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Body Distortion in my Mind

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

In my minds eye I am a different woman.
In my minds eye I have been a different woman for my whole life.

I see myself as different than I am, and then a nasty little thing happens, someone takes a picture of me. and I am forced to recognize that the woman who got dressed, did her hair and make up, and stated to herself "I look gooooood!" was telling a lie.

A funny thing happened; not funny haha but funny hmmm interesting; I am putting together a photo album for my parents 50th anniversary. 50 photos of the people in our family, and as I was looking through the 5 photo boxes full of actual photos and the hundreds of digital pics i have I am noticing something about me.

What I notice is that I was slim but never felt slim. I had a three year old and a three month old and I looked amazing! I would love to look that way today! oh gosh what a far away dream. I clearly remember the day the photo was taken, and I remember during that time I felt ugly and fat, and wondered if I would ever feel slim again, I wondered if my husband would ever want to touch my body again.

I did not see myself. I thought myself. I saw myself only through my minds eye. I saw myself only through the terrible things I told myself.

a few short weeks ago, I had a photo taken of myself at my moms birthday, holy crap! again. My minds eye told me I looked put together, I felt as though I was large, but beautiful, I thought as I was preparing for the event, that I would be looking good, that people who saw me there would think I had "it" together. and that I was content within my skin.

Another lie I told myself,
I did not see myself, I thought myself. I saw myself through my minds eye. I saw myself only through the wonderful things I told myself.

The photo does not lie.
The mirror does.
I do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GIRLGENERICA
    I've had these same thoughts myself (and still do, regardless of my outward physical appearance changes)... how we see ourselves is definitely complicated! Breezzy has so many good and important points in her response.
    3147 days ago
  • SASKATOONJANE
    Thanks for your feedback.

    I completely disagreed though.

    It is not about when I look in the mirror whether or not I am beautiful, or whether or not I am fat or whether or not anyone else who may be fat, or thin , or have cancer or anyother disease, whetherI am blonde or black haired, maybe bald, or I am someone with curly hair, maybe I am someone who is beautiful, or someone with unfortunate looks.

    My point is specifically this.
    when I look into a mirror, I tell myself I look good and slimand fit and beautiful
    take a picture of me looking into the mirror thinking I look good and slim and fit and beautiful, and when the picture is printed I realize that those things I thought about myself were not true.
    I am not thin, I am not fit, I do not look good, or healthy, or beautiful.

    My point specifically is that when I look into the mirror, I see someone who is not me.


    3158 days ago
  • BENNYTINNY
    Jane, I enjoyed all of the comments and whole heartedly agree with Breezie. What we see in the mirror or in photos are temporal images, and it's the image that is on the inside of me that I find matters the most. That image directs my conduct and affections. My downfalls and my courageous triumph (yes, I've had a few). What I see in the mirror, at best may direct me to some thing going on inside. You are more (way more) then any photo could ever capture. Benny
    3166 days ago
  • KEIPONY
    Totally understand.....I noticed I don't have many photos of myself and the ones I do my smile does not look guinuine, it looks like I had to paste it on because I do not like the way I look. I like my personality and my values, but I don't like the exterior.

    I know this is something I have to work through to help me lose the weight and feel better about myself.

    Don't give up and remember - the exterior can change and improve and it's an ongoing mural.....the inside is what counts and is the basic foundation of YOU!

    Take care


    emoticon
    3168 days ago
  • SASKATOONJANE
    Thanks for your feedback.

    when I was slim and inshape, my minds eye was fooling me, convincing me that I was heavy and looking badly.
    the opposite is true now.
    I am heavy and my minds eye tricks me into thinking I look good. I do not.
    My observation is that I do not connect the true size and shape of myself with what I see in front of the mirror, or in my minds eye.
    My observation is that I need a photo to really see me.
    The photo is a true represtation of the outline of my body, both when I was slim, holding my babies, and now that I am heavy standing beside my mom.

    3168 days ago
  • BREEZZY1967
    I have so much to say about this blog, but I'll try to keep it brief. How you look is not who you are. What a picture shows is not always the truth. Skinny people can have cancer or be sick. Messed up hair doesn't mean a person doesn't care about themselves. Maybe they just got off the merry-go-round with their child.

    How you look should never dictate how you feel. Because you can change your feelings much easier than you can change your looks. Did you stay on plan one more day? Did you walk up the stairs without getting winded. Does your child put his/her arms around you and say they love you.

    I believe once you are happy about you, then getting the body in shape comes easy. Look at the good things you do. Look at the things you want to do. Make a plan and move forward. Don't try to go back to 'when I was skinny/young/hot'. Go forward to "When I walk that 5K, or when I don't have to use a seatbelt extender on a plane, or something else that is important to you"

    When we die I believe our body doesn't go with us. But our attitude will.
    3168 days ago
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