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Core beliefs

Thursday, April 28, 2011

A few years ago, (could it really have been 10?), I set a weight loss goal for myself to be a size 20. I had a friend who was a size 20 and I thought she looked beautiful, healthy and could basically buy whatever clothes she wanted. There was a lot going on in my life at that time. I was living in Boulder, CO and for the first time I could remember I was embarrassed to wear sleeveless shirts. Not because I had gained weight but because Boulder is one of the most health conscious places in the world. It felt like I was the only fat person in Boulder. So I attended a group to work on accepting myself and loving myself as I was at the moment. I spoke out at my grad school about how it felt to be looked down upon for being large and confronted people when they said things like "I'd rather die than be 300 pounds." I am digressing. My point is I decided a size 20 was good enough. I am a size 20 now and I love it, but it is not good enough but there is a part of me that feels like it is. This is the same part of me that has trouble believing I can lose 100 pounds or be less than a size 16. My mom has always tried to motivate me in losing weight and now that I'm a parent I can easily understand how impossible it is to know the right things to say and to try with the best of intentions to say what your child needs to hear and have it backfire. My mom tried to help me accept myself by pointing out that I am big boned and come from large families and will probably always be plused size...but would look fantastic at a size 14 but probably never get below a size 12. And honestly who knows. But I want to stop thinking of losing 100 pounds as something that other people do and stop thinking of a size 20 as good enough.
But I refuse to motivate myself with self loathing. I put on a little black dress yesterday, size 20, and was thrilled with the ways my body goes in so much more these days. Yay for the little black dress...keep going for the in's!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD4363972
    You are doing great! You just keep going until you feel like it is totally good enough.
    3500 days ago
    This is such a great blog! Good for you for reaching your goal -- and good for you for creating new ones! I think "curvy" is sexier than skinny... Me? I just want to feel good and have enough energy to do every thing I want to do! Of course, that includes looking good in great clothing.
    Keep it up!
    3505 days ago
    Congratulations on reaching the size 20. Sounds like a great goal for you and you did well to get there. Enjoy the feeling of having achieved that goal. When you are ready, set the next goal and start moving forward to it. Don't let anyone else choose your goals for you or make you settle for something less than you want to achieve. You are doing great, keep up the good work.

    3506 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1983812
    I agree with you about boulder. We lived there for a few months and both my husband and I are born and raised there. I'm actually a 5th generation... anyways, when we moved to kentucky we were so surprised by how big people were. It's not like there aren't bigger people in CO, it's just that there aren't as many. Totally different lifestyle, etc. Good luck getting to your goals!
    3508 days ago
    Wow! Congratulations on the size 20 dress. You must feel FANTASTIC! Don't let your mom or anyone else put limits on what size your body is. You might get to size 12, you might stay happy at and healthy at size 20.

    Not everyone is going to come out of this journey as a bikini model. I try to surround myself with positive depictions of female beauty who are not skinny. I like the picture you have in your background of Crystal Renn (plus size model).

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3508 days ago
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