I struggle with binging. There will be times where I can't think of anything else. If I am upset, had a stressful day, had my feelings hurt, completely tired or sometimes for no reason at all, I often binge. It feels good while I am binging but after I feel completely disgusted with myself. I get mad at myself for overeating. I get mad that I didn't have more self control to stop it.
But with joining sparkpeople and feeling so highly motivated to lose weight, it made me question why I do this? Why do I do things that I know will sabotage my efforts?
After pondering this for several days, I realized that it was more than just mindless eating. It is eating because I am afraid.
Now I know what someone else reading this may think; afraid...what is there to be afraid of?
I am afraid of letting go of...
- my past
- my shield between the world and me
- my routine
- my comfort (emotional eating)
For so long my weight has been there to stand between me and men. I have wanted to form a relationship with a man, but it hasn't happened for me yet. I often attribute this to my unhealthy weight.
But if I lose weight and still don't have a relationship, then it is no longer a physical appearance issue. Then it is something so much deeper.
So yeah, I binge. But that ends today. I am making a commitment to myself (and to any readers) that I will not do it any more. Not even one more time.
I matter and being afraid is not going to stop me any longer! I refuse to be a scared girl. I refuse to let the unknown of the future, prevent me from having a healthy one.
Food is no longer my comforter. I know it is not going to be easy to stop this awful habit, but I am making the promise to myself.