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I Kinda Gotta

Monday, February 13, 2012

It's a shame that two years into the game and many miles down the road; I find myself once more at "Square One." My health is a wreck....and as a result of that and of the damages of the steroids I must take in order to breathe...I have regained about every ounce of once -lost weight. I am weak....my legs can barely carry me up my five deck steps to get into my house.

I'm so NOT in my body that it's really perilous. All it takes is a small shift in my tenuous balance....and I find I'm falling...unable to catch myself or stop the free tumble. I have no real objective idea of what I look like. After years and years of eating disorder...I really have lost all concept of "right" and "Wrong" weights. Sometimes I don't see how huge i really am....and there are times when I 'm convinced that NO ONE has ever been as large as I am.

I read stories here on Spark. Motivational ones. The kind where, Once-fat-girl-loses-150 pounds-and-runs-a-marathon. And I'm jealous. I confess it....I am. I know that it is not lack of dedication, or courage that stops me. I can be pretty freakin' determined when I want to be. I feel betrayed by my own body. I feel that it is pointless and hopeless to continue to fight when I will only once again find myself in that hospital bed gasping into an O2 cannula. I feel that it is pointless to exercise when my joints are falling apart daily. I am waiting four major joint replacements now...and keep postponing them because I haven't been healthy enough to have the surgeries.

And I feel lost amidst all of this "stuff". Do I blindly forge ahead...just deny every objection my body raises and GO FOR IT?? How far will that get me? What if I go for it and it doesn't work...or I do worse damage? But really , How can working out, eating well and "kicking down walls" (like my friend, LINDA, Likes to do)...how can that really be more dangerous than to SUCCUMB???? If I just sit here in this armchair and allow it to swallow me whole...then there too, I am a sitting duck--the dangers cannot be avoided...cannot be denied. They are here. They are real. So do I deal with them square on? Face them and maybe chase them down?? Or do I just lay out across the street and wait for them to mow me over?

Yeah. I'm tired.
I'm tired by the very thought of what it will take to regain even a respectable strength. But I kinda gotta give it a try.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • _LINDA
    You have hit bottom again :(
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    You have been there before because of the awful diseases ravaging your body :( The starting all over again. From Zero. From scratch. I have played that game of starting over MANY a time, and I can tell you I am SICK of it!! What can you do each time your body throws a curve?? How many doors are the left for you to open?? The one place you still have left is your mind. Think. Long and hard. What can you possibly do? Any kind of exercise that doesn't hurt anything? Maybe, maybe not. If all you can do is leg raises sitting in a chair then do them. Maybe exercise isn't an option as long as the asthma threatens. The only thing left is the food. Healthy eating. It is possible to lose weight (and keep it off) with proper calorie counting. You have just gotten Spark's recipe book. There is something for you to put your focus on. Cooking up healthy meals. Supposedly, there are a lot that aren't supposed to take a whole lot of time and preparation. You can go with the slow cooker recipes that don't require you to wait on an oven or stove. As Seattle58 suggested fruit shakes. I live on my breakfast fruit shake with an added protein powder, its filling. If you don't want to deal with fresh fruit (cleaning and cutting it up), there is always frozen. I always have a banana though in it for smoothness and also for the potassium we need.
    You are not alone. We are here for you my friend,
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    3142 days ago
  • DANMAR1
    Please take some pressure off your self:(. Right now you are in no place to try and figure out so far ahead. When our bodies are not working it does throw our emotions off. Try being Scarlet O'hara in the movie "Gone With the Wind"...I'll think about that tomorrow. Rest can make such a difference. As my mom would say to me sleep on it things look better when you feel better. I hope you have a blessed rest and have sweet dreams tonight. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3142 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10895053
    Oh Dearie, my heart goes out to you four-fold! Oh, I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. From what I've read about you, it seems like you've gone through so much and yet you're full of spunk! It takes spunk to write a blog to begin with! You're speaking out and that's a good thing! Just remember that there is always someone out there who's worse off than you. In health, in weight, in depression, etc. As far as exercise, if you can't do it, then don't do it. My Rheumy told me that when I started hurting when exercising to stop it, because you could make more damage. As far as losing the weight, you know how to eat to the feeling of feeling healthier. You can do it!!! Eat more lean protein. 1% cottage cheese with pineapple? Mmmmm! Nutty breads, etc,? The list goes on. Have you ever thought of the shakes for losing weight? I don't really care for them but I know that some people really do and they really have good luck with them. Take care Buddy and we're all with you all the way! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3142 days ago
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