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Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I finally hit 10 pounds. Been so close for a couple weeks now but this past weekend I really punched up the workout intensity and was careful about food and this morning I broke through that 10 pound barrier. Start weight - 302 - today 291. 11 pounds and counting.

I guess I actually need to come up with a new goal/reward list! I finally have a need for it!

10 pounds - download album from iTunes (I got Beautiful History from Plumb, but I might splurge and go back and get something from Adele too... I worked extra hard for these 10!)
20 - Viva la Juicy fragrance (my fave and I have been out of it for a while now)
30 - L'Bri skincare system (this stuff is so good on my face... ahhhhhh)
40 - pedicure?
50 - a beautiful, girly dress. Something fun I can wear anytime, not just special occassions (if my weight goes close to my guesstimates I should reach this right around my birthday so maybe I can wear it for the first time on my birthday :)

You know, it's funny. The other day when I was able to jog for 20 minutes straight I cried (again) on the treadmill. My husband says I really would have been good on the Biggest Loser cuz I work like a mad-woman in the gym and I let my emotions overtake me - hard work and drama = good BL contestant! lol. Anyway, I cried because a few years ago I would have never thought within 2 or 3 weeks I could go from jogging 2 minutes to 20. If you don't push yourself you will NEVER know what you can accomplish! There is no staying in one place in life. If you aren't moving forward, then you are going backward. At least, that is how I see things right now. Mediocre and stagnant are NOT words I ever want to describe me. In fact the word, mediocre, actually makes me kind of mad. I just hate it.

Anyway, yes, last week when I got angry at myself for not pushing through the pain I went in the bathroom and sobbed. And this week I cried right there on the treadmill because I was so happy. I really believe much of the drama we see on the Biggest Loser is real. I am a thin, healthy, loving person, trapped inside a fat, unhealthy, and emotionally broken body. And as I go through this process of pushing myself to reach goals and better myself and be tough and not sweat the small stuff... well, a lot of emotional stuff is coming up. And I am not really sure how to deal with it. But one thing I do know is that I think much of it I have ALLOWED to eat at me year after year while I ATE everything else around me.

I move away to another country for missions work and when I get back my best friend "breaks up" with me because I didn't keep in enough contact while I was gone? Eat until I don't care about her anymore!

My uncle spreads ugly lies about me through my family? Eat until it doesn't hurt anymore!

Another uncle tries to steal my identity? Eat some more cuz I certainly wouldn't want to actually confront the problem!

I don't know why I had such a hard time with dealing with anything emotional. But the other day a friend was telling me that her twin boys. They were adopted from Russian when they were 2. The first 11 months of their lives they lived with their parents who were both alcoholics. Now they have personalities where they like to be in control and always like to know exactly what's going on. No suprises. They were told that it's because the boys had such a rough time those first few years. They were neglected and malnourished. So, deep down inside they have this fighting need to never be in an out of control environment again.

I think that's me too. I grew up in a loving home, with loving parents who never fought, at least not in front of me. They are still together and very happy and all my 5 siblings are very happy, well adjusted people as well. But then there's me. I grew up knowing that I was different with a connective tissue disease that caused indentations in my head and caused me to lose part of my hair and have a big scar down my forehead. Imagine going to school and knowing that if the wind blew the wrong way everyone would see that you are half bald! It caused me to feel different and I was so shy and withdrawn. I felt like life was controlled by everyone around me. How they thought about me, if they accepted me. Life was good if Lisa was my friend today and life was terrible if Kim rejected me today. And now, I like to be in control. I get anxious when things are out of control and if there isn't a plan, I don't wanna be a part of it. Planning is MY THING. When my trainer told me to just start running and do my best working up to my next 5k on March 10th, I freaked out. I needed a plan. And I was worried about it every single day until Danielle and another trainer sat down and wrote out a plan for me. It's like a calender so I know what to do every single day until the race. lol. And I still worry about the unknowns.

I am trying to work through this emotional stuff. I am working on my outside but when you break through that exterior, you start to get to the interior. It's the stuff that has formed who I am. Life's disappointments, pain, hurt, anger... and then self-loathing. I am trying to break it all down, work through it and hope that in the future, as I become more aware of how worthy I am of normal relationships where people respect me, I will begin to understand myself. I want to like that girl in the mirror again... or maybe even for the first time. But it won't be just because of my outer appearance but because of how hard I am working on the inside too.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, some deep stuff here, but so proud of you for working so hard on both the outside and the inside! Sometimes, working on the inside is not fun or easy or comfortable, but you are doing it! Keep up the GREAT work!
    3212 days ago
    The more you break through the hurt from the past, the easier it is to march into the future. Over the last few months I've been in an intensive counseling/recovery program. I've become much more self aware and realize I'm worth it.
    I'm proud of you for opening up. You've been through some super stressful trauma but there's hope. You CAN have a happy life. you CAN learn to love who you see in the mirror. It takes a lot of work but it happens. Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first for a while.
    It sounds like you're making some great progress. Don't ever give up!
    3213 days ago
    Oh honey, I felt your pain in school. The summer before I entered the 6th grade, I got lice REALLY bad (makes my head itch just thinking about it). My parents, not knowing what to do once the over-the-counter stuff didn't work, just decided to shave my head. It was humiliating. It was just weeks within school starting and they bought me a cheap wig to wear that didn't fool anyone. I was teased mercilessly and, already having a low self-esteem, it ripped me apart. One guy even ripped my wig off one day.

    The fortunate (?) thing about my childhood was that we moved...a LOT. So a few short short months after starting school, we moved to North Carolina. I went to school the first time without any head coverings and my hair looked like a very short boy's cut. I made up a story and told my new friends that my dad went on a rampage and shaved my hair off. I got questions but wasn't teased.

    When you're a child/teenager, that is part of life. Even those that seem to be in complete control are seeking affirmation from their peers. I wish I had someone in my life to give me that insight at that time, it might have made life easier.
    3214 days ago
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