I.Am.Struggling. It actually feels good to say, to own it, to acknowledge that things aren't where I thought or wanted them to be in this moment. Training for a marathon is a monumental undertaking for even the healthiest elite athletes. I knew it would be quadruple that for someone like me...heavy, semi-old and decrepit, and so desperately...S-L-O-W.
I have learned through the training for my two previous half-marathons, that diligence and commitment to training would be imperative for me to take on a full marathon. I knew that it would be time consuming and physically taxing, but I was not fully prepared for the sacrifices those around me would be forced to make as well, namely my children and husband, then secondarily, the state of disarray my home is in and size of my Everest-esque laundry pile, oy.
I had tried to factor in weeks that training would not go as planned, but missing two solid weeks to sickness has completely zapped the energy, distorted the focus, and erased the confidence that I had built up. The old enemies, fears and doubts about myself and my abilities have crept in through the tiniest crack in my resolve. They sneak in so small and quiet, almost undetectable...they lie in wait for just the right moment...and then before I even realize what has hit me, they are working tirelessly to hold me captive and debilitate me. Seeking to undo all God has so patiently been moving me towards for so long now. I have spent so many years afraid of what people think of me, afraid I am not good enough, doubting my worth and abilities...hiding from the very life I wanted to be living. Fear and doubt want to reclaim me...I cannot let that happen...how can two rough weeks be such a portal to this process?!
Just when I began to feel the immobilization setting in, God was so faithful to provide me(as He always does) with a message...a personal word for me, from Him...on Facebook. Yes, that's right...God is on Facebook ya'll. This is what He said in the form of an inspirational quote, unknown author, through a friends FB page: "It is better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all and wondered what if. Thank God for successes and failures!"
I had already begun the process of reasoning myself out of attempting to reach this goal I had set for myself, been working towards...for years really. God's timing has been much different than the timing I have wished for in my own thinking. I have been frustrated and angry about that very thing several times in the past, but God was so good to keep me from being foolish and hurting myself when I was really not ready, mentally or physically, to take this on. In 2010 I was so stubborn and disobedient to the guidance God had given me in regards to the full-mary, that it took a severe case of plantar fasciitis to get my attention. God didn't make that happen, but He did allow it to happen....in order to keep me from completely crippling my fool self and likely experiencing a level of defeat that would have completely undone me altogether. I was beginning to feel the same way about this race. That possibly God was gently telling me...not now. But after reading that and after several other little messages He has gotten to me in the past few days, I am fairly certain in what I have felt since I started training this time....THIS is it. I try to seek God's will for my life before striking out on these crazy tangents anymore, I fail to do it as much as I succeed at it, but I prayed long and hard before I got my mind and heart set on 2012, and it truly seems in line with God's will.
I have to try. I want to try. I do not want fear of failure to be what I allow to keep me from trying. I do not want to let a fear of not finishing, keep me from being there to move at the herald of the starting gun. I have faith that this is where I am meant to be headed. I have faith and believe in the power of Phillipians 4:13 " I CAN do all things, through Christ who strengthens me." I am equipped to battle both fear and doubt like I have never been prepared to before. The truths that I learned in my Made to Crave bible study recently are still at play in my life right now. I am made for more...more than giving up on the life I want because I let the lies told by fear and doubt convince me to do so. Through Him, I am strong enough to pick up where I left off and keep moving to the finish line. I will have to work harder and longer than most, but I CAN do this. I need to hone my mental edge to it's original sharpness and that will only come with getting back out there. I am ready. I just have to relax and trust the process and be flexible with whatever it may bring. I must rely on my faith. Mountain...you better get ready to move.
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. NOTHING will be impossible for you." ~ Matthew 17:20