I had a very bad day today. It started with work, where I was expected to video edit, which is something I have never done. But, we wanted to save the money to hire somebody, and I can usually figure things out. So that turned into two days of me trying to do the equivalent of fitting a square puzzle piece into a round hole. I worked through lunch today, cancelling plans with my sister, and also ended up working three hours past closing. And it's still not done, I know I have that to face Monday morning. I am not proud of the meltdown I had in the bathroom, crying my eyes out because I hate to fail, hated to possibly tell my boss, the President of the company, that I just couldn't do it.
As if work weren't enough, I am also over-committing myself in other areas of my life. I love my church but it's a small church, and not many people to help for certain things, like say, a ladies' tea to be held Mother's Day weekend. The Deaconess asked me in an email last September, if I could help with a tea. In the past I've helped with graphic design projects - creating posters, flyers, sign up sheets, things like that. I'm good at that. I like doing that, and I like helping people. I'm a "yes" person, which I am learning is not so good of a thing. In fact, it could be my worst characteristic. So, this innocent little "project" I am working on turns into a full blown tea. And I'm one of two people coordinating it. I don't enjoy it. And I've told the Deaconness I hated it, I would have never said yes had I known what was involved, blah, blah, blah. But yet. I am still DOING it. And I don't have the time.
Where is my family in all of this?
My two daughters.
Come to think of it, where am I?
....where is God?
Had I asked him if it was a good idea to add tea hostessing/planning skills to my resume?
Had I asked my husband?
Did I ask myself?
And at work I take on unrealistic projects . The marketing guy was wise enough to tell my boss that HE couldn't edit the videos he wanted for his speech next week. But me? Oh, I'll take it on. I'll figure it out. I'll make it work while my family is at home, waiting for me, waiting to eat dinner while it gets cold on the table. I'll make it work.
Well, this isn't working anymore.
I need to claim back my time, my self, my spirituality.
I feel that amidst all of this MESS I am missing God's plan for me. Missing it by a mile.
Earlier today when I had my meltdown, I called my husband from my headset (always attached to my head) in the bathroom. I could barely talk through my sobs. I reached my limit. It was all too much, my work life and my church life colliding together and I was so overwhelmed I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. He listened to me and didn't say much. We hung up and I continued to try to make it work, at work.
I got home hours later and after we put the kids to bed he told me that he felt God in his life today, that he felt something spiritual touch him. Now my husband does not go to church with me, but believes in God, still for him to say that something spiritual touched him, that is a huge thing. A big thing. I listened.
He said that after he got off the phone with me he felt so bad for me and didn't know how he could help. He went to the window at that moment, and what was a rainy Chicago day turned into a snowy day. Right before his eyes the rain turned into big, fat 2-inch snowflakes. He said it was amazing to see. And he thought to himself that while I was at work, miserable, that there was something much more beautiful out there. God was at work in those snowflakes, creating each one different, and even though I was at work at couldn't SEE it, it was still happening. It was beautiful and amazing and it was something that I couldn't see or touch at the time, but it was there.
Sort of like faith, I thought, when he told me this. Sort of like the promises in the Bible. It reminded me that even through the tough times, God is there for me, waiting for me to call out to Him. And He is always there.
I am going to make some changes...I know that I was not put on this earth to be miserable. I am going to start putting more boundaries around myself, and my family...I am going to take some things away from my life that I don't need, and it may disappoint some people, but it is what I have to do.
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.
From the fullness of His grace we have all
received one blessing after another.
John 1:16 NIV