Thursday, April 28, 2011
A few years ago, (could it really have been 10?), I set a weight loss goal for myself to be a size 20. I had a friend who was a size 20 and I thought she looked beautiful, healthy and could basically buy whatever clothes she wanted. There was a lot going on in my life at that time. I was living in Boulder, CO and for the first time I could remember I was embarrassed to wear sleeveless shirts. Not because I had gained weight but because Boulder is one of the most health conscious places in the world. It felt like I was the only fat person in Boulder. So I attended a group to work on accepting myself and loving myself as I was at the moment. I spoke out at my grad school about how it felt to be looked down upon for being large and confronted people when they said things like "I'd rather die than be 300 pounds." I am digressing. My point is I decided a size 20 was good enough. I am a size 20 now and I love it, but it is not good enough but there is a part of me that feels like it is. This is the same part of me that has trouble believing I can lose 100 pounds or be less than a size 16. My mom has always tried to motivate me in losing weight and now that I'm a parent I can easily understand how impossible it is to know the right things to say and to try with the best of intentions to say what your child needs to hear and have it backfire. My mom tried to help me accept myself by pointing out that I am big boned and come from large families and will probably always be plused size...but would look fantastic at a size 14 but probably never get below a size 12. And honestly who knows. But I want to stop thinking of losing 100 pounds as something that other people do and stop thinking of a size 20 as good enough.
But I refuse to motivate myself with self loathing. I put on a little black dress yesterday, size 20, and was thrilled with the ways my body goes in so much more these days. Yay for the little black dress...keep going for the in's!