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A New Start--because it' s a Whole Different Story Now

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Things are changing for me, rapidly, in terms of my physical abilities and my medical status. I am going, in October for a right shoulder replacement; something that is terrifying to me as I've heard it's worse than even the hip replacement surgeries and recovery were.

As soon as I've recovered a bit from that , but hopefully before the end of the year, I will be having elbow surgery on the other arm... I NEED a replacement there, but due to my "young" age, have to wait...He didn't say for how long! This sucka HURTS!

THEN, the other shoulder needs to be redone as well.

And THEN maybe we can focus a bit on the knees.

Or not.

Maybe we can just say, "enough is enough" and I'll live as long as I can manage at home, until it becomes even more apparent that it's time for an assisted living facility. YIKES. I know that that time is rapidly approaching. If it were possible to say, 'Well, once I get these surgeries out of the way, I'll be doing much better," then it would be silly to do that. But realistically speaking, my spine is disintegrating much too quickly for that to happen. And that cannot be repaired or replaced. So what, really, is the point of enduring these surgeries? What is the point of jeapordizing my mental status by risking the post surgical confusion and psychosis that occur now follwoing each experience of anesthesia?

I'm going through some major emotional transitioning as I am beginning to realize, for the first time really, that "This is no joke. And it's not going to go away". Honestly, I'm still quite a ways away from that recognition or rather ACCEPTING that...because really, how can something like this happen to someone who is only 19? (Ok...almost 49, but it FEELS like I still must be a young and strong adult.) My thirties were great years. How can it be that ten short years later, I'm ready to be thinking of nursing homes? It just CAN"T be, that' s why. This is still a bad dream and i will wake up.

But I have a feeling that that "waking up" won't occur til Heaven. More and more, my heart and mind are fixed there. it truly is my only hope.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LUNADRAGON
    Yes, it stinkith, it is no fun. It is scary, and it is your reality. I agree with Linda. You fight for what you can to maintain what you can as long as you can. Paradise will be sweet when we get there, for now, we deal with the hands we are given. Hugs, and prayers my friend!
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    Deborah
    3300 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Really, who has a perfect life all sugar and roses, great health, wealth, loving spouse and perfect children? Show me, I would love to meet them and not some TV family either!!! You are just fooling yourself to gloss things over and that doesn't do anyone any good, including yourself. You just have to read some of redshoes2011's blogs to see brutal honesty in life. She holds nothing back about revealing the warts in her life.
    I actually have no concept what its like to live a 'normal' life. I have lived with this disease all my life. But I have learned to live within the parameters of what is 'normal' for me. I do it as a single living alone with no friends, but a dear, sweet mother who helps when ever she can. But certainly, at the rate my disease is progressing and when there is no more bone left for them to replace my joints, a wheelchair and nursing home are in my future. I had my first replacement at age 35, and yes, they wanted to wait because of my young age, but not being able to walk on it made it unacceptable and I pushed for it. Its all about quality of life. Making sure your Doctors are doing everything they can to make you as comfortable as you can in your present condition. Push for it, FIGHT for it!! You must get every scrap of humanity back that you can. All too soon you will hit that final wall and say why were you wasting your time when you still had some ability to enjoy life?? This is why I push myself so hard to move this aching body through its paces. I will have all the time in the world to be a couch potato when I am permanently crippled up!!
    My heart bleeds for your situation and impending doom, Cynthia. I don't know that I would even want to live to see something like that happen to me. It would be the final straw..
    Thoughts are with you always,
    Hugs,
    Linda
    3300 days ago
  • 60SIXTY
    I know that when we face medical problems we go through the stages of grief in a similar manner as when we lose a loved one. Your blogging about this will help you move through the stages. I wish you the best.
    3301 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Cynthia my dear friend.
    Such a realistic and heart breacking blog I am so glad you replaced it.
    I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through.
    I have lived with pain for many years but not to the extent that you are suffering.
    So many replacements?
    Why! what is happening to your body?.
    I have read your page and always read your blogs.
    You have never really explained exactly what is wrong ..
    Is it your Immune System attacking you and if so why?. or is it some thing unexplainable.
    I would like to understand.
    If it is to painful for you to talk about that is ok. Sufficent to know what you are going through and what is happening Medically wise ..
    You are such a brave Lassie, and I love you dearly!
    All my Prayers and Love are with you all the way ..

    Your Friend Susie .


    emoticon
    3301 days ago
  • KASEYCOFF
    I'm glad you replaced the blog because it may well help comfort someone else to know they are not alone. Even tho it seems negative, writing can so often help us release feelings, think 'on paper,' and arrive at realistic conclusions - all of which I think you did in this blog.

    It's such a difficult road to travel, in and of itself, and that in turn makes the decisions you face all the harder to make.

    For what it's worth, I'm confident that your faith can see you thru, and that you will find a path that works for you, even if it's not one you would have chosen or hoped for.
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    3301 days ago
  • PONYFARMER
    Like you (and I am older) I long for the time when I will meet Jesus and live in paradise, free from this body and the pain that comes from all of the same issues that you face.

    I just read your blog, and I am so glad that you did replace it. You and I both need to know that there are others out there like us. I do not see it as negative at all but realistic. Thank you for putting it back up.
    3301 days ago
  • DEDICATED2HIM
    I had deleted this blog, feeling it was too negative and too -let's face it - honest for public display. However, these are the facts. Maybe they will help someone else to feel less alone...or less unlucky ;)
    Due to the encouragement given to me by REDSHOES2011, I have replaced it.
    3301 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9136158
    emoticon I tried to leave a comment on your blog..
    3301 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/10/2011 1:39:51 AM
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