross trainers I have at home, waiting for me to complete all the surgery...so my feet do not wear the shoes unevenly and wreck them. I've been zealous to guard and not to use them until I can DO IT RIGHT!!

I'm also a bit trepidatious about a shoulder that I suspect VERY soon needs to be replaced as well. That will really ruin my plans for this summer, wouldn't it?
And I get discouraged and ask myself, "When will it end? When every joint is replaced or fused?" When I finally give up and sit in a wheelchair??

But no, there is that depression beast breathing its hot breath on my neck again....
NO, no, think of something good ; something positive. Like how I've made it through all last fall and this winter (thus far) without a single asthma admission to the hospital. That would be, by far, the first time in over ten years that I did not spend the MAJORITY of those two seasons, parked in a hospital bed gasping into a tube....

Think of the 60 pounds lost.
Think of the fact that, everything considered, I am in the best shape I've been in physically in terms of strength and stamina since I was about 14. NO joke. NO exaggeration.
That's saying something, right??

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Well 1st off I like your positive attitude and think your Awesome!

    The weight will come off and eating right in the hospital can be your jump start to making the habit of not binging when you get home. As a binger myself I think tracking or even blogging about your journey daily has helped me. I also have to login and change my blog to adjust for the over eating. Yes only me and a few nice friends read it, but it makes me feel just a tad more accountable. Sometimes a tad is all we need.. Other times we will lose a battle but that isn't the war!

    I think it is funny how much alike we are in so many ways. You speak of going back to school. I also plan on doing the same , once we get settled a little more within 3 to 5 years I hope to go back to school and get my degree as a chef. By the time I am finished my kids will be all grown and the wife and I will be able to work on a cruise ship together. My sister was looking into the chef thing and filled me in on how they pay well and you get to sail around the world and such. My wife being a RN would also probably fill a role as well. Part time of course for us both. So I say go for your dreams! What would you do if you KNEW you could not fail? WELL Go for IT!

    Thank you for motivating me today! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3519 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    Why, oh why do we bow to the 'god' scale? What is it about that little mechanical box that gives it power over us. The numbers matter not a whit! Its all about trends so continue to trend toward healthy and the scale will come along.

    I love the idea of your taking up swimming. You would be an awesome swimmer and the effects of that exercise would have far less of a negative impact on your body. Imagine yourself a dolphin gliding through the water and being svelte. Never saw a flabby dolphin!

    Education - a career path. An opportunity to live a life beyond the recliner. You have my support for this one. I've no doubt you will be excellent in your chosen field. Nutrition is something none of us know too much about. I'm looking forward to your accomplishment. After all, I can come to you for direction and instruction and inspiration. Kind of like I already do.

    hugs - vicki
    3519 days ago
    Your plans are exciting. And doable. And taking steps towards achieving them will terrify that beast, send him slinking away!!
    3520 days ago
    Slay that beast! Water is so much fun, too!
    3520 days ago
    Cynthia, I am so psyched that here you are in the hospital, and you are expressing so positively your dreams! The weight - keep chipping at it, you are a work in progress. Right now your job is to HEAL!
    School - that is awesome - I was 48 when I returned to get my Master's degree - and graduated with the degree at the age of 50!
    Swimming! Yes, take lessons. Get over that fear. That will probably be the best exercise because it is low impact on your joints, but is amazing. You CAN do this my dear friend. Love ya! My prayers are ongoing. Keep on getting better, Let the doctor's do their amazing job, and you follow along!
    3520 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Sounds like a great plan my friend go for it !
    You have now been given the chance to lose the rest of those pound you want too.
    by being in hospital .
    Sounds funny doesn't it! but in a way it is a positive. Ithink the idea of di=oing a course is great! will open up a whole new era for you ... you can study whilst in hospital with your lappy ... and as you have another op coming up in a few weeks time .....will have plenty of time to study!! I like it !! youare sounding so positive ... I am happy for you !
    3520 days ago
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