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Time for Therapy

Friday, October 14, 2011

emoticon It's time for me to do a little personal therapy. This is what I do here. Writing here just makes me feel accountable in some way. I know it might sound silly, but that is why I'm warning you. No one has to read this. I just need to write it for me. Thank you Sparkpeople for giving me this outlet. A lot cheaper than a real therapist. emoticon

I last wrote in April, after getting out of the hospital. My mother-in-law passed away a week after I wrote. I know she is resting in peace now. She sure left me with a lot of stuff..... emotional, material, physical.

A whole house that contained 40 years of my in-laws things. None of their other 5 kids wanted anything. That was just hard for me to wrap my head around. So many nice things and no one wanted any of it. What were WE (my husband and I) to do with it all? WE had to do something as we were going to be purchasing the house and moving OUR belongings in. This took a huge toll on me. I just was so worried about making the wrong decisions on things and upsetting people. It has just been a mess and not settled yet. I'm praying that by the end of October it will be a done deal. I guess I would sound a little more excited if I wanted to move into the house. I've just got issues and I'm not even sure I can put them into words. I PRAY that I'll some how resolve them and then I'll be able to settle down and function.

While that has been going on I also have my elderly mother who is in poor physical health, but she is mentally strong (headed). She is 85 and lives by herself. She is a fall risk. I've gone to visit in the past and found her on the floor twice. My sister and I have finally been able to get her to agree to at least move near one of us. She is just shy of being a "hoarder". emoticon The task ahead to clear out her house, as she fights us along the way is nothing to look forward to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and will do anything for her. The guilt our parents can put upon us. I hope I learn NOT to do the same to my own boys.

My father-in-law is in the hospital right now. He has had 2 back surgeries and one staph infection now. He's having a rough time..... We are caring for him while he's in the hospital.

My boys. I have twin sons that are 22 now. Wonderful boys! They are what keeps me here on this earth some days. Sure, they could be a tad bit more independent. I hear that boys maturity doesn't fully kick in until 25. So I'll just be waiting and enjoying them. I love them so very much!

I just counted and there are like 10 other people that I'm taking care of. Maybe not physically but, their lives are intertwined with mine and because of my nature to "take care" of others........ Always worried about THEIR feelings and needs. I have decided it's like there is a Totem Pole and I've put myself down at the bottom. NOT where I should or need to be.

So TODAY I have gone back and re-read all of my posts here from day one until the last one I did in April after just coming out of the hospital due to lack of care for MYSELF. TODAY is the day that I start making my way to the top again. I want to feel good. I want to come here and visit with my SPARK friends and get the support that all of them are so wonderful at giving me and helping me. I KNOW the tools that I have and need to utilize. So it's now that I turn off this computer and go step on the scale. I have no idea what it's going to tell me, but it's okay. No matter what it says....I WILL make changes. I'll go fill up my water bottle and start moving around........maybe go for a walk.

Thanks for the Therapy. I'll see you next week.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KITKAT1982
    Wow, you have so much on your plate presently...and are probably the type of person that is always heavily involved in family...friends...and putting everyone else first. So first of all((((hugs))))))...Venting and putting it on paper is a great idea.

    I just finished reading a book which asked me to: "write a list of everyone who is important(hugely) in your life - top 3 or 4 people"...

    I answered: ds, dd, and dh, and my mum(all equally important)

    The book then said.... now if your name isn't at the top of your list re-write it and put it at the top in the #1 spot....

    ...So I did) Easy to say not always easy to do.

    Finding balance and time for me is so very hard, but I find I am better to everyone else when I do ...I realize how hard this can be when life seems to pile on far more than one person needs(and you sound like you have a boat load of extra concerns all overlapping presently). Wishing you well and wishing you happy...and after reading your message on the chat board today...wishing you yummy safe soup for comfort. emoticon
    3328 days ago
    If you don't take care of you, you won't have anyone to BE for them, dear one. I am so proud of you for taking care of YOU now. You have so many demands upon your life. You are only one person. You cannot do the work of a dozen people. Elicit help! Delegate. Call in the troops. Hand off some of the responsibilities for a few hours a week so that you can tend to YOU. YOU are important! Bravo for you!!!
    3333 days ago
    Thank you Sarah! emoticon You were exactly right in every word that you wrote. Right on the money about our elders growing up in the Depression Era with nothing and struggling so much. They do treasure everything. I mean everything. It was a struggle for my mother to FINALLY part with Planters Peanut jars that she had has stored for 20 years. I've been watching the show "Hoarders" on A&E and learning a little better on how to handle this. I never want to disrespect my elders in any way, but there are only so many empty gallon milk jugs a person can have.
    Thanks to my Sparkies I'm feeling strong and ready to tackle whatever comes my way...... emoticon Stay tuned! emoticon
    3333 days ago
    WAy to go! I'm so excited for you and your decision to put yourself first. It has to be done. Before we can care for anyone else adequately, we must take care of ourselves or we won't be around long enough to help anyone.
    I hear you on the "stuff." That generation (like my grandparents) tend to be pack rats because they lived during WWII (I'm guessing). THey didn't always have much and worried they would lose things, so they kept everything.
    In some ways I wish we could be more like them because the younger generations waste SO MUCH and things just are made (quality) like they used to be.
    You are in my prayers as you go through this journey. It is a life long process and you are on the right track.
    Love and prayers,
    3333 days ago
    Thank you for your encouragement AMAS92568. I have made it through major brain surgery in 2002. I am a survivor. I just learned that my neurosurgeon recently passed away. I was devastated for a moment and then I realized just how disappointed my doctor would be in me if he knew that I was not continuing to do my best. My brain surgery was 12 hrs. and he told me how I wore him out. lol I will NOT waste the life that he and God have given me just because others have needs and issues. I have to take care of MYSELF first.

    You have beautiful niece and nephew! May God continue to bless your family.

    Thanks again.......Cheryl
    3334 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/15/2011 11:35:39 AM
  • AMAS92568
    You have a lot going on in your life. It's great that you are taking time out for yourself, whether it's blog it all down or go for a walk. You have so many things going on, yet you seem pretty upbeat.

    As for all the nice things in your m-in-l's house...do the best you can and if later somebody is upset that something is gone, that's their problem.

    3334 days ago
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