Give up...or Stick it Out?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I have a confession to make: I have lost all motivation to be healthy. It's just so much easier to not care. it's easier to eat whatever the hell I want and not scrutinize every morsel of food that crosses my lips. It's more enjoyable to go out to parties and social events and just eat whatever I damn well please, and enjoy myself and the company instead of worrying about whether or not the food is Primal.
I'm tired of it.
For the past 6 years, I have been on a variety of diets or healthy eating plans or lifestyles or whatever the hell you want to call them, and I am exhausted.
The problem is, if I just let go and eat whatever my heart desires, I will gain weight, and then I'll just be miserable in a different way.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
I want to be one of those girls who is fat and happy. A girl who loves her body, even if it is a size 20. But that's just not me.
So which side do I choose? If I'm unhappy either way, what's the best choice for me? I just don't know anymore. All I know is I'm tired of thinking about food constantly. I'm tired of always worrying about my weight. I just want to make a truce with food and with my body, but I don't think that's going to happen. So what option do I have? Stick to Primal, lose weight, and be miserable? Stop following any plan, gain weight, and be miserable? I'm not seeing much of a silver lining here.
I just really don't know what to do anymore.
I know I should want to be healthy. It shouldn't be about the food or my weight or my dress size. It should be about my health. But it never, ever is. At the end of the day, it's all about what I see in the mirror and how my clothes fit. It's about the foods I did or did not allow myself to have. It's about this damn eating disorder that I've lost control of yet again. Health is low-priority in comparison.
I'm just over it.