To say I have had an eventful three months would be an understatement!
In July I had a personal attack on my character and a blow to my heart that made my knees buckle. In the past this would have pushed me to a binge cycle. It did not this time. For a brief moment I thought I wanted to use something to shove down the feelings, drown the pain and numb my emotions so it wouldn't hurt so bad. Then I just decided that those actions would not get me close to my goals and were far more destructive to me than the offensive blow I had just taken. I will not be my own abuser.
In August I received some news that threw me for a loop. Out of the blue a little bit of news brought up a stinking rotten relic from the past . . . one that I had long forgotten. . . because it was buried under the 'keep your chin up and move on' of the next crisis of late teens and early twenties. When this wretched piece of slime came to the top, it was so putrid it made me want to puke. . . serious guttural reaction. I was crying and shaking, how could I have buried THAT! That was huge in my life and really effected me adversely.
In September I received the saddest news. My uncle, who I adore, passed away. I hate that term. There is no term that I like in this regard. I do not like to think of him in the past tense. I don't like saying "He was . . . " . I have tons of fabulous memories of my childhood that involve him and his family, all very dear people who I love. I am saddened to think of my cousins who adore they dad and how very much their hearts are crushed. He was their hero, larger than life guy. When I was born, my parents shared a home with my uncle and his wife. They had a baby girl the day after I was born. She and I shared a crib. She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever know. We were playmates for most of our childhood as our fathers spent every weekend together. Her daddy was a good father who adored his children and did everything with them.
Though my heart is broken, my resolve to make healthy choices for myself has not been diminished. As a matter of fact it has been strengthened. I want to be strong enough and healthy enough that I am not in bondage to emotions or allow circumstances to dictate my eating choices. We all suffer hurts and losses. Some greater and more painful than others. No one is immune to these things.
This morning I was feeling less motivated than ever to do my exercise. I wanted to stay curled up in my chair with my coffee and devotional with my doggy at my feet. After a while I thought, just do yoga and if you don't feel like doing more, that is fine. The movement felt really stiff at first and my abs ached from the 235 crunches I did on Monday night and the shimmy shake I had done in Zumba on Tuesday night. After yoga I decided I would do the core and more challenge I had written for FabFit. Ouch! Ouch! Whose idea was it to hit core today? Oh, yea, mine! I was really not into the workout so I was not getting the pump that I usually get. I was stuck in the 'don't wannas' .
I posted in FabFit that I had a case of the 'don't wannas' but that I needed to get in a training run before I went to work at noon. As I was typing it, I knew that it would make me do it. It's not an option to skip it. It's what my body needs and there is no reason to curl up or be paralyzed by emotion. Suck it up buttercup. Lace up the shoes and go. Don't wait to 'feel like it'. Do it! The whole time I am thinking these things I am in motion. Don't questions why . . just move . . don't stop to think . . . just do. . . no time waste, roll!
The first mile was faster than I have been running. Since I had procrastinated, I was short on time and had to get it done! Into the second mile, still making excellent time. Heading back to the house, I feel elated that I got that run in before the rain. 2.5 miles under 25 minutes. That is a great pace for me. My long run pace is about 12 min miles. Track sprints usually at 8mm pace, but I can only hold that pace for 200 - 400 meters.
I finish feeling strong, physically and emotionally stronger than I have in a while. This is my last day of work at the print shop. I am now free to pursue my mission to help others discover their best health one choice at a time.
In a lot of ways I am grateful for the events of the past three months, minus the loss of my uncle. I would really like to have him back. The other events showed me that I am not a victim, I am a victor and I want to be the woman my uncle saw in me when he told me "you are the strongest woman I know".
I feel the sword being raised as fear of the unknown leaves. I have stared down the throat of the dragon (eating disorder, temptation to binge and other abusive behaviors) and I have said "NO, not today!" Each time I say "NO! Not Today!" I am stronger. I am victorious and addiction is weakened and diminished.
Anybody up for some dragon slaying? What are the demons you fight?