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A Hug and a Cookie--and a Swift Kick in the Pants

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

this warm winter has me thinking spring...and walking outdoors...and maybe having another herb garden (even though every year I really am convinced will be my last one)...made me think of next summer and swimsuits...Even though last year was a total bomb in those regards I'm very much determined that this year will more resemble 2010 than 2011...I was on my game in 2010...I started out in the pits and weighing more than twice what i should but worked hard and felt GOOD working hard and seeing results....losing close to 70 pounds in the year....

But I can' t look back at that year...it is gone..the weight is (a lot of it) back...my body is very much worse off physically than it was back then. True, I have two new hips...but now need two new shoulders and two new elbows as well...This will put a definite damper on weight lifting...but it won't stop me from walking. I think back to early in 2010 when my pulmonologist told me sternly that my body would not tolerate any exercise at all..that stressing my lungs further would kill me...but that "walking may be my walkway to life"...and so that 's what i did...

And now I'm very much in the same shape I was back then...only with new joints gone by the wayside. But I"m a lot smarter than I was back then...You see, I've been a Sparkaholic for the past two years. And I've absorbed a lot of knowledge in that time..but it's not the knowledge that is important...It's the INSIGHT or the knowledge of my self that is what will get me through this next challenging year. It's having a better idea of where my weaknesses are ...and what my strengths are (going the second mile: strength. ....carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream: weakness) lol...I know that getting an early start...and a strong start to my day will set the tone for the whole day. I Know that the hardest time for me not to eat is during the long sleepless nights I have due to pain....Eating is my bandaid ....it's the expression of my attempts to self-comfort and my attempt to give myself consolation....(POOOOr Cinny!!!)

I also know that I tend to be really hard on myself...and not too good at taking care of myself beyond the bad methods of making myself feel better...(much like my mom did...Fall down?? Here' have a cookie and hug and all will be right with the world again) So when I "fall down"? I eat a box of cookies and skip the hug and instead kick myself around the block for my failure.

And if I can't do the very best I could possibly do (with a healthy 30 year old body that is marvelously in shape) than I do not credit myself with ANY success or victory --(-done with this sick, 49 year old marvelously OUT of shape body.) I know that one of my greatest needs is to take pleasure in ANY step in the right direction....who cares if it's not the "giant leap for mankind" that I was hoping for? I have not yet assimilated the fact that I will not this year, nor next, be winning the Nobel prize or getting a gold in the Olympic Triathlon. But at least NOW I understand my propensity to have unreasonable expectations of myself. I know my NEED to have small victories acknowledge by MYSELF...and rewarded....and NOT with a cookie.

I know more definitely where my REAL weaknesses are...and they are not in my quads or abs...but in my wounded self-pride and squashed aspirations. I know that I have never ever learned to hear and receive a compliment...ANY compliment...if it is for something that I consider to be insignificant or mistaken (which means for anything SHORT of or other than that Nobel Prize and Triathlon.) Nothing but the very best counts. Which is precisely why my weight has NEVER ever been acceptable...unless it was in the mid 80's range. yep. you heard right. NO excuses accepted...Nothing less than A+'s and first places....at everything and anything I did.

Problem was : I got schizophrenia in my freshman year of college and my aspirations took a hard nose dive into an empty concrete pool.. And then having found and maintained stasis in that regard, my body became severely ill with asthma and multiple other problems topping off with Psoriatic Arthritis which has put the kabosch on all my other dreams...and now each day is spent hobbling around trying not to whine about the pain I'm in And more and more frequently you could find me arm into a box of Cheesits up to my elbow...and the pounds crept on higher and bigger... Yep have another cookie...

time now to take the hugs....And SKIP the cookies.
to be proud of my victories...even teeny tiny ones...like this week's increase from a weak start on the treadmill of 5 minutes...to a little better time of 22 minutes today....And to feel GOOD about that...REALLY good. DO you know how hard that is?? how hard not to poohpooh it...because it isn't anything like what I used to do and what I still want to do?? maybe you do....Maybe you've fallen into your own concrete pools. if so ..you have a clue. And maybe you struggle too...

And that's one of the sweet things I've found here on this site...For as different as our struggles are...they are very very much the same.

You lack motivation??
I've got some of that...Some enthusiasm and determination.

NoW all I need is to be nicer to the sick and disappointing body I'm stuck in...with all this go get em...but no get up and go. so you have lots of get up and go...but no go get em?? I'll help you and you help me...

And together we'll get 'er done.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RGEETING
    Wow! You've learned so much about yourself these past two years... I'm still learning.

    I also know what it's like to be a high achiever . . . and see the 1% constructive criticism and totally ignore the 99% encouragement, compliments, etc.

    But we learn, eh?

    May this new year continue your journey and may it be filled with joy!
    3172 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Well done! 22 minutes on the treadmill is fantastic!! Its amazing you could do it safely at all!! Speaking as a person with my arm up into Baked Cheetos Crunchies I can't be a good example right now, and I have no where near the problems you have. As I have told others who have now told me back -ditch all the junk. Don't bring it into the house to tempt you.
    I agree with others who say spread out your exercise throughout the day. I can imagine you are probably feeling it after being on the treadmill. Its better for revving up the metabolism to have little bouts of activity throughout the day, and frequent rests inbetween.
    Keep on keeping on the best you can do. You are worth it!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3174 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10895053
    Oh Cyn, our dear friend, we all have struggles of all kinds and we're all in this journey together. Oh, thank goodness for that! i know, what on earth do we ever find to replace the cookies and the Cheez-its and the ice cream?! Sometimes I just don't know either, so I grab for the bag (!!!!!) of Cheetos, just anything that wouldn't be healthy! Yes, we've all been there and always will be because we now realize that our life's journey isn't always perfect, just like in real life!!! But we have our dear SP friends to help us see other avenues and they sometimes don't even know how much they're helping us either! Like you with your 22 min. of treadmill. There's no way I would even think of that! I can hardly do 10 min. of hard walking. See how you've inspired me to try harder? I'm loving the Cutie Clementines this time of the year and you can really get your fruit in for the day with them and they're so easy to peel for us arthritis sufferers! And so yummy and not on the sour side! Take care and remember that we're all here for you! You know that if I could be with you in person, I'd give you a real hug but these virtual hugs are pretty awesome too! You know that the person took the time to click on it! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3174 days ago
  • HEALTHY4ME
    OH cyn does arthritis go with the name cindy... my knees are bone on bone and my back has herniations etc. so I hear you on the be kind and love the body then help it get better gently.
    HHUGS now out of the cookies, I gave you a hug!!! lol emoticon
    3174 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Hi Cyn, Nice to see you back and sounding so much more positive .. 22 minutes on the Tready is awesome..
    I agree sometimes we do set our expectation way to high the intention's are there but our bodies can't cope.
    I find it much easier to exercise in small doses less risk of injury and when we do our exercise it is much better to vary it rather that do much of one thing ..
    I have been learning all this on my journey as I tend to just keep going on one thing then I am sore ..
    Baby Steps again my friend Love and Hugs Susie
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3174 days ago
  • DANMAR1
    22 minutes on a treadmill!!! That is fantastic!!! At this point I could not step up on the treadmill and then if I did when it started I'd fly off the back..LOL Dear friend all you would have to do is put me next to you to compare and you'd look like a pro..and you would then appreciate how wonderful you are REALLY doing. This may sound strange but I hope this picture of the 2 of us could help you see how WONDERFUL you are really doing. Please do not be so hard on yourself..I have a saying "don't should on yourself". Beating yourself up for what you think you should have been able to do etc...it will wear you out and we have to guard our limited energy bucket. Some days just showing up should count as extra credit. I hope you can hear my concern for you in my weird way of looking at things. emoticon emoticon
    3174 days ago
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