Monday, January 31, 2011
I have some dreams.
And I'm not sure if I could/should turn them into goals....Well, actually they already ARE goals of sorts. At least two of the three are.
The first, and most obvious is to lose this last STUBBORN thirty pounds. Hey, right now, I would even be ecstatic with losing twenty. I've been stuck -losing and then regaining the same 5 pounds over ...and over....and over....and over since JULY ...and I can't get my weight to budge below 160 (well, I've gotten to 157 or 8 once or twice , briefly) ...But I need to make a significant move beyond that stubborn point.
I've tried exercising it away...and was on a roll when my %$%$^ hip popped out of the socket again...then came the hemorrhage, then came the critical sodium level, and then will be a hip revision surgery this Tuesday...and six weeks later will be the replacement of the OTHER hip. So; it looks like for all intensive purposes, exercise will only play a minor role in the next few months.
NOPE...the only way to really lose this weight is to SHUT MY MOUTH and stop binging every night. I mean, here I am in the hospital, with nothing to eat tonight...and I'm surviving...without difficulty...Is it my environment? habit? Possibly...Maybe this time in hospital and then in either rehab or nursing home will give me the opportunity to develop new habits...and to break the associations I have of my home and kitchen at night.
But I am wandering.
My other goal, which I intend to pursue is to attend a college program online, to learn numerous theories of nutrition and to receive a certification as a Health Coach. This would open avenues of employment...and who knows, maybe I could once again have a life?? Plus it would enable me to heal myself of poor eating habits, to learn what my body really needs and would thrive on,...and hopefully to regain some health so that a career is a real and feasible option. I'm only 48...and I've flirted with the depression which I know would just love to HAVE me...to suck the very life from my body and soul...at the thought of me really, for all practical purposes, ending my life as far as being useful or productive...I'm WAY too young to retire and spend the rest of my lifetime sitting in my recliner! So this is a step. A move in the direction of purpose and hope.
And the third goal...maybe in a sense , the least practical and feasible,would be to take swimming lessons...yeah,me, "Ms MiddleAged Terrified of the Water." I watched my daughter take class after class, sat in the bleachers and envied my little kindergarten through sixth grader, as she moved up the ranks of difficulty and even joined the swimteam... And I wanted to scream when she quit because she found the workouts to be too tough....I was JEALOUS of the opportunity I'd given her.
I'd always wanted to swim. I had a whole one day of swimming instruction in my entire life. And I can make it for a short distance without sinking...But cannot convince myself to stick my face in the water and learn to breathe like a swimmer. Actually, I need to buy a pair of goggles, go to the pool (convince a friend to take me to one) and just focus and teach myself. I mean I watched; Absorbed those lessons my daughter got...Just never pushed myself to practice the skills. And I bet I could....
And I know right off hand several people who are excellent swimmers. I'll bet they would be glad to help.
Because everyone tells me that it's the best cardio workout you can get alongside running...but without the stress and impact to the body. Having severe arthritic disease, I need something like that...And two artificial hips should not be a detriment in any way...
Okay guys, NOW I'm getting psyched. I want to run to the store and buy my gear so I can finger it longingly...just like the beautiful brand new pair of Sarcone cross trainers I have at home, waiting for me to complete all the surgery...so my feet do not wear the shoes unevenly and wreck them. I've been zealous to guard and not to use them until I can DO IT RIGHT!!
I'm also a bit trepidatious about a shoulder that I suspect VERY soon needs to be replaced as well. That will really ruin my plans for this summer, wouldn't it?
And I get discouraged and ask myself, "When will it end? When every joint is replaced or fused?" When I finally give up and sit in a wheelchair??
But no, there is that depression beast breathing its hot breath on my neck again....
NO, no, think of something good ; something positive. Like how I've made it through all last fall and this winter (thus far) without a single asthma admission to the hospital. That would be, by far, the first time in over ten years that I did not spend the MAJORITY of those two seasons, parked in a hospital bed gasping into a tube....
Think of the 60 pounds lost.
Think of the fact that, everything considered, I am in the best shape I've been in physically in terms of strength and stamina since I was about 14. NO joke. NO exaggeration.
That's saying something, right??
So BACK OFF BEAST! GO BACK TO THE PIT YOU CAME FROM!!