Slight Rant and Eating Disorders
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Body image has always been a hard thing for me. I hit pueberty at age 11 and all of a sudden gained all this weight. It didn't make sense to me then and it still doesnt make sense to me 11 years later. I was and still am the most active person in my family. I played year round sports with 2 hr practice every day of the school week and that wasnt counting weekend games. I eat the same food my family eats and they are all healthy and slim.
So i started not eating, calories equal fat so if i didn't eat i wouldn't get fatter. the opposite happened I did. So i started purging whatever i did actually eat. It didn't help that my mother put me on weight watchers when i was 14, thanks mom, like i needed any more help feeling like i wasn't good enough.
I go to a college where most of the girl are labeled "barbie" and i most definitely dont fit that mold no matter how intensely i tried to be thin it never happened. I have passed out 4 times in the last 2 years because i wasn't eating enough, but i still felt like no one was going to love me until I'm a size two.
Which leads to the present i yelled that at my parents about a month and a half ago. I said that my mother wouldn't love me until i was a size two. Which in my mind is still true, even though she denies it actually what she said is " you've been around (name of school) to long". So on Sunday, we were at my cousins wedding and it was great and i was talking to my other cousin, who is a personal trainer, ( yea i'm the only fat one in the family) and just asking her about some ideas for a strength training routine that wouldn't bore me to death (sorry spark people). But my mom has to listen in and take her suggestins as rules.
So yesterday I was on the elliptical and running while watching Two Towers and my dad came down and started watching with me so i ended my run and let the movie keep playing b/c he was watching it and i went into the kitchen to get some water and she starts lecturing me about the "rule" of only watching the movie while i exercise " .
Why can't she stay out of what i do. I was doing way better before she came home and started making all these comments about my slow metabolism and that i shouldn't be eating 1200 calories a day if my metabolism is slow, which it's not.If i'm on an off cardio day she says i should be running and honestly it just makes me feel like nothing i'm doing is good enough.
So, I tried breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday, because after my mom and i's discussion i felt like i would never be good enough for him or anyone else for that matter until i'm size 0. Anyway he told me two things that are actually worth sharing.
1.) First he said to Ignore my mother, and that I know what i'm supposed to be doing and that's what matters
2) he said that " i'm worth it and I'm good enough" I'm good enough for him to love me right now as i am. That I'm good enough for myself to want to be healthier.
Which is what i wanted to share with those who read this. You're worth getting healthy for and being healthy for but not if it's going to make you unhappy or stressed out. So often i think we tend to spend our time stressing out about every little detail ( and if your a perfectionist like me figuring out every calorie) that we forget to live life. Yes it can be a struggle to be healthy, i'm not healthy or anywhere near it yet. But if you can't love your self or appreciate who you are now and the self-hatred then it's not going to matter if you lose 10,20,50,100, 200 pounds. I can't say oh i'll be able to love myself when i'm a size 6, if i can't find things to love about myself now.
Yikes this was way longer than I intended