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Slight Rant and Eating Disorders

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Body image has always been a hard thing for me. I hit pueberty at age 11 and all of a sudden gained all this weight. It didn't make sense to me then and it still doesnt make sense to me 11 years later. I was and still am the most active person in my family. I played year round sports with 2 hr practice every day of the school week and that wasnt counting weekend games. I eat the same food my family eats and they are all healthy and slim.

So i started not eating, calories equal fat so if i didn't eat i wouldn't get fatter. the opposite happened I did. So i started purging whatever i did actually eat. It didn't help that my mother put me on weight watchers when i was 14, thanks mom, like i needed any more help feeling like i wasn't good enough.

I go to a college where most of the girl are labeled "barbie" and i most definitely dont fit that mold no matter how intensely i tried to be thin it never happened. I have passed out 4 times in the last 2 years because i wasn't eating enough, but i still felt like no one was going to love me until I'm a size two.

Which leads to the present i yelled that at my parents about a month and a half ago. I said that my mother wouldn't love me until i was a size two. Which in my mind is still true, even though she denies it actually what she said is " you've been around (name of school) to long". So on Sunday, we were at my cousins wedding and it was great and i was talking to my other cousin, who is a personal trainer, ( yea i'm the only fat one in the family) and just asking her about some ideas for a strength training routine that wouldn't bore me to death (sorry spark people). But my mom has to listen in and take her suggestins as rules.

So yesterday I was on the elliptical and running while watching Two Towers and my dad came down and started watching with me so i ended my run and let the movie keep playing b/c he was watching it and i went into the kitchen to get some water and she starts lecturing me about the "rule" of only watching the movie while i exercise " .

Why can't she stay out of what i do. I was doing way better before she came home and started making all these comments about my slow metabolism and that i shouldn't be eating 1200 calories a day if my metabolism is slow, which it's not.If i'm on an off cardio day she says i should be running and honestly it just makes me feel like nothing i'm doing is good enough.

So, I tried breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday, because after my mom and i's discussion i felt like i would never be good enough for him or anyone else for that matter until i'm size 0. Anyway he told me two things that are actually worth sharing.

1.) First he said to Ignore my mother, and that I know what i'm supposed to be doing and that's what matters
2) he said that " i'm worth it and I'm good enough" I'm good enough for him to love me right now as i am. That I'm good enough for myself to want to be healthier.

Which is what i wanted to share with those who read this. You're worth getting healthy for and being healthy for but not if it's going to make you unhappy or stressed out. So often i think we tend to spend our time stressing out about every little detail ( and if your a perfectionist like me figuring out every calorie) that we forget to live life. Yes it can be a struggle to be healthy, i'm not healthy or anywhere near it yet. But if you can't love your self or appreciate who you are now and the self-hatred then it's not going to matter if you lose 10,20,50,100, 200 pounds. I can't say oh i'll be able to love myself when i'm a size 6, if i can't find things to love about myself now.

Yikes this was way longer than I intended
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ok, here is what you need to hear right now and about this blog...based on your blog today...you need to listen tot he boyfriend who loves and accepts you as you are and you need to turn off the tape of and the current of the mom and dad who have a very, very unrealistic vision of you. You are you. Your boyfriend loves you for who you ARE. Your parents love you for who you MIGHT BE if you follow their rules...what you are seeing in your "rant" which never is a rant but the emotion behind eating...are the emotions behind why you are carrying extra weight. HOnestly Anna, I have to tell you that you need to examine your relationship with your parents...why do they expect some self-determined sense of perfection of you? Why is this something that you feel like you need to live up to? And if this is something that you can't live up to, why do you feel, somewhere in your mind do you think you have to live up to this crazy expectation of theirs??? I'm sorry to be a bit harsh on the relationship but I think it needs some exploring...you have to look at this, what are their expectations, what can you live up to, what do you want to live up to and where else (boyfriend) can you find acceptance without the expectations of your parents today to help you through a journey to where YOU want to be, not where they want you to be???? TOugh questions my friend, ones I wouldn't ask if I didn't see SO much of my own relationships with family versus my husband in your relationships versus your boyfriend. I hope this makes sense. Blessings to you, I believe in prayer and I'm praying for you and your current struggle with motivation, which I think comes from unsupportive family, and your struggle to please those who are not supporting. I'm sorry if only some of this makes sense. This is very complicated, intertwined, and honestly, close to some of my own struggles. More...later...feel free to e-mail, or post or ask however you are comfortable. I'm here for you. Karen
    3450 days ago
  • ATR_1983
    I agree with your boyfriend do what make you happy. Years ago I lost about 60 pounds and I gained it all back plus some. you know why because I was not doing it from me. This time around I am doing it for me and i am focusing on the things I love about my self you can do it! surround yourself who are supporting you.
    3456 days ago
    I have learned that the less you the more your body will store as fat. Thus you not losing any weight. I started out watching calories and couldnt understand why I wasnt losing anything. My doctor says I should be eating more to get my metabalism going.
    Your boyfriend is right in what he tells you. Forget about all the peeple in your life who isn't supporting you. He loves you for you and those are the people you need in life!
    3458 days ago
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