Slurpin' that "Happy Juice"
Friday, January 20, 2012
This week I was voted a “Motivational Member” of Spark People.com. I was quite shocked honestly to receive such an honor...Most people who are voted to that position have lost prodigious amounts of weight, have kept it off, religiously exercise and eat well, and are (pardon me) positive to a fault. I don't think I fit into any of those categories.
True, I HAD lost a great deal of weight but two major surgeries later and a couple bouts of steroids; being almost bed bound with pain; and continuing my psych meds which pack on weight as do the pain killers I have to take---and the weight has, almost all of it, crept (no, “leapt” would, I think, be a better word) back. I struggle with negativity and to maintain a positive (and sane) outlook; eating? Well, it's either feast or famine...either I am eating well and healthfully...or snacking too much – or not eating at all. And such an erratic pattern I know, is not helpful to my metabolism...nor can my body rely on my providing it with the essential nutrients. And exercising? For years at a time I am often completely unable to do it. Now, once more, I am sloooowlly, painfully, and quite pathetically beginning once more to be regular but the amounts my hurting body is able to crank out are so so so minimal and I am SOO inactive at all non-workout times that I think even the SparkGuy would snicker secretly should he be privy to the record.
So why motivational?
Well, I have a very impressive “Story from Hell”....And most of you know it already...and if you don't...take a gander at my blog (listed on the main page's sidebar) and read some of the annals here. And I know, I know, a pathetic life story does NOT qualify one for being an icon of motivation.
BUT, Here's the secret:
I do not. And have not. QUIT.
In fact, that is my mantra (one of them) ; “Do not ever. Ever, EVER, EVER Quit!!!” And that is not to say that there have not been a surplus of roll-over-and-die moments. But I have a God who reaches out a hand,lifts me up and says softly, “Do you really want to do that?” Do I want to be at an end to this pain? You betcha. Am I ready whenever he should give the word, to join him in Heaven? Yessirree to that one too. But I am a firm believer that it is GOD's option to give the go ahead. It is HIS to determine when that moment is. “But okay,” I can hear someone suggest, “Can't you just like, put your feet up, hire a maid, and bury your head in a bag of potato chips?”
Yeah. I could.
But I'm cursed/blessed with this one trait. And that is Perseverance. And enough perfectionism to not allow myself to be anything but my best. (does that mean that I always wear makeup and comb my hair? Nope.) But it does mean that I could not sit down comfortably with myself for a cup of tea if I knew that I was slacking off or using my illnesses as excuses.
So, I keep at it.
Maybe it's pointless, senseless, masochistic. And DUMB to keep trying to be healthy in a body that is just determined to self-destruct. But I do.
Maybe it is ridiculous to “kick against the goads” (to borrow an expression from the King James' St Paul that I love) and keep trying to lose weight when I take handfuls of medicines which pack it on. But I do.
What do I get from all of my efforts?
I get nice strokes like a motivational member award.
I get lovely letters like I got yesterday asking me to share with her some advice and my “secrets.”
I get lots of friends here to encourage me to keep up the fight and whom I sometimes get to encourage also (and that feels more than a little good).
And I get a body that, while it is by no means in shape and by no means, trim...at least is not as huge as I certainly could let myself get to be. If I hadn't at probably five or six times in my life lost more than 50 pounds in a shot...well, I would weigh: hmmmmm close to 500 pounds. And I'm very proud to be able to say that I can still buy normal clothes in normal stores.
So if I could share another secret besides the Never, ever, EVER one it would be this
“Take tiny steps and suck the happy juice from every tiny advance and reward.”
And thank you Spark Peeps for this lovely bit of reward.