Rebuilding and Repairing
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
This is probably my longest period of silence on Spark People since I've begun a year ago. But I've been here...floating about' reading a blog or two; commenting rarely, peeking in on the chat forum on the Team for People with Disabilities (hi guys!), but again, comments are very very few. I haven't tracked food, for easily , a month...haven't been able to do much fitness...although I've still been doing what I can...lifting dumbbells, working here and there wiht resistance bands...doing core work like "the Banana" from my hospital bed...doing chin ups on my "trapeze" (anyone who's been on an orthopedic surgery floor in a hospital will know what that is...and no, they are not meant to be for doing chin ups!) ...Even my prolific blogs in the "outside" world have been silent. And the other forums in which I participate have seen even less evidence of me.
Well, that's a really good question....and one that I should probably explore more later, elsewhere. My health has been ...not good...once more. And now I am approaching the end of my admission to the hospital...and once more, already, my "real life" is intruding...pushing its way into the the relatively peaceful rhythm of hospital life where, for weeks, my only job has been to get well and to recover from this major surgery.
Now my family feels either the need or the right to draw me once more into their struggles --and that is fine...that is as it should be. And the word "discharge" once in a while peeks into the conversations of the numerous therapists and nursing staff who have been caring for me. So I am gradually returning to the rhythms of "healthy" life. And although I will still be profoundly limited in my activity when I get home, more and more will be handed to me in responsibilty until once more, I am doing nothing...and everything: the odd paradox which is my life.
So as I contemplate making this shift, I want to do it wisely. Consciously. To decide what things are and what things are NOT important to me. Where to focus my little strength. And to think carefully about how to grow that strength and to get strong as possible, before the six weeks pass and I am once more lying on that operating table. A person could say, "why bother? why not just rest in between and then recover all at once?" I would have to say that although that approach would hold some benefit, I feel it would not be wise for me...because if I gain too much weight...If I lose too much muscle tone...regain too many inches...I will get discouraged and say, "forget it...I will never get back to where I was" and throw in the towel. However, if I keep the momentum going...at least MENTALLY, then when the time comes, it will be easy to once more step into my cross trainers and put on my sweats and go for it.
And it's silly , but one of the ways I've kept up that "in training" mentality is to wear my work out clothes here in PT in rehab. And I see the new "rolls" in them. and some of the jiggling that was not going on before. And while it saddens me, it also is hardening into a resolve. A resolve that says, "NO! I will NOT go there. I will NOT get lazy and large again. (to put it very kindly...those are not the real words I use to myself!)
But I know, (because I've tried) , that it is impossible to track food while in the hospital...and honestly, the exercises I am doing are often not found in the fitness tracker....So I've decided to go the route of the quick check (I can't remember what it's really called ) where you just track the number of fruit and veggie and protein servings and cups of water. And you track fitness MINUTES not calories burned or miles walked. This actually is quite easy for me to do here...and I am packing on the fitness minutes, I tell you...although it really would be beneficial if I would actually enter them into the computer. haha. suffice it to say that I am averaging four hours of PT daily. And that is nothing to sneeze at. Can any one say "YAY REHAB!!!"
These guys here are great. And if I can only force myself to slow down and actually LISTEN to them...I would be guaranteed success. My biggest biggest problem is that I rush and am impatient. Rather than get somewhere safely and wisely...I would rather get there QUICKLY and that often means risking not getting there at all. I need to attend a few lectures given by the tortoise.
Anyway. that's where I am...And by the end of the week, I will likely be out of the hospital, out of rehab...and set free to either fly, crawl or crash. and I am greatly perplexed as to which one of those options I should or will opt for. But my goals is to get through the next six weeks, recovering from the past six weeks, so that I can waste ANOTHER six weeks doing it all again...so maybe MAYBE I will be strong and healthy through next late spring and through the summer....and MAYBE I will keep some of the benefits and strengths I've gained this past year and next summer reach a NEW peak of performance, strength and appearance. And maybe, a little at a time I wil rebuild some of the immense losses I've suffered in the past ten years...Never mind the voice of reality and doubt that whispers the reality of my illnesses and the severity of the damage in my spine....
I am IGNORING that voice.
And if I fall, it will be from a very great height.