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Unhealthy in a Health Food Store

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Today I went into my favorite place on earth (I have not yet been to many places :) )--It's a large heatlh food store about an hour from my home that has every conceivable product one could want for just about any diet; and products ranging from household cleaners to make up and perfume and pet care. The place was PACKED...It's always busy but it was literally hard to navigate an aisle, there were so many shoppers crowded in there. As I walked around, struggling to walk, as is always the case for me now and trying hard to ignore a persistent tremor in my hands and head that I've been unable to control...due to pressure on my nerve roots in my Cervical Spine due to severe damage being done to my spine by PA- Psoriatic Arthritis; a disease that is rapidly destroying my body.

I walked around and looked at the faces and the bodies around me. The vast majority of them glowed with that radiance that good health and good food impart so unmistakeably. Their figures were trim and usually well built and muscled. I looked down at my body which has continued to swell and gain enormous amounts of weight--close to 40 pounds regained since my lowest weight at Spark. I honestly do not eat a lot. I honestly do NOT always make good food choices...but even so, rarely eat what could be called "junk". However I'm about as sedentary as one can get without being completely bedridden.

As I shopped my anxiety grew and so did my desperation....Desperation to get out of that store NOW. Part of this was my discomfort due to the comparison between me and the other shoppers, Part of it was due to the fact that I feared I might start to cry because of the persistent thought that I WAS ONE OF THESE PEOPLE...had that glow; weighed 120 pounds...and it was less than four years ago! When I looked at the devastation that ill health has brought to my body, the realization of how far I've fallen was really hard to bear. And the third part of my desperation to leave was pure social anxiety... the crowds in that store were really just too much for me. HOwever, I'd wanted and begged to be taken there for months now...and this was the first time in close to two years, (since I had to stop driving) that I'd been there. I am severely running low on a number of products which can only be gotten there....So I forced myself to focus only on the shelves and to not look at anyone else except for what I needed to see to avoid hitting someone with my cart.

I got the basics from my list...and treated myself to my favorite tea: Republic of Tea's : Blackberry Sage Black Tea....even though the little can of loose tea was $8.00. I paid for my purchases with shaking hands and made myself scarce as quickly as my stiff legs could carry me out the door. For sure: if I ever go there again, it will NOT be on a Saturday.

Self pity is something I can't stand...and which I do not normally permit myself. But today it slammed me over the head uninvited and unanticipated. But even so, it was not so much self pity as a deep aching sadness for what I've lost...and the weight I've gained.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so, so sorry for the pain you're in! I'm with Linda on exhausting all doctors and treatments possible. I know what it's like to be in so much pain that you just want to curl up and not deal - but I hope you have a support system in local friends/relatives that can help you. If you lived near by I'd help you get to where you needed to go! My prayers are with you. May God lead you to the doctors that can heal you.

    God Bless.
    3230 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    And as your friend I can only share in your disappointment (deliberately understated!) that your body has turned against you. I know only too well what it is like to feel so out of place amidst healthy peers; peers whose losses are not as visible as yours. I pray that acceptance will be yours and that your pain will be less intolerable. You have brought me to tears as I worry with and for you. Take care my friend. Your Heavenly Father is on this journey with you and when all is in a state of despair He carries you toward the finish line.

    hugs and blessings,

    3230 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So very sorry this disease is wreaking such enormous havoc on you system wide :( It is a slap upside the face to see all these normal, healthy people and realize this will never be the case for you unless they can do some kind of surgery to release those pinched nerves in the neck and it seems like it should be emergency surgery. Have all specialists in that area been consulted? It may even be worth it for experimental surgery.
    Have all the avenues of medicines been tried? It seems strange there isn't something out there to arrest this disease in some way..
    The only thing you can do is focus on the things that give you pleasure in life such as the items you bought from that store. You can't help your body as it is now. You can only do what your body will allow. Keep your mind busy, and if there are any chair exercises you can perform, try them. I am concerned with the exercise lay off I will have with this hip replacement (Thursday) and that it might mean I may have to give up my favorite form of exercise in the future of kickboxing, but that means I will just have to find something else as I had to do so many times when a door shuts in my face.
    Focus on the can do's -like your art and other creative outlets that give you pleasure..
    My thoughts and feelings are with you,
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3233 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    I am so sorry love that it has come to this.
    Is there nothing that can be done to help you?
    You are so young yet .. and this is horendous for you to be going through all this .
    My Prayers and Love are with you my friend .
    Hugs and Love Susie

    emoticon emoticon
    3234 days ago
    yes, Susie, I was supposed to have a shoulder replacement on the 8th, however I've indefinitely postponed both shoulder replacements....and instead am only going for arthroscopic surgery on my left elbow on the 29th of this month....to try to buy time before needing to replace the elbow joint--because that surgery typically only lasts a short time before needing to have it redone...and they want to hold off on it as long as possible. I've decided that "enough is enough" in terms of the chase to keep on top of a disease that is obviously winning. My cervical spine is in very bad shape...the facet spaces where nerves pass through from the spine to the body...are almost completely pinched off and nerves are being severely compressed....Because this damage is taking place at the very highest levels in my neck, this is a serious threat because of the involvement of the autonomic nervous system at those levels.
    3234 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Cynthia I am so sorry that you are in such trouble !! .
    I wasn't expecting to hear from you just yet, as I thought you had surgery scheduled for your shoulder on the 8th of November ...
    I am hearing your pain and dispair my friend, and I am sending loving thoughts and prayers .
    I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through.
    How did it come to this so quickly ??. Have you had more problems, or is this what the end result of your medical position is ?

    Love and Hugs Susie
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3234 days ago
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