Unhappy and Stuffing my Face
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I've never before been "an emotional eater"...someone who comforts themselves with food. I've always overeaten out of simple gluttony: because it tastes so good! OR because I've been on steroids or other drugs that make me constantly ravenous. But lately there has been a change.
I have a history of ED...(Eating Disorder...in my case: anorexia) and historically in my lifetime, when I get a bit overweight...I have iron control over my appetite..and would restrict and exercise until the weight was gone. But then came steorids. And psychotropics medications. And suddenly the control was wrested from my hands. I found myself powerless it seemed to lose weight. And this powerlessness was HUGELY frightening for me as a person who still thinks like an anorexic.
So last year, after my weight rose to what was for me, an unbelievable high of 220, I got some changes in my medication, dug down deep into my determination and worked HARD here at Spark...losing 60 pounds....and still needing to lose about 30 more. But those last thirty pounds eluded me. I worked out hard daily...I watched carefully what i ate...and that doggone plateau refused to budge. Month after month it lasted...And more and more I panicked. My new found control was failing me!
Little by little, I gave up hope. And little by little, I relaxed my efforts. And more and more, I reached for more food. Until now, almost a year later, I'm once more looking at my ever expanding body with disgust. I've gained at least 20 pounds..probably closer to 25 from my lowest weight last year....and worse, I JUST CAN'T STOP EATING.
And I've found myself having mini binges....Or returning time and time again to the kitchen in the middle of the night....and now even during the daytime, when previously I would eat very little during the day. And I"ve had to ask myself, "WHY??"
True I've spent the last nine days back on steroids. But what about the weeks prior to that?? I've been an eating machine!! And today it finally dawned on me. (DUH!) ...
My marriage- never a good one- has become unbearable. I"m being abused verbally and emotionally by my husband who is constantly in a rage...And my health is completely unraveling - I'm currently on the path to at least five more joint replacement surgeries and probably more. The Asthma is once more completely out of control...etc etc. NOTHIGN IN MY LIFE IS UNDER MY CONTROL
As a person who does not feel safe when things are out of her hands...This is not a good sign. And I've run to food for comfort...I'm very unhappy right now...about my body image...about my marriage...about my deteriorating health. And eating something makes me "happy" if only for a few seconds. And this makes NO sense...because by eating I am only making each of my problems worse!
So what would help me to break out of this destructive downhill slide?
I think I need to get mad.
Mad at the things in my life that just plain suck.
Mad at the people who are making them suck.
Mad at the food for lying to me.
and Mad at being the helpless victim.
Mad enough to change things.