Wednesday, June 13, 2012
My morning of tennis. I play in this round robin for Tennis on Wednesdays and it is always the first 16 to email get to play....Well, today there were a lot of new girls out there.
Not to toot my own horn, but most people who have seen me play or have played with me before WANT to be my partner....but today was a reminder of so many bad experiences of the past.....I get my first partner through random draw....and I see her roll her eyes to her friend. I think to myself GREAT, another person I have to prove myself to :( Mind you most of the girls out today are in size XS tennis outfits and they have the most adorable little bodies.
I'm trying not to get upset with myself...the negative self talk kicks in of....They think your gonna be lazy, they think you won't be able to get to the ball....That's o.k. we'll just prove them wrong....but then I think....They wouldn't think these things if you hadn't let yourself get so heavy....and the internal conversation goes on and on......
Ofcourse, I won all 4 sets I played with all of my different partners and the original girls who had the body language conversation with each other were VERY complimentary in the end...talking about how hard I hit, and how I run faster than them and how I just won't quit.....and normally this makes me feel good....but today I just kept thinking......People wouldn't be so impressed with how quick you are if you weren't fat :(
I came home and ate my prepared lunch and soaked in a hot shower for a little bit and had a good cry.....I feel better now...but this journey....this SLOW process is tough....I watch Extreme Body makeover and I think.....I have the time,....if she lost 34lbs in 3 months in phase 3 (at the same weight I am now)...why can't I??? Why do I only have 15lbs as my goal for 3 months?
I know all the prepared responses....I use them when I'm encouraging others to stay motivated....I just needed to post what I was feeling so it didn't fester inside me any longer.
I'll continue to take one foot and put it in front of the other....and eventually, I will have the cute little body in the tennis outfit :)