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Unhappy and Stuffing my Face

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I've never before been "an emotional eater"...someone who comforts themselves with food. I've always overeaten out of simple gluttony: because it tastes so good! OR because I've been on steroids or other drugs that make me constantly ravenous. But lately there has been a change.

I have a history of ED...(Eating Disorder...in my case: anorexia) and historically in my lifetime, when I get a bit overweight...I have iron control over my appetite..and would restrict and exercise until the weight was gone. But then came steorids. And psychotropics medications. And suddenly the control was wrested from my hands. I found myself powerless it seemed to lose weight. And this powerlessness was HUGELY frightening for me as a person who still thinks like an anorexic.

So last year, after my weight rose to what was for me, an unbelievable high of 220, I got some changes in my medication, dug down deep into my determination and worked HARD here at Spark...losing 60 pounds....and still needing to lose about 30 more. But those last thirty pounds eluded me. I worked out hard daily...I watched carefully what i ate...and that doggone plateau refused to budge. Month after month it lasted...And more and more I panicked. My new found control was failing me!

Little by little, I gave up hope. And little by little, I relaxed my efforts. And more and more, I reached for more food. Until now, almost a year later, I'm once more looking at my ever expanding body with disgust. I've gained at least 20 pounds..probably closer to 25 from my lowest weight last year....and worse, I JUST CAN'T STOP EATING.

And I've found myself having mini binges....Or returning time and time again to the kitchen in the middle of the night....and now even during the daytime, when previously I would eat very little during the day. And I"ve had to ask myself, "WHY??"

True I've spent the last nine days back on steroids. But what about the weeks prior to that?? I've been an eating machine!! And today it finally dawned on me. (DUH!) ...

I'm unhappy.

My marriage- never a good one- has become unbearable. I"m being abused verbally and emotionally by my husband who is constantly in a rage...And my health is completely unraveling - I'm currently on the path to at least five more joint replacement surgeries and probably more. The Asthma is once more completely out of control...etc etc. NOTHIGN IN MY LIFE IS UNDER MY CONTROL

As a person who does not feel safe when things are out of her hands...This is not a good sign. And I've run to food for comfort...I'm very unhappy right now...about my body image...about my marriage...about my deteriorating health. And eating something makes me "happy" if only for a few seconds. And this makes NO sense...because by eating I am only making each of my problems worse!

So what would help me to break out of this destructive downhill slide?

I think I need to get mad.

Mad at the things in my life that just plain suck.
Mad at the people who are making them suck.
Mad at the food for lying to me.
and Mad at being the helpless victim.

Mad enough to change things.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD9136158
    emoticon hang in there! emoticon
    3283 days ago
  • DANMAR1
    The ladies have all had such good advice. Know you are not alone...Can you feel all of us coming along side of you to support you and tell you we care? Try to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend...be good to you.
    3290 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So very sorry you have come to this boiling point:(( I love the advice given here. Time to put yourself back in charge! I don't understand why your husband should be such an ogre at the time when you most need love and support :((( As the others said, when he acts up or says and does something you don't like, don't argue, it makes them rant even more, but just walk away. Have you a friend, neighbor, or even your church where you could seek refuge? Being around this rage is not good for you and will only increase your health problems :(
    One step at a time, find something you can regain control over, preferably the most critical problem..
    My thoughts are with you, feel the warmth and the quiet strength, you have it deep inside you too, pull it out and let it envelope you..
    Hugs,
    Linda
    3290 days ago
  • RGEETING
    CYNTHIA - praying for you tonight... that God will comfort your heart, that He will hold you tight in His enveloping arms as you vent to Him, sharing every single emotion that you have...

    He's amazing that way... we can get mad - and He's big enough to just hold us until we are spent and then whispers His love for us.


    For the Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9

    I can't say that I know how you feel... and you have many painful emotional and physical burdens.

    What others have said here, too, are great advice! I do know the feeling of "who cares, anyhow?" when I want to just eat what I want without thinking about it or tracking it... and can understand how you have gotten to this point of being mad.

    I'm sending you a spark mail. :-)

    3290 days ago
  • PONYFARMER
    I so love the comments already given. You do have things that you can control, like SUSIEPH1 said, once your DH or darn husband, starts in on you, walk right out the front door. Be all ready for it. Have your purse nearby, with your cell phone and any meds or whatever you may need. Then go somewhere, anywhere, walk and walk, kind of like Forest Gump, until you feel better. The endorphins you will get from this will help with your mood and you will feel in control. You can do this!
    3290 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Oh my poor darling !! I so feel for you, I do agree with both Carol and Vicky. we need to take control .. some how we need to get past the hurt our DHs cause us and be and live for ourselves . Why let them get what the want ? they want to be in control .. They are taking their own frustrations out on us. and we are letting them ... Just walk out of the room .. not to the kitchen! but outside don't answer them don't let them see they are upsetting you . Just go .. even if you have to call a taxi if you cannot drive just go do something you like to do .
    They can't abuse you if you are not there!
    and you do not have to listen to them .
    Stop this mindless eating it doesn't affect them they don't care .. but you do and it does affect your quality of life .
    I have been where you are and I understand .. Remember I love you and so do all of us Sparkies .. we may not be visible but we are always with you in Spirit.
    Love you my friend Hugs Susie
    3290 days ago
  • CAZ5346
    CYNTHIA--WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET MAD? DO YOU OVEREAT THEN? I KNOW I EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT (WELL NOT THE GOOD STUFF) WHEN I'M MAD. WE HAVE TO GET CONTROL OF OUR EMOTIONS AND NOT BLAME THE OVEREATING ON THAT. AND WE NEED TO MOVE. YES IT HURTS BUT THERE ARE SOME MOVEMENTS WE CAN DO WITHOUT PAIN. EVEN JUST MOVING OUR FEET UP AND DOWN. WE CAN DO THIS CYNTHIA BUT WE HAVE TO WANT IT MORE THAN THE FOOD.

    I'M PRAYING FOR YOU SWEETIE SO YOU CAN GET THROUGH ALL YOUR SURGERIES AND BE IN LESS PAIN.

    HUGS
    3290 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    Mad enough to take back control. If it takes anger, then so be it. But think of the delight you'll experience when you are back to controlling that which has been eluding you. Pick an item...any one...and decide it won't happen. Decide you will draw on your strength and that of your friends to support and encourage you. I think you have pinpointed the issue, not just for you but for others - me? - also.

    Let's tackle this bear at the edge of the cliff. He goes over...not us.
    3290 days ago
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