First day of a new life.
Monday, May 21, 2012
I have said this before. Again and again and again. This time I pray that it sticks. Weighing myself and finding the number creeping up to 200 lbs was a huge shock for me, but in a way not so much. After all I have been self sabotaging myself for the last couple of years. I could blame it on the tradegy that in some ways has ruined my life and nothing will ever be the same, or the break up with the man I still believe to be the "one" for me but it all comes down to ME. My lack of self control, lack of self confidence and lack of motivation. I realized it was quite bad when I found myself sneaking fast food bags into my house because I didn't want my neighbors to see how bad the situation was. Buying treats and quickly devouring them before I got home so that my kids wouldn't see me eating so much. Sitting in a dark parking lot after a shopping trip and eating a big juicy hamburger because I was too ashamed to eat alone in the fast food restaurant. Hiding snacks for myself, eating one thing after another until I was so full I wanted to throw up, or pass out, or just die from regret. These are the many things that plague my life on a daily basis, not excluding eating copious amounts of food WHILE watching the Biggest Loser and America's Next Top Model.
I recently ran into an ex of mine and was so incredibly ashamed to see that he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him, and the truth is I wanted to curl in a little ball and die right there. Having gained more than 30 lbs since last seeing him just a few months ago was no doubt a shock to him and I don't even want to imagine what must have been going through his head.
Breathless going up and down the stairs, so tired I can hardly manage daily activities, reaching for fast food for supper, going mentally insane...
Today is the day that I HAVE to make this happen. I have to get up off my ass and make some big changes. I am excited, but terrified of the failure because the failure sets me back 10 steps to the 2 I have taken forward. It's the vicious cycle of getting up and saying to myself today I can do it, then messing up and thinking to myself that I have ruined the day and I might as well have that chocolate bar and all the other goodies I want because I will start again tomorrow. Then tomorrow is the same, and the next day, until I have probably consumed 15,000 calories in 3 days. Or more. I'm not going to lie. I feel emotionally drained from my life and that is my biggest struggle. After a stressful meeting with my son's school (I have one with special needs and another with behavioral issues), I found myself sitting on my couch mindlessly eating fast and without thought. I eat when I'm depressed, sad, lonely, stressed, bored, TIRED, etc, and I am pretty much tired all of the time so that's a big problem right there.
Tomorrow I am looking into gym memberships with childcare and perhaps a personal trainer and we will see how things go! Today so far so good... I know there will be bumps in the road but as long as I don't turn them into hills I will be okay.