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First day of a new life.

Monday, May 21, 2012

I have said this before. Again and again and again. This time I pray that it sticks. Weighing myself and finding the number creeping up to 200 lbs was a huge shock for me, but in a way not so much. After all I have been self sabotaging myself for the last couple of years. I could blame it on the tradegy that in some ways has ruined my life and nothing will ever be the same, or the break up with the man I still believe to be the "one" for me but it all comes down to ME. My lack of self control, lack of self confidence and lack of motivation. I realized it was quite bad when I found myself sneaking fast food bags into my house because I didn't want my neighbors to see how bad the situation was. Buying treats and quickly devouring them before I got home so that my kids wouldn't see me eating so much. Sitting in a dark parking lot after a shopping trip and eating a big juicy hamburger because I was too ashamed to eat alone in the fast food restaurant. Hiding snacks for myself, eating one thing after another until I was so full I wanted to throw up, or pass out, or just die from regret. These are the many things that plague my life on a daily basis, not excluding eating copious amounts of food WHILE watching the Biggest Loser and America's Next Top Model.

I recently ran into an ex of mine and was so incredibly ashamed to see that he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him, and the truth is I wanted to curl in a little ball and die right there. Having gained more than 30 lbs since last seeing him just a few months ago was no doubt a shock to him and I don't even want to imagine what must have been going through his head.

Breathless going up and down the stairs, so tired I can hardly manage daily activities, reaching for fast food for supper, going mentally insane...

Today is the day that I HAVE to make this happen. I have to get up off my ass and make some big changes. I am excited, but terrified of the failure because the failure sets me back 10 steps to the 2 I have taken forward. It's the vicious cycle of getting up and saying to myself today I can do it, then messing up and thinking to myself that I have ruined the day and I might as well have that chocolate bar and all the other goodies I want because I will start again tomorrow. Then tomorrow is the same, and the next day, until I have probably consumed 15,000 calories in 3 days. Or more. I'm not going to lie. I feel emotionally drained from my life and that is my biggest struggle. After a stressful meeting with my son's school (I have one with special needs and another with behavioral issues), I found myself sitting on my couch mindlessly eating fast and without thought. I eat when I'm depressed, sad, lonely, stressed, bored, TIRED, etc, and I am pretty much tired all of the time so that's a big problem right there.

Tomorrow I am looking into gym memberships with childcare and perhaps a personal trainer and we will see how things go! Today so far so good... I know there will be bumps in the road but as long as I don't turn them into hills I will be okay.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you so much for you encouraging words Startingover! I really appreciate and I wish you all the best of luck in your journey as well!
    3107 days ago
    You have found that moment.. the one where you are going to look back on and say it was "the moment". You have found the place where you have looked at your life and seen that you have dealt with alot of sadness..but you have made yourself unhealthy in the process. You have felt the moment that is a connection with all of us here on Spark. There is something else out there than sadness and shame.. and unhealthy bodies and unhealthy spirits. You have found the place that you can share all of those feelings by writing to people here that get it. We are on the same path.. and you have alot of company. Get to that gym with childcare.. get on the path of happiness that is waiting patiently for you. You finally have the map to get there!
    3109 days ago
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