It's time for me to do a little personal therapy. This is what I do here. Writing here just makes me feel accountable in some way. I know it might sound silly, but that is why I'm warning you. No one has to read this. I just need to write it for me. Thank you Sparkpeople for giving me this outlet. A lot cheaper than a real therapist.
I last wrote in April, after getting out of the hospital. My mother-in-law passed away a week after I wrote. I know she is resting in peace now. She sure left me with a lot of stuff..... emotional, material, physical.
A whole house that contained 40 years of my in-laws things. None of their other 5 kids wanted anything. That was just hard for me to wrap my head around. So many nice things and no one wanted any of it. What were WE (my husband and I) to do with it all? WE had to do something as we were going to be purchasing the house and moving OUR belongings in. This took a huge toll on me. I just was so worried about making the wrong decisions on things and upsetting people. It has just been a mess and not settled yet. I'm praying that by the end of October it will be a done deal. I guess I would sound a little more excited if I wanted to move into the house. I've just got issues and I'm not even sure I can put them into words. I PRAY that I'll some how resolve them and then I'll be able to settle down and function.
While that has been going on I also have my elderly mother who is in poor physical health, but she is mentally strong (headed). She is 85 and lives by herself. She is a fall risk. I've gone to visit in the past and found her on the floor twice. My sister and I have finally been able to get her to agree to at least move near one of us. She is just shy of being a "hoarder".
The task ahead to clear out her house, as she fights us along the way is nothing to look forward to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and will do anything for her. The guilt our parents can put upon us. I hope I learn NOT to do the same to my own boys.
My father-in-law is in the hospital right now. He has had 2 back surgeries and one staph infection now. He's having a rough time..... We are caring for him while he's in the hospital.
My boys. I have twin sons that are 22 now. Wonderful boys! They are what keeps me here on this earth some days. Sure, they could be a tad bit more independent. I hear that boys maturity doesn't fully kick in until 25. So I'll just be waiting and enjoying them. I love them so very much!
I just counted and there are like 10 other people that I'm taking care of. Maybe not physically but, their lives are intertwined with mine and because of my nature to "take care" of others........ Always worried about THEIR feelings and needs. I have decided it's like there is a Totem Pole and I've put myself down at the bottom. NOT where I should or need to be.
So TODAY I have gone back and re-read all of my posts here from day one until the last one I did in April after just coming out of the hospital due to lack of care for MYSELF. TODAY is the day that I start making my way to the top again. I want to feel good. I want to come here and visit with my SPARK friends and get the support that all of them are so wonderful at giving me and helping me. I KNOW the tools that I have and need to utilize. So it's now that I turn off this computer and go step on the scale. I have no idea what it's going to tell me, but it's okay. No matter what it says....I WILL make changes. I'll go fill up my water bottle and start moving around........maybe go for a walk.
Thanks for the Therapy. I'll see you next week.