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Planning to Stay Clean

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I wrote a blog to express some of the struggles I have had through the years with bulimia. I am not arrogant enough to consider my self 'cured' but I had thought I was healed better than I am. The blog got deleted when my computer locked up. Maybe it was one I needed to write, but others didn't need to read. Or maybe it was one that needs more thought before it is written in full.

The short version is that eating disorders are real and are really destructive. This is a very stressful time for me this month. The end of a fiscal year happening in conjunction with my two month 'vacation' from my job, so a lot of loose ends to tie up. My son is graduating and getting married this month. So many decisions to make, so much to take care of . . . I think I felt the ground shift under my feet today.

There was a brief moment in my day I questioned my ability to make sound choices for myself. In those moments I am so blessed that I have my Core 6 (support girls) and that I have a plan, a written plan. I don't have to count on how I am feeling about myself or about food. I just follow the plan. Is clean eating the plan for everyone, maybe not, but it is the lifestyle I select and trust to keep my moods steady and my body fueled, even when I am stressed and tired.

There you go, it is now verified, I am human, I have cracks and sometimes I break. I had a nice cry today after work and went out for a run. Better therapy than chocolate . . . wait a minute, I'm not THAT crazy!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NEWME0519
    Awww sweetie, I pray that you make it through the rest of the month with minimal stress!
    3426 days ago
    Glad you made it through the day. There are times like that for all of us. It's nice to come to the realization that we are all broken in some way and not perfect in everything we do. It takes a lot of pressure off. Hope your day and month end on a very positive note. Happiness is only one thought away.
    3426 days ago
    See why I totally admire you? You are human and admit it, and it gives us hope we can achieve what you have too!! You rock!
    3426 days ago
  • TWALKER0475
    I'm learning to see clean eating as my constant in stressful times, too, but it is definitely a work in progress! You have a lot coming at you at once right now and it is overwhelming, but it is all going to work out one way or another and you will survive. Imagine yourself a month from now with the craziness behind you and a chance to relax...that day is coming! All we can do is the best we can in each moment. emoticon
    3426 days ago
    emoticon You are amazing in your humanity! :o)
    3426 days ago
  • TEMPEST272002
    Being human is a good thing. You inspire me even more when I see you struggle & overcome.
    3426 days ago
    Just two weeks ago I celebrated 1 year ED behavior free. It feels like much longer. And like you said, I by no means call myself "cured." It will always haunt around the back of my mind. I commend you acknowledging and talking about your struggles, as it is a very stigmatized subject that hardly anyone understands unless you've lived it. You're awesome for sticking with your plan, and I wish you the best of luck and strength in these challenging times in your life.
    3426 days ago
    Awww... I am sorry you have a history with eating disorders. That is tough. It's a lifelong thing and requires daily vigilance.
    Good for you for noting the stressful time and making plans to keep the eating clean and to avoid falling into old traps. I am rooting for you.

    3426 days ago
  • DEE797
    Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. You are such an inspiration to us all.
    3426 days ago
    Times like that happen to everyone. What matters is what we do about them. It sounds like you are definitely on the road to recovery.
    3426 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your struggles. You are a wonderful inspiration to everyone here on spark!
    emoticon emoticon
    3426 days ago
    I have moments like that, too... really questioning my ability to make the right choices, wondering if I'm really who I THINK I am yet, or still masquerading as this person... and I slip and cave occasionally (like last night- I ended up eating about half a box of DOTS, and I don't even really LIKE "dots" candy!! What's with THAT?!).

    Good for you to stick with your plan, lady. You're very inspiring! I need to get a little "core" group of support for my emergency plan when I'm feeling weak or unsure of myself. What a wonderful idea. And WTG on the run!! I still give in to chocolate more than I care to admit, but a run is a great stress-reliever to use instead!
    3426 days ago
    I had a dream about you! You were doing a workout 'infomercial' on tv.. and you were looking like your fabulous HOT SELF... and your personality full of life just jumped off the screen.

    You had a clean eating plan you had developed to go along with workout DVD's... and you appealed to ALL ages!

    It was a good dream! emoticon
    3426 days ago
    We are all susceptible to our old demons. I believe everyone has them in one form or another. I'm always shocked when one of mine shows up. Sounds like your game plan helped you fight the battle and win. Congratulations!

    3426 days ago
    *hugs* You are so amazingly strong.
    3426 days ago

    3426 days ago
    It is not the fact that you were tested - it is the fact that you got through it and found growth that matters! You are FABULOUS! Keep on doing all you do. You have changed your life for sure. You have also influence the lives of so many to make permanent healthy changes.

    Much love
    3426 days ago
    way to conquer your stress! and a written plan is the best way to go. not much thought or energy required! emoticon
    3426 days ago
    Thanks for sharing and I'm glad the skies cleared for you to get out there! We all have challenges and stresses, and a great support network (and cry) almost ALWAYS help!
    You are an amazing support network to SO MANY and I'm glad you have one in return!! emoticon

    By the way, you are AMAZING and you look AMAZING!! emoticon
    3426 days ago
  • IONA72
    You are wise and wonderful, you will pull through. emoticon
    3426 days ago
    emoticon Hang in there girl and remember that you are fabulous even on the days when it feels like you are not!
    3426 days ago
    You are amazing! Great job getting out for your run.
    3426 days ago
    I think you are seriously INCREDIBLE!! I feel so blessed to have YOU in my life!! Thank you for always being so REAL and transparent!!

    3426 days ago
    Love to you, my friend.
    3426 days ago
    I so have been there and yes eating disorders are real and do not go away just because we want them to. They go away because we work a program and we reach out and use the skills we have learned.

    Glad you ended up having a good day. Sounds like the next few months are really going to take every ouch of energy you have. So be good to yourself.
    3427 days ago
    I agree! You are simply amazing. I'm sorry you had such a bad day and hope tomorrow is better! emoticon
    3427 days ago
  • LENKA763
    No, you are not crazy.
    I had moments , when I was thinking this can be happening!
    But keeping myself busy, going to the gym and getting the frustration out helped tremendously.

    Sometimes I slip and have a whole bar of chocolate or 3 cinnamon rolls, but then I realize that actually make me feel worse.

    I have tried eat clean ,but I keep slipping out ( I would say I eat 80% clean ).

    Good for you that you can do it.
    It is good way to fuel your body and gain energy.

    Good Luck!

    3427 days ago
    I agree with Buzybeedebra.
    3427 days ago
    I think you're amazing.
    3427 days ago
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