A Stumble, A Wander, A Falter--A Decision
Monday, October 03, 2011
For the past two days...I've been HUNGRY it seems -- all the time.
And I haven't exercised --at all.
As I look back I have to ask myself, "What happened?"
And once more, I find myself on the dreaded, evil drug: Prednisone. A steroid guaranteed to make me feel famished ALL THE TIME, (regardless of how full I actually am).
Guaranteed to keep me up all night (as it is doing tonight)
Guaranteed to make me depressed and irritable...and soon, maybe psychotic.
These are just a very few of the lovely side effects I get from these drugs.
I HATE STEROIDS.
Let me reiterate that Just in case you missed it: Steroids. Me. HATE!!
of course, they've saved my life; multiple times. And the worst kind is Solule Medrol...an IV form of them which gets dumped into my veins once Prednisone has failed to do its work...And THAT has led me to be in a wheelchair for two years at one point because of the damage it does to my muscles. And it caused me to stuff myself until I'd gained 90 pounds two years ago. from 130 to 220. BAM!
And slowly , painfully I'd lost 60 pounds of that weight. Until a couple of weeks ago when prednisone happened once more...And my weight has crept up to 183. Now I'm not excusing myself...but ask ANYONE who has ever had significant experience with corticosteroids and they will tell you: it's almost impossible not to gain weight while on them. They cause fluid retention. Fat redistribution to the stomach and face (JUST WHERE I WANT TO BE FAT, don't you too??), horrible insatiable hunger; just to mention a few of the consequences and side effects.
Now the asthma made it impossible to exercise. And the treatment makes me fat.
So the question is -- as I sit here having consumed the leftovers from dinnertime's Apple Crisp...which I made because my daughter and her boyfriend were here for dinner-- What am I going to do with this situation?
I've already done the knee-jerk response: eat, sit on my butt, feel sorry for myself...
But I know where that all leads. And i really truly do NOT want to go there.
So the question is how to stop this snowball once it's been tossed down the mountain...before it becomes an avalanche of failure.
Well, for one, I can exercise...even if it's just a LITTLE. I can certainly do a nebulizer treatment and then go for a walk, right?? And what about yoga and strength training. THAT doesn't take much breath...IN FACT yoga breathing can only help...And even the ergometer...it's actually even safer than a walk...because should I run into a problem..I'm here at home...not a mile down a hilly road. AND it can be done at any speed.
I've already proved last year that the one thing which will help asthmatic lungs is, paradoxically: exercise! STRESSING those lungs a little at a time...Making demands of them greater than their capacity...challenging them...I found IT WORKS. Even when last year I'd asked my pulmonologist about what kind of exercise I could tolerate and he said very emphatically. "NONE...ANY extra stress on your lungs will kill you."
what did I go home and do? Set about to prove him wrong.
Was it hard? You betcha. Terrifying? Yessiree. And can I do it again ...having slid back into the self indulgent, lazy, sedentary self that can so easily occur with chronic, permanent illness....?
Well, I've always been (traditionally) very self disciiplined and self motivated...a high achiever...And stubborn as all heck. Certainly those qualities have not evaporated...merely been buried in a mound of flesh and misfortune.
Time to dig down deep, Cynthia....time to take that self who never, ever listened to the words, "NO, and NEVER" but set about to prove them wrong ...and generally was successful at that in every occasion I can think of.
My life has been more mountainous that the Rockies..with deep valleys and high highs. Well, I've spent enough time this past year in the valley. Time to put on my hiking shoes and head for those peaks again. There are so many areas in my life right now that this could apply to. Finances. Marriage. Faith. Stamina and weight. All of them need an injection of hope and energy.
Pain and illness have sapped me of the strength I am so badly needing right now. And as I head into my next five major joint replacement surgeries....I'm going to need all of the faith and energy I can summon...or be blessed with from above.
And I need a running start. I really do.
So put on those Sauconies and get yourself jogging and then sprinting ...you have a big vault ahead...you won't clear it by crawling.