Unhealthy in a Health Food Store
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Today I went into my favorite place on earth (I have not yet been to many places :) )--It's a large heatlh food store about an hour from my home that has every conceivable product one could want for just about any diet; and products ranging from household cleaners to make up and perfume and pet care. The place was PACKED...It's always busy but it was literally hard to navigate an aisle, there were so many shoppers crowded in there. As I walked around, struggling to walk, as is always the case for me now and trying hard to ignore a persistent tremor in my hands and head that I've been unable to control...due to pressure on my nerve roots in my Cervical Spine due to severe damage being done to my spine by PA- Psoriatic Arthritis; a disease that is rapidly destroying my body.
I walked around and looked at the faces and the bodies around me. The vast majority of them glowed with that radiance that good health and good food impart so unmistakeably. Their figures were trim and usually well built and muscled. I looked down at my body which has continued to swell and gain enormous amounts of weight--close to 40 pounds regained since my lowest weight at Spark. I honestly do not eat a lot. I honestly do NOT always make good food choices...but even so, rarely eat what could be called "junk". However I'm about as sedentary as one can get without being completely bedridden.
As I shopped my anxiety grew and so did my desperation....Desperation to get out of that store NOW. Part of this was my discomfort due to the comparison between me and the other shoppers, Part of it was due to the fact that I feared I might start to cry because of the persistent thought that I WAS ONE OF THESE PEOPLE...had that glow; weighed 120 pounds...and it was less than four years ago! When I looked at the devastation that ill health has brought to my body, the realization of how far I've fallen was really hard to bear. And the third part of my desperation to leave was pure social anxiety... the crowds in that store were really just too much for me. HOwever, I'd wanted and begged to be taken there for months now...and this was the first time in close to two years, (since I had to stop driving) that I'd been there. I am severely running low on a number of products which can only be gotten there....So I forced myself to focus only on the shelves and to not look at anyone else except for what I needed to see to avoid hitting someone with my cart.
I got the basics from my list...and treated myself to my favorite tea: Republic of Tea's : Blackberry Sage Black Tea....even though the little can of loose tea was $8.00. I paid for my purchases with shaking hands and made myself scarce as quickly as my stiff legs could carry me out the door. For sure: if I ever go there again, it will NOT be on a Saturday.
Self pity is something I can't stand...and which I do not normally permit myself. But today it slammed me over the head uninvited and unanticipated. But even so, it was not so much self pity as a deep aching sadness for what I've lost...and the weight I've gained.