I know intuitively those two don't go together...just wait and see....
This week has been hard, emotionally. There I said it!! I don't often talk about my emotions as I come from an emotionally retarded upbringing. My family has two emotions. Stony Silence and Irrational Anger. Hugs and "I love you"'s did not get thrown around. Ever. In fact I can remember one hug from my Mum. Ever. And it was last year. My Dad is the irrational anger guy. I have inherited the anger gene and so has my son. (He also holds the stony silence gene - lucky him).
It is not all bad. We are all intelligent people. We do all love each other but dysfunction does not even start to describe the dynamics sometimes. So...pretty normal family really.
Problem: I need more than this. My love languages (what I require to be a functioning healthy well adjusted human) are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. (Look up love languages - disregard the christian element well I did anyway - it is eye opening!!)
Physical Touch - I need hugs!! And snuggles!! And sex (but that is a story for another time). The Stony Silence gene creates a "physical" barrier to this kind of affection. Hell I would even settle for sitting close enough to touch!! Without this kind of affection form those I love, I feel unbearably alone and unloved. And unwanted. I miss my friends in Wellys who I could pile on the couch with and watch scary movies with all entwined and comfy on a rainy day (Look forward Anna, not backward). I have no friends like that here, in fact I really don't have friends here at all!!
Words of Affirmation - As shallow and ridiculous as it sounds I truly feel special when someone tells me that. They say "I love you" and I fondly keep that as fuel for the next few days!! If someone says "You look great" or "I'm so proud of you" I ride that high for weeks!! However, the problem is that if I get the opposite, even casual comments unintended to be insulting, "Haven't you done the dishes yet?" or "Don't you wish you had... it would be much nicer" or "Jack is so such better than he used to be" (um what did he used to be???) I hold on to these comments and they silently stab me in the heart repeatedly until I want to hide forever. Sounds dramatic?? It feels dramatic.
I got overwhelmed this week. I have got too many stabby comments in my head and not enough fuel to fly. The problem with having a personality like mine is that I am actually reliant on others to feel worthwhile. I self-talk like you wouldn't believe - and am a stronger person for it - but I am vulnerable. And very very alone here. My family is all around but all I'm hearing is stabs. Now I know intellectually that this is not intended, they do love me and my sister makes an effort to tell me things so I feel loved and I love her for it, but they all have a life and I just don't.
I am studying, but have made NO friends here yet (WTF it usually takes me 2 days!!) and I have been here over a year. Granted last year was a crazy one for CHCH and we didn't have many actual classes together last year but still. That is getting me down.
I am a single, unmarried mother to a teenage boy. In Wellington this was not a big deal. Here, this is outwardly not a big deal, but most people disapprove and judge me for it. I have raised my son, hell I had him in the first place which I'm sure many would not have, and we have kind of grown up together. We are 18 years apart. He is a very strong-willed teenage boy who is pushing every boundary there is right now and it is hard going for one person to deal with alone, especially when I am of the wrong gender right now (I know this will pass but I do really miss my wee buddy). I have got him a mentor who comes once a week and his Dean at school really loves him AND we shifted here so my Dad could hang with him more (his Poppa) and we will get through it but I am struggling to keep my head above water with him too. I just want to cry sometimes because I am so sick of the constant headbutting we are doing (I know it's necessary but OMG).
Whoa. I'm not even sure I'm going to post this. It is pretty personal, but I have realised that I often hide my feelings so I don't get hurt and that is part of why I feel so crappy, so I think I will post it.
So to top it off I gained back the 1/2 kg I lost last week - I am hoping it is just PMS weight gain - only time will tell right??
I also injured my foot (the one with the broken toes). The doc gave it a fancy name - Metatarsglia but really I have bruised the bones on the ball of my foot. We think it is partly 15 year old running shoes and a new passion for running and walking, and partly compensation for my broken toes - I got used to walking around without using my toes - silly billy. I had got into a really good routine with walking and running and I have honestly been moping around feeling sorry for myself since Monday. It is Friday today and I have done no exercise AT ALL since Monday. I am sure that is contributing to my foul mood swings too.
But... I finally got my new bike. She is bigger than I expected and I am a little freaked out about my first ride but I have set myself some goals for today.
I got rid of my car (it was a loan and I gave it back last night) so I HAVE to ride my bike (esp as I can't walk for a bit). I am going to bike to class today and then ride straight to the pool and swim for 30 mins. I then got invited out for dinner by my Dad so I am going to pack shower stuff, clothes and make-up and cycle from the pool to dinner and then cycle home afterwards.
I also do a good hour of ST on a Friday so that is my plan for today. Right now I am in my PJs contemplating some healthy food and planning my week and oversharing on my sparkblog.
I don't really know how to end this blog as it is a monster. I think I'll just say thanks for reading - if you got this far!!!
I really appreciate you all