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Staring Down the Dragon

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

To say I have had an eventful three months would be an understatement!

In July I had a personal attack on my character and a blow to my heart that made my knees buckle. In the past this would have pushed me to a binge cycle. It did not this time. For a brief moment I thought I wanted to use something to shove down the feelings, drown the pain and numb my emotions so it wouldn't hurt so bad. Then I just decided that those actions would not get me close to my goals and were far more destructive to me than the offensive blow I had just taken. I will not be my own abuser.

In August I received some news that threw me for a loop. Out of the blue a little bit of news brought up a stinking rotten relic from the past . . . one that I had long forgotten. . . because it was buried under the 'keep your chin up and move on' of the next crisis of late teens and early twenties. When this wretched piece of slime came to the top, it was so putrid it made me want to puke. . . serious guttural reaction. I was crying and shaking, how could I have buried THAT! That was huge in my life and really effected me adversely.

In September I received the saddest news. My uncle, who I adore, passed away. I hate that term. There is no term that I like in this regard. I do not like to think of him in the past tense. I don't like saying "He was . . . " . I have tons of fabulous memories of my childhood that involve him and his family, all very dear people who I love. I am saddened to think of my cousins who adore they dad and how very much their hearts are crushed. He was their hero, larger than life guy. When I was born, my parents shared a home with my uncle and his wife. They had a baby girl the day after I was born. She and I shared a crib. She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever know. We were playmates for most of our childhood as our fathers spent every weekend together. Her daddy was a good father who adored his children and did everything with them.

Though my heart is broken, my resolve to make healthy choices for myself has not been diminished. As a matter of fact it has been strengthened. I want to be strong enough and healthy enough that I am not in bondage to emotions or allow circumstances to dictate my eating choices. We all suffer hurts and losses. Some greater and more painful than others. No one is immune to these things.

This morning I was feeling less motivated than ever to do my exercise. I wanted to stay curled up in my chair with my coffee and devotional with my doggy at my feet. After a while I thought, just do yoga and if you don't feel like doing more, that is fine. The movement felt really stiff at first and my abs ached from the 235 crunches I did on Monday night and the shimmy shake I had done in Zumba on Tuesday night. After yoga I decided I would do the core and more challenge I had written for FabFit. Ouch! Ouch! Whose idea was it to hit core today? Oh, yea, mine! I was really not into the workout so I was not getting the pump that I usually get. I was stuck in the 'don't wannas' .

I posted in FabFit that I had a case of the 'don't wannas' but that I needed to get in a training run before I went to work at noon. As I was typing it, I knew that it would make me do it. It's not an option to skip it. It's what my body needs and there is no reason to curl up or be paralyzed by emotion. Suck it up buttercup. Lace up the shoes and go. Don't wait to 'feel like it'. Do it! The whole time I am thinking these things I am in motion. Don't questions why . . just move . . don't stop to think . . . just do. . . no time waste, roll!

The first mile was faster than I have been running. Since I had procrastinated, I was short on time and had to get it done! Into the second mile, still making excellent time. Heading back to the house, I feel elated that I got that run in before the rain. 2.5 miles under 25 minutes. That is a great pace for me. My long run pace is about 12 min miles. Track sprints usually at 8mm pace, but I can only hold that pace for 200 - 400 meters.

I finish feeling strong, physically and emotionally stronger than I have in a while. This is my last day of work at the print shop. I am now free to pursue my mission to help others discover their best health one choice at a time.

In a lot of ways I am grateful for the events of the past three months, minus the loss of my uncle. I would really like to have him back. The other events showed me that I am not a victim, I am a victor and I want to be the woman my uncle saw in me when he told me "you are the strongest woman I know".

I feel the sword being raised as fear of the unknown leaves. I have stared down the throat of the dragon (eating disorder, temptation to binge and other abusive behaviors) and I have said "NO, not today!" Each time I say "NO! Not Today!" I am stronger. I am victorious and addiction is weakened and diminished.

Anybody up for some dragon slaying? What are the demons you fight?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    God bless you my beautiful friend for all your truthfulness (the truth after all...shall set us FREE), for your continued commitment and your strength in your resolutions!

    Yes, we DO all have our burdens to bear, but I share every one of mine, good, bad, indifferent, and I KNOW that in doing so I give a voice to others to do the same in figuring out theirs.

    I LOVE you for who you are, and who you ALWAYS have been! You have a fierce fighter heart and amaze and astound those around you! Keep on keepin' on darling woman! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3300 days ago
  • IXCHEL23
    Wow, Carolyn I've been contemplating returning and being active on SP again after battling my demons the past 6 months. I'm almost done slaying my "dragons" and getting empowered again. I've gained back 20lbs and slowing reigniting the fire I had once in me to get back on track and get healthy mentally and physically.
    You are INSPIRING me as always!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3302 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/9/2011 9:29:54 PM
  • NEWME0519
    You are such a blessing to many of us! Thank you for the courage to share your journey (good or bad) with all of us!
    3302 days ago
    Carolyn thanks for sharing with us! Your personal journey gives hope to the rest of us......
    3303 days ago
    My demons are both emotional eating and tired eating. I work nights, and I get the munchies when I get sleepy.

    Good, positive, blog! :)
    3303 days ago
  • IONA72
    Another great blog from a great lady, thank you.
    3303 days ago
  • TWALKER0475
    It is always inspirational to see you lead the way by refusing to deal with negative emotions by using food. I am so sorry that you have been faced with these struggles...as you say, none of us is immune. It helps to be reminded of that, it takes away some of the woe-is-me feelings that arise when life is handing us lemons. emoticon
    3304 days ago
    Beautiful post. So sorry for your loss, Carolyn, but your joyous victory is what really matters!
    3304 days ago
    I'm so sorry you have been going through so much, Carolyn. And I'm especially sorry for the loss of your Uncle. I, too, had an Uncle like that.. I was closer to him than my Dad for most of my life. We always had little private jokes and I have so many wonderful memories with him. When he passed a few years ago, it was SO difficult for me. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers through this.

    And yes, you are storng and victorious! You come through your struggles triumphant. They are difficult to tread through to get to the top of the murk sometimes, but you always manage to somehow... and that's why you are such an inspiration to everyone around you.

    3304 days ago
    emoticon You are a constant inspiration the lighthouse in this journey. Sometimes the light will be dimmer than others, perhaps that is because we are the lighthouse for others.
    3304 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3304 days ago
  • TEMPEST272002
    Sorry to hear you've had so many hard times this summer. That you were able to care for yourself & not fall back on old coping behaviours shows how far you've come. Hugs.
    3304 days ago
    Way to face the dragons! Sorry to hear about all the trials you've been facing down, but you are staying strong and slaying dragons. Love the attitude you are bringing to your struggles. Prayers and hugs for you and your loved ones.
    3304 days ago
    Sending you lots of hugs and prayer, Carolyn.

    As for fighting my own demons... this whole year has been an exercise in having the desire but not the physical ability to slay my dragons. NEXT YEAR! BRING IT!
    3304 days ago
    Oh Carolyn. This isn't the first time reading your blog made my cry. I am soo proud of you, you meet those dragons head on and whoop them into submission!! AND rather than let all this harden you and make you cynical and bitter, you are still the sweet tenderhearted, strong, determined woman you were meant to be. God is and will richly bless you for your refusing to cave in!! Love you, lady!
    3304 days ago
    Good on you....you've got a lot to be proud of....tackling any one of those things like that would have been tough....all 3 together just compounds it.

    A phrase I tell myself a lot is; "There are only 2 times to work out; when you want to and when you don't want to"

    God luck!
    3304 days ago
    ((((hugs)))) you show that dragon WHO'S BOSS! Prayers to you and your family!
    3304 days ago
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