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Reflections

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Today is my grandfather's birthday. He passed away when I was 18. I was devastated because he was more like my father than my grandfather. I lived with my grandparents off and on my entire childhood. You see, I do not know who my father is. My mother used to tell me he was killed in a car wreck before I was born. I tried to find him or family members and kept hitting dead-end walls. I finally came to the conclusion that there must be a reason that I cannot find anything and that I have been just fine not knowing and that isn't going to change.

I had a very dysfunctional childhood. My mother married an alcoholic when I was 3. At the time, it was me and my older sister. We had a nice little house in a nice new subdivision and life was good. That is until my step-dad lost his job or my sister was taken away - I can't remember which came first. When she left, my step-father took it all out on me. He liked her better and blamed me for her going away. I was way too young to understand any of it and just did my best to survive. We moved so much that I never attended one school longer than two years. My sister ended up getting adopted by the foster family who took her in.

I am not sad about all of this - in fact it made me stronger and proud to be the person I am today. I learned from my mother that you do not put your husbands or boyfriends before your children. I learned that in order to be successful, you must work hard and seek to find what makes you happy (things don't just fall into your lap). To this day, my mother is unable to take care of herself. I vowed that I would never get into that situation. She sits in her wheelchair all day and rarely gets out of her small apartment. She is very content, though so I guess it's all good.

My mother has always been a big inspiration for me. "I don't want to end up like her" is my philosophy. Ever since I can remember, she has been extremely overweight. She said she tried diets but it's her hormones and there is nothing she can do about it 'cause she's been fat all her life. I disagree - a few years ago she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and when she chose to watch her diet, she lost 50+ pounds. I was so proud of her. That lasted just a few months and then she went right back to her old habits. She also ate sugar free sweets way too much. Sometime ago, they decided that she really wasn't diabetic so now she eats everything. She always has candy, cookies, doughnuts - you name it - within an arms reach. I don't think her other food choices are the healthiest, either. And as I said earlier, she doesn't move much at all.
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I was always very skinny until about the age of 18. I slowly put on a few pounds and then joined a gym and became very healthy. After children, school, and life in general, I have manage to creep up to a weight that I have never been nor ever want to be at again. It's a slow process but I will win this battle. Baby steps are a little smaller than I thought they would be but I am not giving up!!! emoticon
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