I Kinda Gotta
Monday, February 13, 2012
It's a shame that two years into the game and many miles down the road; I find myself once more at "Square One." My health is a wreck....and as a result of that and of the damages of the steroids I must take in order to breathe...I have regained about every ounce of once -lost weight. I am weak....my legs can barely carry me up my five deck steps to get into my house.
I'm so NOT in my body that it's really perilous. All it takes is a small shift in my tenuous balance....and I find I'm falling...unable to catch myself or stop the free tumble. I have no real objective idea of what I look like. After years and years of eating disorder...I really have lost all concept of "right" and "Wrong" weights. Sometimes I don't see how huge i really am....and there are times when I 'm convinced that NO ONE has ever been as large as I am.
I read stories here on Spark. Motivational ones. The kind where, Once-fat-girl-loses-150 pounds-and-runs-a-marathon. And I'm jealous. I confess it....I am. I know that it is not lack of dedication, or courage that stops me. I can be pretty freakin' determined when I want to be. I feel betrayed by my own body. I feel that it is pointless and hopeless to continue to fight when I will only once again find myself in that hospital bed gasping into an O2 cannula. I feel that it is pointless to exercise when my joints are falling apart daily. I am waiting four major joint replacements now...and keep postponing them because I haven't been healthy enough to have the surgeries.
And I feel lost amidst all of this "stuff". Do I blindly forge ahead...just deny every objection my body raises and GO FOR IT?? How far will that get me? What if I go for it and it doesn't work...or I do worse damage? But really , How can working out, eating well and "kicking down walls" (like my friend, LINDA, Likes to do)...how can that really be more dangerous than to SUCCUMB???? If I just sit here in this armchair and allow it to swallow me whole...then there too, I am a sitting duck--the dangers cannot be avoided...cannot be denied. They are here. They are real. So do I deal with them square on? Face them and maybe chase them down?? Or do I just lay out across the street and wait for them to mow me over?
Yeah. I'm tired.
I'm tired by the very thought of what it will take to regain even a respectable strength. But I kinda gotta give it a try.