Rocky Road is NOT just an Ice Cream Flavor!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
This has been a tough month. Hard in the sense that pain has been intense. Discouraging in some respects as I've been working much harder at the Spark Program and seeing some Gains rather than Losses in the weight department ...However the news "inch-wise" is much brighter so maybe I've just got heavy muscles...lol.
It's also been hard because I've been struggling with an illness that I do not talk much about here on Spark, although I did confess to having it in one blog post quite a while back. I have schizophrenia. And before you freak out, let me explain that SZ is an organic brain disease...just as certainly as a brain tumor is physical in origin and can cause behavior or thought disorder, so too, is and can SZ.
Normally I'm pretty much under control with medication, my symptoms are there, but at a manageable level. However for some inexplicable reason, the meds have stopped working in the past month or two...and the road has become pretty rocky since then. I've been struggling with hallucinations (experiencing things with my four senses which really arent' there) and delusions (having thoughts or beliefs which are not based on true ideas.) and paranoia (believing that a person or group of people are out to harm me in some way) as well as negative symptoms (having little or no energy or motivation)
I'm beginning I think to pull out of my tailspin. The doctor has made all the med adjustments she can safely make with me as an outpatient and has been trying to talk me into signing myself into the hospital so that a more massive overhaul can be attempted on my meds. I for one, aside from the fact that I HATE the hospital, am quite hesitant to do this because there is a rather large risk that a new balance may not be achievable and I could possibly end up with a room with my name on a plaque on the door. NOPE. Not going there.
But I'm not just resisting because I "don't wanna go." I'm hesitant to take such drastic measures when I AM seeing signs of improvement. Things were decidedly weird for a while. And now are just mildly "unusual". I'm hopeful that soon they will be back to my boring old "normal" before long. And if not, well, the hospital is not going anywhere.
I"m excited to learn that I've been voted as a motivational member for Spark. This is doubly exciting because ,as the Team for those wiht Disabilities can attest...when I started at Spark, I was one of the most negative people you'd ever not want to meet. Not only was the glass half empty...it WAS empty and not only that, Someone stole my glass as well. I still can work out a good whine now and then, especially when I 'm in such pain I can't see or think straight, but more and more I'm learning to take even that in stride. Now if I can only figure out a better answer to the question "how are you?" than "Hanging in there."...then I'll be well on my way to optimism and having a positive outlook.
People here at Spark People have blessed me over and over again and again with their friendship., advice and love. I owe huge debts to people like SusiePH1, VXWALL, LINDA_, JUDITH316, CONTENTCHRIS, WETMAC, NEUTRALHILLS, KASYCOFF, and gosh I should NOT have started naming names becasue I"m SURE to leave out someone major ...so If I"ve forgotten you...you know who you are and you know your name belongs here...so this ;THANK YOU goes to you too!
Anyway, this is not a graduation address! Shoot, I'm back in the beginning of the race...but not really, because, I may have some extra weight to be rid of, but I"m ALREADY rid of so much extra BAGGAGE that it's unreal. My attitude has been adjusted and readjusted. My inner vision has been checked and now wears the appropriate lenses to help me see clearly. My rear end wears shoe prints from having my butt kicked so many times, (and NEVER unnecessarily!) , I already am familiar with the friendly burst of endorphins which come after a hard workout; I'm already a friend of exercise...it is not my enemy anymore. NOPE, I"VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!!..................And still have a long long way to go. But I'm so glad you all are coming along with me!