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Finding Beauty through Despair

Friday, April 01, 2011

I had a very bad day today. It started with work, where I was expected to video edit, which is something I have never done. But, we wanted to save the money to hire somebody, and I can usually figure things out. So that turned into two days of me trying to do the equivalent of fitting a square puzzle piece into a round hole. I worked through lunch today, cancelling plans with my sister, and also ended up working three hours past closing. And it's still not done, I know I have that to face Monday morning. I am not proud of the meltdown I had in the bathroom, crying my eyes out because I hate to fail, hated to possibly tell my boss, the President of the company, that I just couldn't do it.

As if work weren't enough, I am also over-committing myself in other areas of my life. I love my church but it's a small church, and not many people to help for certain things, like say, a ladies' tea to be held Mother's Day weekend. The Deaconess asked me in an email last September, if I could help with a tea. In the past I've helped with graphic design projects - creating posters, flyers, sign up sheets, things like that. I'm good at that. I like doing that, and I like helping people. I'm a "yes" person, which I am learning is not so good of a thing. In fact, it could be my worst characteristic. So, this innocent little "project" I am working on turns into a full blown tea. And I'm one of two people coordinating it. I don't enjoy it. And I've told the Deaconness I hated it, I would have never said yes had I known what was involved, blah, blah, blah. But yet. I am still DOING it. And I don't have the time.

Where is my family in all of this?

My husband.

My two daughters.

Come to think of it, where am I?

Better yet...

....where is God?

Had I asked him if it was a good idea to add tea hostessing/planning skills to my resume?

Had I asked my husband?

Did I ask myself?


And at work I take on unrealistic projects . The marketing guy was wise enough to tell my boss that HE couldn't edit the videos he wanted for his speech next week. But me? Oh, I'll take it on. I'll figure it out. I'll make it work while my family is at home, waiting for me, waiting to eat dinner while it gets cold on the table. I'll make it work.

Well, this isn't working anymore.

I need to claim back my time, my self, my spirituality.

I feel that amidst all of this MESS I am missing God's plan for me. Missing it by a mile.

Earlier today when I had my meltdown, I called my husband from my headset (always attached to my head) in the bathroom. I could barely talk through my sobs. I reached my limit. It was all too much, my work life and my church life colliding together and I was so overwhelmed I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. He listened to me and didn't say much. We hung up and I continued to try to make it work, at work.

I got home hours later and after we put the kids to bed he told me that he felt God in his life today, that he felt something spiritual touch him. Now my husband does not go to church with me, but believes in God, still for him to say that something spiritual touched him, that is a huge thing. A big thing. I listened.

He said that after he got off the phone with me he felt so bad for me and didn't know how he could help. He went to the window at that moment, and what was a rainy Chicago day turned into a snowy day. Right before his eyes the rain turned into big, fat 2-inch snowflakes. He said it was amazing to see. And he thought to himself that while I was at work, miserable, that there was something much more beautiful out there. God was at work in those snowflakes, creating each one different, and even though I was at work at couldn't SEE it, it was still happening. It was beautiful and amazing and it was something that I couldn't see or touch at the time, but it was there.

Sort of like faith, I thought, when he told me this. Sort of like the promises in the Bible. It reminded me that even through the tough times, God is there for me, waiting for me to call out to Him. And He is always there.

I am going to make some changes...I know that I was not put on this earth to be miserable. I am going to start putting more boundaries around myself, and my family...I am going to take some things away from my life that I don't need, and it may disappoint some people, but it is what I have to do.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.

From the fullness of His grace we have all
received one blessing after another.
John 1:16 NIV

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    If you say No to others, sometimes you are saying Yes to yourself and your family.
    3456 days ago
  • FREES1
    congratulations!!! you'll be unstoppable now!!
    and what a great photo of you running with "proof" lettered across it!
    3457 days ago
    Beautiful blog! Hugs and faith!
    3457 days ago
    I'm so sorry you have been having a rough time of it lately. Definitely sounds like you're taking on too much and you need to re-connect with YOU and your faith and your family. Just remember - no one will hold it against you for not taking on a huge project. They'll just go and ask the next person. Unless that thing is SPECIFICALLY written into your job description, then it's not your responsibility to take on. And no one will hold a grudge with you for that. If they do - then they're not a person that you want to associate with anyway.
    3467 days ago
    I could have written this blog awhile back...SERIOUSLY. A few years back I went to a small church and the same type of thing would happen ALL the time . Hey I realize that churches come in all sizes but the fact still remains that in a small church you have a few people who seem to pull the entire "load" for everybody else. It can be very tiring. Fast forward I really did have to just say "No". I was the type of person that was a "people pleaser" and felt it was my "godly" duty to do whatever another Christian asked. Not so much anymore :).

    It is so freeing to say yes when your heart is in it and to say no when it isn't. Most of all I remind myself ...there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Sometimes I place stuff on myself that HE never intended for me to carry.

    Hoping you have a wonderful weekend.
    3468 days ago
    I'm so glad you were open to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and realized that you needed to change some things in your life; it is easy to get distracted and it happens to all of us at times. When your life is balanced you enjoy every day things so much better.

    I will keep you in my prayers as you go through these changes and grow, I'm so proud of you. You are blessed to be loved and it is wonderful that your husband cared enough to absorb and savor that moment so he could share it with you later. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

    Have a Blessed day,
    3468 days ago
    This is great. I am so happy that you have made that decision for yourself!

    Your Hubby sounds sweet, too! : )

    Good luck with everything and I wish you only the best!

    3468 days ago
    OOoh sweetie. You are amazing. We all reach our limit sometimes. I think that you reached that point and now you are ok with relaxing for a little bit....it's hard to cut some things out and admit it's too much....but you feel better...I can tell! I love yoU!
    3468 days ago
    3468 days ago
  • -RUBIES-
    Yes, I read every word! I, myself, have been busy, busy, busy running around with my family for the last couple of days and have not stopped for one minute until now. Reading your blog helped me in my moment of "what in the heck is happening" as I think about my somewhat chaotic world right now. We can surely get ourselves in a bunch sometimes but we are sooo blessed to have a loving God gently reminding us of His peace and love and also that He is a God of order! HE cares for you Lotusflower!

    Enjoy your day "your" way and keep Sparkin'
    3468 days ago
    Kathy, you are so hard working and sweet. I understand the problem of always saying "Yes". You are a good person and you will get through this. You are only given the things that you can handle and you can do this.
    3468 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4334455
    How beautiful this is!

    I know that your faith will carry you through... sending hugs and prayers.
    3468 days ago
    Oh, honey. *hugs* Such is the plight of a talented woman with a big heart. I pray God will teach you the difference between a GOOD thing and a GOD thing. You see, He gives us the grace, the gifts, the resources to accomplish all He's called us to do. It's when we take on more than He's called us to do that we get overwhelmed and stressed. It's unhealthy for us and it robs the person who should be doing some of the projects or tasks of their blessing, as well, because we're doing their work. I rejoice over your husband's revelation today, for the presence of the Holy Spirit right there with him. God is SO good!! You'll balance it all out. I have faith in your ability to seek and find God in the midst of it all. *hugs* and love to you, precious one!
    3468 days ago
    Good for you!
    Stay strong,
    3468 days ago
  • TEMPEST272002
    I was really moved by your blog today. It takes such courage to face where we are going wrong. Your husband's revelation was so beautiful. His tender, caring love for you - that really moved me too. Those are the moments in marriage when you realize the true gift you have in your spouse.

    3468 days ago
    Hugs! You are handling so much, remember to find some time for yourself this weekend!
    3468 days ago
    OH.. thank you I needed this so much! IT just gives me goosebumps that your husb. shared this with you! WOW... God is so good! Then you were able to use it even again and apply it and see God's intention for you...with what your husband saw today! I love that!

    THANKS for sharing!!!
    3468 days ago
  • SWELL10
    What a beautiful revelation your husband had. Isn't it amazing that the God who created the universe would care enough about us to remind us that He does beautiful things in our lives. Let Him!
    3468 days ago
  • SWELL10
    What a beautiful revelation your husband had. Isn't it amazing that the God who created the universe would care enough about us to remind us that He does beautiful things in our lives. Let Him!
    3468 days ago
    Bless you. Take good care of yourself.
    3468 days ago
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